Marc Took My Soul In Istanbul...
The Marc Almond concert last Thursday in Istanbul was amazing. Second only to the first Union Chapel gig. Yes, that good. It was held at the Roxy: an intimate subterranean venue just off Taksim Square with a bar down one side. Andrea, Claudia, Hanko and I arrived early and took up our places right at the front by the stage. Soon we were joined by Kevin from Brighton who I'd not met before. Boy, did he have some stories to tell! Tel Aviv's very own Shira made it just in time too. The super-groupies had arrived. And suddenly he was there; 11pm on the nose. Just a few inches away from us. The first few chords of She Took My Soul In Istanbul and the crowd went wild. Marc was indeed giving us a full show: full theatrics; full vocals; full band - Neal X on guitar, John (?) on keyboards and the fabulous Venomettes once again on strings; full 1 hour 35 minutes on stage and a set packed full of extended versions of rarely performed pieces was well as crowd pleasing classics. And what a blinding set list it was:
01. She Took My Soul In Istanbul
02. Tears Run Rings
03. Under Your Wings
04. My Hand Over My Heart
05. These My Dreams Are Yours
06. A Lover Spurned
07. Black Kiss
08. Bitter Sweet
09. Desperate Hours
10. Sheherezade
11. Black Heart
12. Mother Fist
13. Something's Gotta Hold Of My Heart
14. Ruby Red
15. Torment
16. Torch
17. Gone But Not Forgotten
18. Bedsitter
19. Say Hello Wave Goodbye
20. Tainted Love
[Thanko Hanko for helping with this]
We were all numb with pleasure afterwards and stayed dancing in the club chatting about how great it was.
Eventually we left (you can pick up the story elsewhere)

(Click to display bigger versions)






Hanko and I had fun later (when very, very drunk I may add) making up our own Marc Almond Kebab Set List:
01. She Took My Kebab In Istanbul
02. Kebabs Run Rings
03. Under Your Kebabs
04. My Hand Over My Kebab
05. These My Kebabs Are Yours
06. A Kebab Spurned
07. Black Kebab
08. Bitter Kebab
09. Desperate Kebabs
10. Sheherezaded Kebab
11. Kebab Heart
12. Mother Kebab
13. Something's Gotta Hold Of My Kebab
14. Ruby Kebab
15. Tormented Kebab
16. Torched Kebab
17. Gone But Not Kebabed
18. Kebab-sitter
19. Say Hello Wave Your Kebab
20. Tainted Kebab

She Took My Soul, Heart & Voice In Istanbul...

Wednesday 14th April
Strange, strange day. But strange is good, right? We like strange. We do. The flight over was fine - for me at any rate: smooth take-off and landing and copious Bloody Marys to even out the bumpy bits. Once I'd worked out I needed to buy a visa, immigration was straightforward enough so before long I was racing to Istanbul proper in a beaten up taxi - complete with broken windscreen and a driver called Saul who kept asking me if I was married (I found out why days later). Luckily he became distracted - it started to snow. Heavily. By the time we arrived in Taksim Square it was a full blown hail storm. The Taksim Square Hotel was fine. But only just 'fine'. The room was too hot and with no view of the city - I guess that's what comes from booking on the interwebnet, I suppose. Minutes later I was having coffee with my German friend Hanko in the coffee house next to the hotel. We consulted The Time Out guide and went in search of what we believed to be the nearest gay café - Sugar Bar Café. For the next 2 hours we walked aimlessly up and down Istiklal Caddesi fruitless looking for fruits. We eventually gave up and headed for the Aga Hamam. Hamams are an ancient kind of sauna cum steam room once very popular in Turkey. They consist of rooms of hot marble slabs, heated rooms (dry and wet) and copious numbers of marble washing bowls. As is traditional both Hanko opted for a full body exfoliating massage - choosing the less sadistic of the two masseurs on hand. It was a stimulating experience. And painful. Later on Hanko and I met up again and aftre a few drinks went to Neo - a rather tacky club. We didn't stay long. While wandering back from there we hit upon an Internet café with two guys so obviously using Gaydar. Strange. Hah! I wandered about a bit more. Had a kebab and went to bed.



Thursday 15th April
What a(nother) strange day! It started off very wet. Rain and more rain. After another Sugar Bar Café hunt proving a no-go, Hanko and I headed off to go sight-seeing. Two Greek girls tagged along for a while too. We seemed to be attracting people - a theme that was to continue throughtout my stay. We got the funicular down the hill and walked across the old Galata (Atatürk) bridge over the Bosphorus to Sultanahmet. There we mounted the, er, mount and paid a respectful visit to the Sultanahmet (Blue) Mosque. Beautiful. Simply beautiful. We inadvertently picked up an inpromptu toothless tour guide on the way who we didn't have the heart to shake. 20 million Lira seemed to keep him happy though. Next we descended into the cavernous Basilica Cistern - a vast ancient underground man-made water tank supported by a forest of 336 pillars. Breathtaking. After all this culture we decided that a bit of self-indulgence was in order so went to another hamam, the Çukurcuma Haman. Not quite as nice as the Aga but certainly busier. I left Hanko to his own devices while I left to meet Onur, a Turkish guy I'd been chatting to before I left for Istanbul. Onur is a super nice guy and we had a lot of fun hanging out together. He showed me round the Taksim area pointing out the best places to eat and drink. Invaluable advice. We all then met up with Andrea and Claudia - two fellow Marc Almond super euro-groupies - for more coffee. By that point Hanko, of course, had a guy in tow and Onur was drafted in as interpreter - poor guy. We also took up Onur's excellent suggestion of eating at the 5th Floor Restaurant. Great food, great view. Then it was time for the gig...
(I'll write about the Marc Almond gig separately tomorrow)
...Hanko and I walked Shira home and then popped into a night club called 2C for a night cap. The way you do. It was OK. But pretty empty and a bit techno for me. We got semi-accosted on the way home by a guy who called himself Albert. Good sense prevailed though and we soon ditched him. We retired to my hotel and stayed up late talking super-groupy nonsense.

Friday 16th April
Another excellent suggestion by Onur found Hano and I at Gloria Jean's for breakfast. We sat in armchairs in the sunshine. Lovely. Over in Sultanahmet we met with Andrea and Claudia again to cruise around the Grand Bazaar - a labyrinthine world of earthly delights. Hanko and I then visited the Süleymaniye Mosque to commute our shopping fever to a more holy calling. Later on I got to see Onur once again before going out with Hanko, Andrea and Claudia for meze and kebabs - how oh so Turkish of us, huh? Onur swung by later with his handsome friend Sinan to take me out clubbing. We danced, we drank, we had fun; I was in bed by 2am though. Did I mention they are both just 23 years old? How can an old guy like me keep up?



Saturday 17th April
I met my German friends at Gloria Jean's once again before mounting the 63 metre high Galata Tower. A breath-taking panorama of the city almost made me forget my vertigo. Almost. Claudia and I then recreated a classic Time Out photo on the Kamondo Steps before we set off back across the Golden Horn one last time to visit one of the (unofficial) 7th wonders of the world - the Kucuk Haghia Sophia Mosque. Quite incredible. Later on Onur's friend, Sinan, and I had a spot of dinner before I turned in early. I was dead beat. What was on TV? Turk Idol! Blimey!

Sunday 18th April
I was up at the crack of noon to do a spot of souvenir shopping in Istiklal Caddesi in the lovely Turkish sunshine. I then took the ride of my life - or should I say near-death - with a ride to the airport. Let's just say the driver wanted more than just the taxi fare... I refused. Due to my refusal he put his foot down on the accelerator. Big time. We might have been killed. But at least I'd have been buried with my dignity intact. As my Turkish friend put it later, "Ahahaha.. Welcome to bisexual Turkey. They don't like being rejected, that's why I never speak with driver in the taxi!"
The flight home was tame by comparison.

What a fantastic trip. I'd definitely go back.

Turkey...
It was a weýrd trýp here - and a weýrd týme so far. Strange taxý rýdes. Strange cýty. Strange keyboard (not all the letters seem to work). But generally good. Pýcked up the Marc týckets for tomorrow, hooked up wýth Hanko and went to a hamam. So all ýs well. Sýghtseeýng tomorrow.

We spotted a couple of boys on Gaydar ın an ınternet cafe - hence the late blog. Hee, hee

Money, money, money...
Bank teller: Next!
Me: Hello.
Bank teller: Hello.
Me: I'd like to buy some Turkish Lira, please.
Bank teller: Italian Lira.
Me: No, Turkish Lira. Turkish.
Bank teller (slowly): Turkish... Lira...
Me: Yes.
Bank teller: You... want... to.. buy... some... Turkisk... Lira...
Me: Yes...
Bank teller: You can't buy it, sir. You mean you want to exchange it. You want to exchange some Turkish Lira.
Me: Well, Ok. Yes. I want to exchange some Turkish Lira. Well, I actually want to exchange some pound notes into some Turkish Lira.
Bank teller: Pound... notes...?
Me: I give you stirling, you give me Turkish money. Yes?
Bank teller: And how much would you like to exchange, sir?
Me: Half a billion, please .
Bank teller: Half... a billion...?
Me: Yes, I want half a billion Turkish Lira. 500 million.
Bank teller (sniggering): Wait a minute please, sir.
(Bank teller disappears for long period of time. Eventually returning with bank manager)
Bank manager: Can I help you, sir?
Me: Yes, as I was explaining to that chap there I 'd like to get some Turkish Lira. About 500 million if you've got it.
Bank manager (eying me suspiciously): Do you bank with us, sir?
Me: Yes, I do.
(pause)
Me: You do know that 500 million Turkish Lira is only about £200, don't you? Two and half billion Lira to the pound. 25% annual inflation.
(pause)
Bank manager: I'll have to check.
(Bank manager disappears, bank teller asks me to move to one side so he can serve next customer)
Bank teller: Next!
Next customer: Hello.
Bank teller: Hello.
(Some time passes before bank manager returns)
Bank manager: I'm sorry sir we don't hold that sort of amount here. Have you tried a Bureau De Change?
Me: Not I haven't. No.
Bank manager: Your best bet I think, sir.
Me: Oh, OK. Thanks. Goodbye.
Bank manager: Goodbye, sir.

Australia - Hungary - Nashville - Morocco...
The Easter weekend was four full days of debauchery and to be honest I'm pleased to be back in the saddle. Did I say 'saddle'? I mean harness.

Thursday night we had a delightful evening round at our Aussie friends Emma and Catherine. There was a house full of hard-drinking Australian women talking (at times very explicitly) about men, sex and Kath and Kim - how could we not have fun?

Up at the crack of dawn on Friday I was helping out a friend of mine with some techie stuff which ended up taking all day. Still had time for a beer in Comptons afterwards though. I then finally got a chance to meet up with my Hungarian blogmate, Kristof - but for all too brief a time; sadly I didn't see him again that this trip - next time, huh, Kristof?

More follow-up techie work on Saturday again took up a large part of the day but I still managed to squeeze in a beer or three with the oh-so-lovely Guy in Comptons. That night we went to Balans for dinner and then on to the Soho Theatre to see the oh-so-talented Rhinestone Cowgirl, Tina C. Straight from her World Peace Tour, Tina was in tip-top form delivering a fiercely political yet very funny show - Nikki and Kim, who came with us, were in stitches throughout. We cheered and cheered as the show drew to a close - and were rewarded with two encores - one being a rather sly take on Dolly Parton's 9 to 5 interspersed with rapping about minimum wage and migrant labour. Excellent.

Sunday we spent with Mark's brother, Paul, and his family which was lovely. We hadn't seen them since October last year and so still had Christmas gifts to exchange (!). The two Cow Parade figurines will take pride of place on our new sideboard. Later that night our flatmate Paul was back home and full of stories of his week's trip to Morocco. Mark and I resolved to go at the earliest opportunity.

Monday we had Ady and Carl over to play games. Much beer drinking was only briefly interrupted by the playing of Mario Kart, Monkey Tennis, Eye Toy Groove, Dance Mats, Monkey Bowling, Beach Volleyball and Ice Hockey.

Arsenal Lose Bottle...
I'm gutted. But just to prove I have a sense of humour:

Foster a Baby Rhino...
How sweet is this? Little rhino orphan Shida needs fostering. You can read about his sad little life here. I wonder if Disney is making a film of it yet?

Istanbul...
Next week I'm off to Istanbul for a week. Anyone been before - got any advice or warnings?

SportKa - the Ka's Evil Twin...
You may have seen in the papers or heard on the news about two car adverts that have been banned. Well hold onto your taste buds kids 'cos Uncle Jonce has them right here. Thanks to Rog for passing them on.

Both adverts are for the new car called the SportKa which is a sportier version of Ford's Ka.

The first advert has the car and a cat.

The second advert has the car and a pidgeon.

The Evil Twin web site is now password protected.

European Champions League...
What a crap result. Arsenal 1-2 Chelsea. I'm gutted. We didn't want that stupid FA Cup but the European Cup would have been sweet.

Kath and Kim: The Hornbag...

[Thanks to Mark for the snap]

Kath and Kim: The UK Living (Re)Launch Party...
Let me just say I'm a big Kath and Kim fan. Huge. And I gush a lot. Ok, now on with the story.

I waited and waited and waited. Did he call? Did he write? No. Did he tell me where it was? Did he tell me where to be? Or when? No. Nothing. Not a word. The Kath and Kim UK Living Launch Party was almost upon us and Neil hadn't called. Neil, you may remember, had accosted me in the Yard last month promising the bountiful - copious invites to a big glitzy Kath and Kim (re)launch party with all the trimmings. He said he was going to be in touch. He said he'd let me know. He said a lot of things. But as the big night approached the silence for deafening. So I had to make my own arrangements in that department.

Guy (bless his little cotton socks) stepped into the breach and made a few calls. So many thanks must go to him and to Alan 'voice of the balls' Dedicoat and Richard (big man at UK Living) Woolfe for swinging it for us. We were on the guest list.

Australia House loomed large and we entered through those huge iron doors to be confronted by a large chandelier decked hall filled with people dying to meet Kath and Kim i.e. PR people, media whores, gay men and gushing fans (I shall leave you to decide which category(s) I fall into).

Guy and I headed straight for the bar and nestled ourselves next to the cutest man we could find. The drinks flowed, the crowd swelled and the canapes did whatever it is that canapes do.

Suddenly Richard (big man at UK Living) Woolfe was on stage introducing Kath (Jane Turner) and Kim (Gina Riley). Coming on in character, they ran through quite a few of their routines: "Look at moye Kimmy, look at moye, look at moye!" and "Oh alright! Chardonnay! Chardonnay! You pack of chunts!" The crowd was in hysterics.

Then we had a 'meet and greet' where basically Guy and I positioned ourselves as close as possible to Jane and Gina so we could have a chance to gush like the crazed fans we are. Our turn came and gush we did. I rabbitted on to Jane about how much I love the show, how I love Big Girl's Blouse (the show that spawned Kath and Kim), she said I must catch Something Stupid as it's really good too. Jane was saying how they're working on Kath and Kim series three at the moment and how they're going back to basics with it to let the characters shine through. I was in heaven. But all over to quick - she had been whisked away to talk to... er... TV Quick. I was star struck. I needed (another) drink.

Next we (s)talked to Gina and she was an utter blast. I showed her my Kath and Kim Drinking Game that I created (I'll try and sniff out a copy for you guys too) which she was amazed about. She asked to keep a copy - I gladly obliged. We chatted about the show. I gushed. We chatted about Madga. I gushed some more. She took it all very well. And after being whisked away by some PR woman to talk to someone else Gina made a point of coming back over to us both to say goodbye and thanks. That was so cool.



And then who should pop up on my shoulder but Neil. Remember him? The man who had let me down. Oh, he tried to apologise. He tried to say he was sorry for shooting his big media-whore mouth off and getting me all excited. But this guy was just too hurt to accepted his half-baked apologies. I just had to drown my sorrows in a very large glass of sparkling white wine. And another. And then another. And then, what the hell, all was forgiven. We were friends again. Well, I say friends... Neil mumbled something about free tickets to Mamma Mia's 5th birthday party tonight. And St Etienne's Hymns to London. And how about invites for the launch party for Queer Eye For The Straight Guy, huh Neil? You do owe me one.

As the crowds began to dwindle we collected our "How To Be Hornbag" beauty pack (containing "Ooh la la" Hand & Nail cream, "Pash Rash" Strawberry Lip Balm, electric pink "Hornbag" Eye Mask, "Scrubber Glove" Exfoliating Mit and "Kim's Fabulous Nail Art Stickers") and a bunch of us decided to pile down to the Retro Bar - much to Wendy's amusement. The Times Business section was ably represented by Ingrid, Pete and Brendan; Kilroy's MJ and Unicorn's James came too; Guy and I brought up the rear. Drinks were drunk. Friendships were made. Indiscretions were confessed. Numbers were swapped. Great to meet you all. A fab way to end a night.

So thank you, Australia House.

Thank you, UK Living.

Thank you, Richard (big man at UK Living) Woolfe.

Thank you, Alan 'voice of the balls' Dedicoat.

Thank you, Guy.

Thank you, Jane and Gina.

Thank you, Kath and Kim.

A top, top night.

What more could a gushing Kath and Kim fan hope for?

Saturday Night's Alright For (Foo) Fighting...
On Saturday afternoon (once I had finally got out of bed) Drew and I made it down to Bar Room Bar for David and Jason's birthday drinks. All the gang were there and it was an all too short time before we were jumping in a cab to rendez-vous with Mark, Ben, Sarah and Stephen to go and see the Scissor Sisters at the Astoria. The place was packed, but the Scissor Sisters only gave us a short show, just 70 minutes, due to the fact that there was equipment failure. So for ten minutes we talked amongst ourselves. The sound was crap too. All very disappointing. Shame really as the songs that they did were very good it's just that the momentum to the show had been lost by the long break in the middle.

Into the rain next we headed down to Vauxhall for Duckie. Ben and Sarah had never been before and we all had a great time bopping and boogying. It was nice to finally meet Roberto (David's boyfriend squeeze) who was a perfectly charming, very handsome yet comically sounding Italian guy. Quite a catch David. I think I mention below that I chatted to Kenny from Kiki and Herb for a bit before the serious task of the night - drinking and dancing. At one point they played Kate Bush's Wurthering Heights and the guy who normally gets up on stage to make a spectacle of himself did so again. Coincidentally Ben happened to be on stage at the same time and took the appearance of a stage rival as being his cue to dance in a Kate Bush styley too. A bit of pushing ensued which ended up with Ben being pushed off the stage and falling to the floor. Luckily he wasn't badly injured and picked himself up and got back on the stage. We almost wet ourselves for laughing. Full credit to him for not punching the guys lights out though. A 'frank and open' discussion later lead to an apology.

Friday Night Fun (plus an exclusive)...
On Friday it was David and Jason's birthdays. Happy Birthdays, guys! To celebrate we (i.e. a big group of us) went to see Kiki and Herb's Mount The President show on HMS President. It was a fun show (I shall give nothing away in case you are going to see it) and our two heroes gave great performances. We're going back to see the show again on the last night (23rd April) when the London Readers Wifes will be DJing. Plus (I can exclusively reveal as I heard it from the horse's mouth): Marc Almond will be DJing for them on the Thursday night (22nd April). Quite some scoop, huh? So now I'm tempted to go then too. After last Friday's show I was in the bar chatting to Justin (Kiki) - who I insisted on calling Jason (I was a bit pie-eyed to tell you the truth) - and he was telling me about Jake from the Scissor Sisters being their neighbours in New York and that was why they (Kiki and Herb) are supporting them at their show at The Forum next week. He told me lots of other juicy gossip too which (a) I cannot repeat in print, and (b) I'm not even sure I remember it as fact as I was close to being paralytic anyway! Funnily enough I saw Kenny (Herb) the following night at Duckie and we had quite a long chat. He offered to buy me a drink too which was nice of him. Both Justin (see, I got his name right eventually) and Kenny are both really approachable guys and that is so nice to see - stars being nice to their (oh so gushing) fans.

[Thanks to Mark for the snaps and the much needed cropping]

Trapped in Motas...
If you liked the Crimson Room then you'll find the Mystery Of Time And Space adventure absolutely fantatsic. I was up until 2:20am last night finishing it off. Super addictive, super fun.
[Thanks Bryan]

Job satisfaction...
Colleague A: How can I make my job more enjoyable?
Colleague B: Get a spouse who complains a lot and then maybe a few kids
Colleague A: That sounds awful
Colleague B: You won't believe how much you enjoy being at work

Just can't get enough of yourself?...
In the spirit of spicing up the content of this site I bring you: make your own dildo. And should you need any help getting an adequate pose for you cast then why not try reading some of the erotic short stories to be found here.
[Thanks my new Hungarian blogger friend cornelio]

Happy Birthday...
Happy Birthday to you,
Happy Birthday to you,
Happy Birthday, dear Dave,
Happy Birthday to you.

Happy Birthday...
Happy Birthday to you,
Happy Birthday to you,
Happy Birthday, dear Stuart,
Happy Birthday to you.

Happy Birthday...
Happy Birthday to you,
Happy Birthday to you,
Happy Birthday, dear Ant,
Happy Birthday to you.

Civil Partnership Bill...
The long promised Civil Partnership Bill will be unveiled by the Government today. It essentially means that in England and Wales gay couples who sign the civil partnership registry will get joint rights. Yay!

These might include:

- Visiting rights in hospitals (incredibly this causes more heart ache than any other issue)
- An ability to gain parental responsibility for each other's children (I guess it is the 21st century)
- Recognition for immigration purposes (have to be together 3 years)
- Joint state pension benefits (not possible until 2010 though)
- Obligation to support each other financially (like that doesn't happen already!)
- Ability to claim compensation for fatal accidents or criminal injuries (good one)
- Recognition under inheritance and intestacy rules (there have been so many cases of a family muscling in when one partner dies)
- The right to register their partner's death and continue tenancy of a property (about bloody time!)
- Exemption from inheritance tax on a partner's home (about bloody time too!)
- Exemption from testifying against each other in court (would you go out with a crook? now you can!)

Dissolution of a civil partnership could be based upon separation, desertion, unreasonable behaviour or the deliberate passing on of a sexually transmitted disease and would mean dividing up of the jointly owned possessions with recourse to the law if needed. On the up side, adultery will NOT be a grounds for dissolution. Yay! And pre-nups are allowed too. Yay!

The plans have already faced criticism for failing to offer similar rights to unmarried heterosexual couples. But let's face it - straight people have the option to get married. Also The Christian Institute has mounted a spirited campaign against the idea - a campaign that still rages as we speak.

Incidentally the Government has no plans to allow same-sex couples to marry. The bill will create an entirely new legal status of civil partnership. Couples (defined as adult, same-sex who are not in an existing registered partnership or marriage and not closely related) would give intention to register at a registry office, and could sign the civil partnerships register 15 days later.

And best of all, once signed we would have the legal right to call each other that wonderful dry and clinical title 'civil partner' - how sweet.

And for those of you who know Mark and I and are perhaps less than keen on the idea of civil partnerships look at it this way - it'll be an excuse for the giant piss up at our expense! Yay!

El Greco...
On Saturday afternoon Paul and I mosied on down to the Sainsbury's Wing of the National Gallery to go and see the El Greco exhibition. Before getting there I knew nothing about El Greco (or Domenikos Theotokopoulos as he was known to his friends). And after leaving I'm not sure I know much more. But what I do know now is what a great artist he was. His use of perspective, light and photorealistic painting techniques make for a stunning body of work; huge paintings of what I can only describe as kinetic art propel the eye across the canvas and up into the heavens; really amazing, sweeping landscapes of Biblical scenes dramatically recreating heaven and hell on earth. His portraits are no less impressive - my two favourites being of A Lady In A Fur Wrap (very Alison Goldfrapp) and Fray Hortensio Felix Paravicino (very Dorian Gray). If you get the chance - go see.

Kath and Kim...
K&K are being relaunched on UK Living TV on Thursday 8th April at 10pm. And you'll able to buy the DVD of series 1 here soon. I read that Americans seem to like it too.

Time Keeps On Slipping, Slipping, Slipping; Into The Future...
Yesterday the clocks went forward by an hour. So we all lost one hour's sleep. Well some of you did. Not me, I lost many more than that. For I was working. Helping a friend out. And what time did I have to get up to do this favour? 5:30am (that's 4:30am only money). Well before any cocks started crowing.

At 6am I was perched at the top of a 60ft ladder in Brewer Street in the middle of fashionable Soho attaching cables to the outside of the Prowler Soho store freezing my nuts off - perhaps you late clubbers may have seen me - yawning above the awning. By 8am I was atop a step ladder in Prowler's, rather sweetly named, 'blue area' fixing Cat5e sockets to the wall - having a yawn amongst the porn. By 10am I was up in their office on the 2nd floor drilling through window frames - I popped a couple Pro Plus as by this point my yawning was getting so frequent as to be distracting. By 11am we were done (yay, Pro Plus!). Or where we? No, there was still another store to do. So at midday we were at Kings Cross Prowler, tools in hand. By 1pm we were banging and crashing and pinning and screwing and bolting like two well oiled banging-crashing-pinning-screwing-bolting machines. Fuelled by more Pro Plus at 3pm we were completely done. Complete done-in more like.

Time enough to get home and a bit of R&R before welcoming Marky home from his travels in Berlin later that day. He had a wail of a time which I was really pleased (but by that point oh so tired) to hear about. Hopefully I'll be more awake to hear more tonight.

(BTW for those of you not too tired to read any further: everything you always wanted to know about British Summer Time but were afraid to ask)

Sidewalk Chalk #6...

Personal Ad - Reading Between The Lines...

[Thanks Guy, good to have you back]

Madonna tickets...
I was thinking about buying Madonna tickets today for her 18th August gig (I had four on reserve) - but with tickets ranging from £50-£150 and Earls Court having the acoustics of a barn and such bad lines of sight I'm not going to bother. Making this an easier decision is the fact that the last show she did here wasn't that great (even if I did get in for free).

I haven't really liked her last two albums: Music was poor and samey; Amercian Life was worse. Both are gathering dust at the back of a cupboard somewhere. I still regularly play both Like A Prayer and Ray Of Light which says it all really.

Speak or Spell?...
I just got my mobile phone bill for last month: Cost of calls £2.29; cost of SMS: £23.48. So I spend over ten times as much on texting as I do on calling. Is anyone else addicted to texting?

Sidewalk Chalk #5...

Kiki and Herb...
Stephen, David, Pano and I went to see Kiki and Herb perform an 'exclusive' one-off gig at Tutu's Bar in King's College Student's Union last night. On stage for over an hour the musical mayhem and rants were as spot on as ever. Talking Heads, Bonnie Tyler, Britney Spears, Kelis, Mystique, Eminem all got the treatment - all mixed in with the usual gut-wrenching angst and glib side swipes.

Careering through some of the medleys like a brakeless go-kart down a very steep hill Kiki would sometimes go all wobbly (both vocally and physically) and swerve out of control into a new direction. Playing the drunk to a tee she fell over twice. She would perhaps genuinely forget some of the words to a song but the ensuing banter between the performers just made it all the more funny and kept the momentum going. The encores were fab of course, but eventually the four wheels of this particular go-kart all fell off with a crash and they were gone. A great, great night.

(Note to KCL Tutu's Bar manager: your bar is too fucking cold! We were freezing. We had to keep our jackets on even when dancing. Cheap beer though!)

Pop Quiz Answers...

01. Complex
02. 1979 (it was a trick because it was supposed to be an 80s quiz)
03. Number 2
04. 1983 (not 1985 as Wendy claimed - thanks Mike!)
05. We are detective, we are select, we are detective, come to collect
06. 1983
07. Tom Baily, Alannah Currie and Joe Leeway
08. Jimmy Sommerville, Steve Bronski and Larry Steinbacheck
09. Ultravox
10. 1980
11. No. It only got to number 29
12. Depeche Mode
13. 1981
14. No. It only got to number 57
15. Eight
16. Fad Gadget
17. The Associates
18. John Foxx
19. German
20. Giorgio (the trick being that putting 'Giorgio Moroder' was incorrect and only got you half a point)

Sidewalk Chalk #4...

Pop Quiz...
Last night Darren, Blake (where does Darren get all these cute work colleagues from?) and I ventured into the night to join the merry throng at the Retro Bar for the weekly Popteasers Quiz. The Retro Bar is undergoing a refit at the moment (i.e. they're painting the walls red again) and Wendy, the electric landlady, kindly gave Mark and I invitations / freebie drinks tickets for this Saturday night's Facelift launch party.

It was to be an 80s quiz and a cheer went up as this was announced. Everyone was going to get a very high score. We all knew it. But wait; the quiz had been set by Wendy who openly admits to knowing nothing about the 80s and so was relying very heavily on the Guiness Book Of Hit Singles. This could be sink or swim quiz then. And as it turned out it was 'sink'. The winners got just fifteen points (and won the cash - again) and we 'came second' with twelve points. Dismal.

See how you get on:

01. His first three hits all went top ten. One of them was Cars. What were the other two? (one was as a band)
02. When was Cars first a hit in the UK? (slight trick question)
03. How high did Freez's IOU get in the UK charts?
04. What was the year Freez's IOU was a hit?
05. What is the twelve word chorus to the Thompson Twins's We Are Detective?
06. What was the year the Thompson Twins's We Are Detective was a hit?
07. Name the three members of the Thompson Twins.
08. Name the original three members of Bronski Beat.
09. Who had a hit with Sleepwalk?
10. What year was Sleepwalk a hit?
11. Was Sleepwalk this band's first top twenty single?
12. Who had a hit with Dreaming Of Me?
13. What year was Dreaming Of Me a hit?
14. Was Dreaming Of Me this band's first top twenty single?
15. How many top ten hits have Simple Minds had to date?
16. Which electro band had a track Ricky's Hand?
17. Who had a track called White Car In Germany?
18. Who had a track called Underpass?
19. Who nationality were the band that had a hit with Dr. Mabuse?
20. What's the artist's name that had a hit with From Here To Eternity? (slight trick question)

Sidewalk Chalk #3...

Sad To Be All Alone In The World...
I'm on my own all this week. Marky Mark has jetted off to Berlin for a week's holiday; back on Sunday. He's never been before but judging by the numerous text messages and odd phone call from him he seems to be having lots fun which is great. He deserves it.

So in case you're reading this Marky here's my little phrase guide to help you in those day to day situations:

guten abend - good evening
ein bier, bitte - one beer please
zwei bier, bitte - two beers please
danke - thank you
sprechen sie Englisch? - do you speak English?
ja - yes
ich suche ... I'm looking for ...
ich möchte ... I would like ...
gute nacht - good night

Sidewalk Chalk #2...

Fireman Sam...
I don't know how it happened but I've somehow been persuaded into taking a Firewarden Training course today. I've been promised a real fire, real fire extinguishers to play with and a real fireman to talk to (oh wait, now I know how I was persuaded...)

Sidewalk Chalk #1...

Who next?...
William Hartnell, Patrick Troughton, Jon Pertwee, Tom Baker, Peter Davison, Colin Baker, Sylvester McCoy, Paul McGann and now Christopher Eccleston. Good choice.

Why, thank you...
Yesterday my company threw a little lunch party for me. The reason? - I'd worked for them for ten years. I had a little ceremony, got a framed certificate and £350 to spend. Very nice of them I must say.

So what rock 'n' roll thing did I put the money towards? What leftfield wacky thing did I blow it all on?
Click here to find out:

Sad man that I am.

Microsoft Local Language Program...
Microsoft have announced that they are going to support 40 more languages through their Local Language Program. These will include: Welsh, Catalan, Bahasa, Gujarati and Tamil. The aim is to to increase usage by minority language speakers. All very laudable. But I see from the list there's no mention of the gay slang language of Polari? Not so bona.

Kiki & Herb...
Kiki & Herb's new show called Mount The President is coming to London throughout April. The show will be on HMS President on the Thames. Should be a blast. I'm planning on going twice: the first Friday (2nd April) and on the last Friday (23rd April). Anyone else coming? Rumour has it they're playing Duckie either this week or more next too.

The Swearing Xylophone...
Strange but true - a Xylophone that swears.
[Thanks Rich]

More ticket madness...
The ticket buying frenzy continues: El Greco, Gadda Da Vida, Kiki & Herb, Tina C and Kiki & Herb (again)

Moonie...

Scissor Sisters on TV...
Take Your Mama has been confirmed as the next single by the Scissor Sisters. It's out on 29th March and will be backed with Backwoods Discoteque Part II.

Last Sunday they were on Channel Four's Popworld with the making of Take Your Mama video. Very funny. And here are some upcoming TV appearances:

Sun 21 March - POPWORLD (C4)
Sun 21 March - NME AWARDS REPEAT (C4)
Fri 26 March - JONATHAN ROSS (BBC1)
Sun 28 March - T4 (C4)
Fri 7 May - LATER (BBC2)

Take Your Mama...
It's been a busy time here at overyourhead lately throwing myself into London life. Going to Wig Out for the first time a few weeks back, Popstarz for the first time in ages a couple of weeks ago and last Saturday's adventure was to go to Shinky Shonky at Pitch (the newly rechristened Flip).

Shinky Shonky having been described in glowing terms as, "the ultimate in off-the-wall, off-your-face and off-this-planet quirkiness and pure unadulterated mindless mayhem" I was expecting a fun night out. And indeed my expectations were almost met.

True, Boogaloo Stu was a wacky host; the music was de rigueur trendy-disco-pop-'the Cathy Dennis Collection'-trash; the live stage act was an amusing mix of slapstick and cheese; the jellybeans, naughty-botty badges and Hula Hoops were a nice touch: but it wasn't quite the "Tiswas on magic mushrooms" I had been promised. The venue was just a bit too cramped, the music wasn't quite quirky enough for my taste and the night smacked a bit of college-disco.com (if there is such a thing).

I guess I've been spoilt with Duckie and end up comparing everywhere to that now. Fool that I am.

Tickets, Please...
Here at overyourhead I've been booking tickets like a loon recently: Kiki & Herb for next Wednesday, Scissor Sisters for early April, Marc Almond for mid-April, Marc Almond for late July, Marc Almond for later July (again), The Producers for late October... will this boy never stay in?

Me and Paul...

[Thanks to Marky for the pic]

What's Your Favourite Swear Word?...
A simple enough question. And this Channel Four ad pulls no punches in telling us how some famous people would answer that question (beware: may not be suitable for high volume at work as there is lots of swearing!)
[Thanks Rog]

When Is A Planet (Not) A Planet?...
When Nasa says so apparently. Calling it Sedna seems a bit odd though. Makes it look like a typo. "One group of astronomers believe that Pluto is not a true planet but merely one of the largest of a vast number of minor objects in the outer Solar System. The alternative standpoint is that Pluto is a planet and those who believe that will have to classify Sedna as the tenth planet." So there you go.

Brain Teasers...
1. What number comes next in the sequence to replace the question mark?

2, 7, 11, 20, 38, 69, ?


2. What letter should be used to continue the following series?

F, S, T, F, F, S, S, E,

Marky Mark MA...
Congratulations to Mark who has just heard that he's passed his masters. He can now add Master Of Arts (MA) after his name. You're a star.

It's Friday! Shake It, Baby, Shake It Like A Polaroid Picture...

Sin Songs...
Marc Almond is doing another residency at the Almeida Theatre called Sin Songs - Torch and Romance with summer. So far the six nights confirmed are from 20th - 25th July 2004. Tickets go one sale this Monday 15th March. Should be fab.

George Michael retries retires...
George Michael's new album Patience is out on Monday. The reviews in Time Out, Q etc all say it is fantastic and give it either four or five stars. So I'm looking forward to listening to it, fan that I am. Interesting that the BBC earlier were reporting that on the Jo Wiley show yesterday George Michael says that he's retiring. I notice they've hastily changed that headline to 'George Michael shuns music industry'. What he actually said was after a duet's album in 2005 he's only going to release music online and for free and not promote another album because he hates the press.

God Particle...
When I was studying theoretical physics at university the Higgs Boson, or 'God Particle', was a hot topic. Did it exist? Could ever be found? What would its energy/mass be? Now it looks like someone might have found some strong evidence for it and even know it's energy/mass too. Cool. The Standard Model (diagram below) needs the Higgs Boson to give the universe mass - something the other 16 fundamental particles and interactions that have been found so far just can't do. Poor loves, they do try.

Congratulations...
Looks like I'm going to be a brother-in-law again and a step-Uncle again too. Yippie! My sister, Joanna, and her beau, Martin, got engaged the other Saturday. Congratulations to you both! I'm really happy for you.

Naturally Martin asked my parents' permission first. Luckily for him they didn't sit him on the sofa and ask him for a CV, audited accounts and two references. It would have been fun to see his face if they did!

Welcome to the family, Martin. Or as Drew put it when Marky and I got 'registered' a few years ago, "there are enough dead-beats in this family - why should having another onboard make any difference?" The wag.

Cats...
Do you love cats? Well, here's a cute movie (in Windows Media Video format) that'll make you go ahhhh.
Do you hate cats? Well, now you can shoot them like clay pidgeons.

Feel Great...
This advert for Nutrigrain is really weird. But it'll make you feeeel greaat!

The Four Word Film Review...
I love the four word film review - it tells you everything you need to know about a film in four pithy words or less. Saves reading all those pesky long film reviews, huh?.

Last night we went to see Lord Of The Rings: The Return Of The King (again): FWFR's verdict? "Three. Ring. Serkis." or "Hard Hobbit to break" or "One ring. Five endings". I'd have rather seen Lost In Translation ("Blief Encounter") or Big Fish ("'Forrest Gump' with freaks") though.

Sunday we saw two films on TV, Barbershop ("Hip hop barber shop") and Intolerable Cruelty ("Clooney penetrates Catherine's pre-nup").

FWFR's top ten reviews are:-
Titanic: Icy dead people.
The Blair Witch Project: Tense. Intense. In tents.
Breast Men: Sale of two titties.
Amadeus: Salieri has pianist envy.
The Pianist: Schindler's Lizst.
Superman: The Great S Cape.
Basic Instinct: Crossed, un-crossed, HELLO, crossed.
Saving Private Ryan: Brother gets own bedroom.
Kramer vs Kramer: I bet Kramer wins.
The Matrix: Dude, I'm Christ? Whoa!

Flipstart PC...
I so want one of these. Out in Q3/4 this year - target price £750. Ouch!

Jason and Me...
Here is a snap of my friend who lives in Spain, Jason, and me. I'm looking a bit drunk rosy-cheeked.

Marc Almond and Trash Palace...
This coming Wednesday 10th March Marc will be appearing as the special guest of Trash Palace at 93 Feet East, 150 Brick Lane, London, E1. He will sing Serge Gainsbourgh's 'I'm The Boy' with them and then later will also be playing a DJ set. Doors open at 7.30, tickets are £8 and are available from www.ticketweb.co.uk For further information go to www.93feeteast.co.uk
[From Theatre Of Marc Almond]

Music Plasma...
A great use of the Amazon API, this site will let you search for music visually. Way cool.

When TV shows collide: Celebrity Fit Club vs. Footballer$ Wives...
Being a recent convert to the oh so trashy Footballer$ Wives on ITV1 it's been fun to catch up with all the bonking and bitchiness and thinking what a laugh the writers, cast and production crew must have had making it. It's a sort of Dynasty meets Carry On film meets tabloid football melodrama. One of the funniest story lines currently running is new wife Tanya Laslett (played by Zoe Lucker) trying to kill off dicky-hearted ex-club chairman Frank Laslett (played by John Forgeham) with sex to inherit his cash and be free of him. Will she succeed in shagging him to death, the evil minx?

The other show I love watching at the moment is Celebrity Fit Club - the B-list dieting show - which stars our own, our very own Amy Lame as the gobby lesbian who wants to shift a stone or three. Along side Amy are seven other fatties who also would like to slim down (and get a bit of TV exposure at the same time). The eight are split into two teams of four and they try and out do each other by losing the most weight each week. And surprise, surprise who do you think is on Amy's opposing team (in so many ways)? Why, it's John Forgeham, the actor from Footballer$ Wives!

Well, Tuesday's Celebrity Fit Club episode was a peach: Amy and John fell out over a little bitchiness in the gym. But John's reaction to this was incredible. He went absolutely bonkers at Amy; there was swearing and threats to walk off the show and tantrums and drama and shouting and bullying and more swearing and fingers in the ears and sexism and homophobia and more swearing and at times it was actually unpleasant to watch. I'd rarely seen such unwarranted bile on the screen; all directed at our poor little Amy. Great TV though, albeit a little uncomfortable to watch at times.

So we hate John Forgeham now. And when we were watching Footballer$ Wives the following night and Tanya was shagging John's character Frank to try and kill him we were actually cheering her on! Go girl! Kill the bastard!

Top Ten Gadgets for 2004
It would set you back £8,420 to get the ultimate gadgets for 2004 according to Stuff magazine but here they are anyway to drool over:
- Bluetooth Mobile (Nokia 6600)
- MP3 Jukebox (Apple iPod)
- Plasma Screen (Pioneer PDP-434HDE)
- Home Cinema (Pioneer NS-DV990)
- Personal Video Recorder (Sky+)
- Digital Camera (Pentax Optio S4)
- Games Console (Microsoft Xbox)
- Wi-fi Laptop (Sony Vaio)
- Wireless Network (Netgear)
- Watch (Seiko Arctura Kinetic)

Rio bashing...

[Thanks Kevin]

Hush, hush...
Funny story: as we were staggering along on our bar crawl a man, Neil, came up to me in The Yard last Friday night and says he works for ftn (a smallish cable channel here in the UK that show xxxxxx xxxxxx) and says, "You're Jonathan!" So I say, "Guilty as charged". And he says, "I recognise your face from your web site. We read it at the office and you're a big xxxxxx xxxxxxx fan!". "Again guilty as charged", say I (ok, I was completely wankered so saying 'guilty' seemed the only thing to say). Then he tells me that they, flextech, are xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx in the UK on a bigger xxxxxxxxxxx xxxxxxxxxxx xxxxxxxxxxx xxxxxxx, and they are having a xxxxxxxx xxxxxxxxxxxx xxxxxxxxxxx xxxxxxxxxxxxxxx and would I like to come and would I like to xxxxxxxxxxxx xxxxxxxxxxx xxxxxxxxxxxxxx and this and this and that and that and... everything (well, he was pretty excited by this point - and so was I to tell you the truth). So maybe I might actually get a chance to xxxxxxxx xxxxxxxxxxx. Time, as they say, will tell.

Oh, and I said I wouldn't shout about it too loudly until things are a bit more definite - so I guess I'll need to censor this post. You'll have to fill in the blanks yourself. My lips are sealed.

Advert for Phone...
Not quite so subtle this one.

[Thanks to Kevin]

Lea DeLaria...
As promised, more about Duckie last Saturday: all my favourite Jasons were there: Jason #1, Jason #2, Jason #3 and Jason #4, Marky came which was great, David and Kevin and Angus and Clive and him and her and them and everyone. It was great fun.

The act on was Lea DeLaria, lesbian jazz singer / comedienne extrordinaire. She was promoting her new album Double Standards (jazz covers of pop classics like Blondie's Call Me and Sound Garden's Black Hole Sun.

Best gag of the night? Lea: "There are a lot of sexy looking women here. It's giving me a wide on!" Excellent.

The Art Of Ligging...
For the past week we've had my friend Jason to stay with us; and it's been fantastic. I've known Jason for about 18 years and he lives in Barcelona. Last time he came to Britain was 6 years ago - and a lot has changed here. But he hasn't. Jason is a ligger par excellence. To explain: Friday night we went on a bar crawl in Soho to limber up (more of that later) and then went to Popstarz at The Scala for a bit of a bop and boogie; there we waltzed to the front of the queue, Jason did the chat, got in free, got all our drinks for free and put our coats behind the DJ booth. On Saturday night after going to Duckie (more of that later) we went on to Wig Out at The Ghetto, waltzed to the front of the queue again, Jason did the chat again, got in free again, got all our drinks for free again and put our coats behind the DJ booth (you've guessed it) again. So two big nights out - paying exactly zero. Naturally I rode the coat tails of Jason both night - after all he's the man with the gift of the gabble. I've learned his gabble is usually honey talk but occasionally it can be coercion. An example: well after the bar had closed at Wig Out he came up with this line to one of the bar staff, "Don't make me ask Simon (the owner) to get me a drink. We wouldn't want that now would we?" More drinks magically appeared. If I hadn't been wankered I'd have been embarrassed - but I was, so I wasn't. It'll be sorry to see him go today.

When Mummy Is Away...
I don't think Daddy has been left with baby before.

Advert for Lube...
Too subtle? Or is it?