Quote Of The Day

"Victory goes to the player who makes the next-to-last mistake - Chessmaster Savielly Grigorievitch Tartakower (1887-1956)"

Thursday, December 31, 2009

My Favourite Jokes for 2009...

Q: Who's the nicest man in a hospital?
A: The ultra-sound man
Q: Who covers his shifts while he's away?
A: The hip-replacement guy.
Q: What do you call a tellytubby who has been burgled?
A: A tubby.
Q: What is Grand Master Flash's favourite website?
A: Wik wik wiki wikipedia.
Q: What's brown and rhymes with Snoop?
A: Dr. Dre
Q: How do find Will Smith when he's lost in the snow?
A: You look for the fresh prints.
Q: What do you call a Mexican peeping-tom?
A: Senor Minge.
My Uncle was a terrible ventriloquist.
When I was little he used to put his
hand up my arse and tell me to keep quiet.
Remember – drinking alcohol can seriously harm your baby.
Especially if you're in Portugal and can't be arsed to pay for a babysitter.

When on holiday, I like to show everyone just how British I am by offering them heroin out of my suitcase
Really, I like to show how British I am by losing one of my children.
I'm Austrian my children don't go on holidays.
I'm Nigerian, I try and stop my children going on holidays, especially to America.
I'm Pakistani and I've been on holiday in Britain for 27 years now.
I'm Brazilian and I avoid the Tube when on holiday.
I'm Chinese and our regulations for holiday luggage can be really strict.
I'm French and I surrender
I'm American and I don't get it.
I'm Maddie, and I'm still on holiday!

[Feel free to reuse these and pass these off as your own - I did!]

Legally Blonde: The Musical...

Last night Stu, Marcus, Richard and I had VIP tickets to see Legally Blonde: The Musical at the Savoy Theatre.

We'd almost seen it in New York a couple of years ago - and now I wish we had. It was fab; way better than we'd thought it was going to be. We laughed. A lot.

Shedian Smith as Elle Woods was excellent (which we'd half expected having been wowed by her in Little Shop Of Horrors a couple of years ago) as was Alex Gaumond, Duncan James (yes, him from Blue), Peter Davidson (yes, him from Doctor Who) and Jill Halfpenny (what a revelation she was!)

Coming from the same pen that wrote the dire Batboy: The Musical I had a bad feeling about the show - but how wrong I was; the songs were good, the lyrics funny and the dancing top notch. And the dogs were very sweet.

Best bit: The song There! Right There! with the refrain "Gay or European?" to the tune of something resembling Beauty and the Beast's Gaston.

Go see.

Wednesday, December 30, 2009

Christmas Party ft the surliest Santa ever...

On Sunday before Christmas Stuart and I went to Upminster to meet up with the gang for Christmas lunch at The West Lodge, Essex.

Just like last year it was great fun; eating, drinking, dancing and 'Pete, the Music Man' (think Raw Sex).

Making a welcome come back was grumpy Santa Claus to entertain the kids. This year he was more surly than grump though - having been on the sauce since 11am. Stuart doesn't really like kids which is of course why we made him do it. He is, officially, the surliest Santa ever. Needless to say he was brilliant!

Click on the image below to be taken to the full set of photos.

Tuesday, December 22, 2009

Arsenal 3 - 0 Hull...

What an amazing day we had on Saturday! I'd successfully won a charity bid for an Executive Box at the Emirates Stadium to watch Arsenal take on Hull so took many of my nearest and dearest to join in the fun. The box was amazing - more like a hotel room - great view of the pitch, free booze, Christmas crackers, free programs, heated, LCD TV, waitress...

The game itself was OK too. A bit of a struggle in the first half but an on-pitch fight soon livened things up. We scored, a soft penalty was easily saved my Almunia and it was all downhill for Hull from there. We ended up winning 3-0.

The gang met up at the Hen and Chickens for pre-match beers and went to The Gunners afterwards to unwind. I'd asked everyone who came along to chip in £20 so we could top £1000 for the NSPCC. So thanks to Paul, Barry, Martyn, Simon, Mark, Allegra, Suzie, Matt, Al, Ben, Sam and Jim.

Montage below but click here for more snaps.

Monday, December 21, 2009

Overcoming Obstacles with Spunk!...

Overcoming Obstacles with Spunk!. No really. A genuine book about developing a positive attitude (apparently).

Loving the naughty Amazon customer tags though!

Tags Customers Associate with This Product
monkey custard (17) population paste (15) spunk (11) nyum nyum nyum (9) tadpoles (8) baby gravy (6) baby batter (1) barclays bank (1) blurt splurt (1) bukkake (1) clunge juice (1) come (1) comedy (1) creamy goodness (1) dirty yoghurt (1) duck butter (1) facial (1) gentlemens relish (1) gism (1) glooping (1) hand shandy (1) handy-j (1) knob yoghurt (1) man fat (1) man jam (1) man made milkshake (1) man milk (1) milm (1) national hunt (1) nut butter (1) pram filler (1) protein stain (1) salty snot (1) semen (1) spooge (1) spuff (1) tatty water (1) todger tapioca (1) trunk junk (1) white wee-wee (1)

Thursday, December 17, 2009

Carol Singing...

A bunch of us from work went down to Spitalfields Market in glamorous East London last night to do some carol singing (sinning?) to raise money for the NSPCC. We murdered all the classics of course but it was all for a good cause. A few passers-by joined in which was nice and we ended up with a couple of buckets full of cash - some £5 and £10 notes too!

It was ruddy cold down there so we put on loads of layers - which sort of made us look like Weebles.

Wednesday, December 16, 2009

Sandi Toksvig's Christmas Cracker...

Matt organised tickets for us to see Sandi Toksvig's Christmas Cracker at the Royal Festival Hall last night. Oh dear. Not so much a cracker as a damp squib. We were laughing 'at' not 'with'. Over-long and half-baked.

Sandi Toksvig is funny. But this certainly ain't. A rag bag of singers, lame jokes, a 3rd rate magican, a piss-poor send up of a Christmas Carol - and terrible lighting cues and crap sound didn't help. Stephen Mangan was tragically misused as Scrooge.

Even Ronnie Corbett and his dated jokes couldn't resuscitate this dying turkey.


Word to the wise: at after-show party... gush! Thesbians have uber fracile egos. Saying "that was crap" doesn't go down well!

Tuesday, December 15, 2009

Brussels and Antwerp...

Stu and I have just been to Belgium for a long weekend. Stu had never been before so we jumped on the Eurostar and before we knew it were there.

Brussels was cool. We ate mussels, drank beer and milled (and mulled) about town.

Antwerp was even better; the Christmas market excellent, the Santa race was fun, we sat in a bar watching the ice-skaters and the twinkling lights in the square in front of the cathedral.

Monday, December 14, 2009

Liverpool 1-2 Arsenal...

Arsenal defender Thomas Vermaelen on Arsene Wenger's angry half-time team-talk that inspired the Gunners' comeback: "I've never seen him before like that and we reacted very well. It was very important for us to win today - we have closed the gap a little bit and we are back in the race I think."

Or as Paul and I used to say: PBYC! (Play Better You C*nts!)

Best Selling Singles of the Decade...

A list of the best selling singles of the decade.
01. Will Young (Evergreen)
02. Gareth Gates (Unchained Melody)
03. Shaggy (Wasn't Me)
04. Tony Christie/Peter Kay (Amarillo)
05. Band Aid 20
06. Hear'Say (Pure & Simple)
07. Shayne Ward (That's My Goal)
08. Kylie (Can't Get You Out Of My Head)
09. Bob the Builder (Can We Fix It)
10. Atomic Kitten (Whole Again)

Wednesday, December 09, 2009

Kim Noble Will Die...

Last night Stu and I went to the Soho Theatre to see the rather wonderful Kim Noble in Kim Noble Will Die. Oh my giddy Aunt!

The poster said, "Contains strong material that may shock or cause offence. OVER 18s ONLY." Too bloody right! Blood, sex, ejaculations, Floella Benjamin, suicide, you name it...

To call it a ground-breaking mix of comedy, video and avante-garde theatre would be putting it mildly. Horrifying. Visceral. Hysterical. Hilarious. Inspiring. Genius. Unwatchable. Pornographic.

Go see!

Don't just take my word for it:

'Shocking, beautiful and profound. It will blow your mind'
****** (Six Stars) Time Out
'The most remarkable thing I’ve seen this year... People blather on about the cutting edge of comedy. Well, for once, here it is'
**** The Times
'Five stars don't even touch the sides of what this breath-stopping show deserves'
***** The Scotsman

Tuesday, December 08, 2009

Christmas Market South Bank...

Alison Moyet at the RFH...

On Sunday evening Andy treated us to tickets to see Alison Moyet at the Royal Festival Hall. Alf was on her 25 Years Revisited UK Tour.

First up we had Alex Cornish - - a singer / songwriter who was playing tracks from album Until The Traffic Stops. All quite nice.

Best song: Counting Chimney Pots

After the interval saw the appearance of the lady herself. And boy has she lost weight! She looked almost thin. Of course she sounded as magnicient as ever. She would tenderly caress both her classic love songs and defiant heartbreakers with equal vocal skill. Her range was amazing and style distinctive. We loved it.

The set-list was:
Should I feel That It's Over
One More Time
Only You
Should I feel
Hoo Doo
All Cried Out
Windmills Of Your Mind
Find Me
Ordinary Girl
Love Resurrection
That Ole Devil Called Love
This House
Almost Blue
Ode To Boy
Don't Go
Love Letters
Is This Love?
Weak In The Presense Of Beauty
You Don't Have to Go
Ne Me Quitte Pas
Whispering Your Name

Best track: This House

At least I didn't cry buckets like I did the last time I saw her.

Monday, December 07, 2009

Fever Ray...

On Saturday night was Mark's birthday and he, Patrick, Sarah, Mikey, Ernie, Drew, David and I all went to the The Junction Tavern for a bite to eat before being treated to Fever Ray at the HMV Kentish Town.

Fever Ray is an alias of Karin Dreijer Andersson of the electronic duo The Knife. As the performance started (oh yes, it was a 'performance' for sure) the stage was pitch black and pretty much stayed that way for the next hour and a quarter. There were four performers (I think) dressed in weird costumes (I think) illuminated only by nine fluctuating granny lamp shades and an array of rather impressive lasers.

The music itself was quite hypnotic - at times a massive wall of sound that assaulted the senses and put you into a trance-like state and at times a contrasting quieter, creepier and forbidding sound that transported you into a dreamlike state. Apparently the music has its roots in sleep deprivation, which I can well believe.


Wednesday, December 02, 2009

Under The Wiper...

I once left my car in Sainsbury's car park in Islington when I was doing a big monthly shop. When I came back to it the bumper and rear lights were all smashed up. Then I found this note under the wiper. It said: "I just accidentally reversed into your car. Quite a few people saw me do it. They think I'm leaving my name and details. Well, I'm not."