Gay Springfield...

It was the 'gay marriage' episode of The Simpsons last night. Hilarious. No prizes for guessing who came out... "there goes my last lingering thread of my heterosexuality", indeed.

Hangover...

I have a confession to make. I'm odd. Really odd. Or maybe just mad. But... I... enjoy... (I find it hard to admit this)... actually enjoy having a a hangover. I find it warm and fuzzy and nice. It's like a brain hug. Does that make me weird?

Heavy Doll Action...

Got myself a crying, walking, sleeping, talking living doll; who also does rude things with other dolls.
[Thanks Rog]

O2 sponsors white elephant...

O2 has confirmed it is to sponsor London's most prominent white elephant by renaming The Millennium Dome "The O2". Due to reopen in 2007 it will be a venue for music, shows and sporting events. A spokesman for O2 shrugged off claims that it was sponsoring a monument of ridicule. "This is a bold move," he said, "and is in keeping with our emphasis to back music and entertainment." Let's face it though, at the end of the day it's just a big tent that no-one wants to go to.

Goldfrapp - Supernature...

More live dates from the lovely Goldfrapp. They are headlining at the TDK Cross Central festival in Kings Cross on Saturday 28th August.
And straight from the deer's mouth: We've changed the title of the album - it's now called Supernature. It's still coming out on 22nd August, and Ooh La La will be on 8th August as previously planned. And the tracklisting is as follows:
1. Ooh La La
2. Lovely 2 C U
3. Ride A White Horse
4. U Never Know
5. Let It Take You
6. Fly Me Away
7. Slide In
8. Koko
9. Satin Chic
10. Beautiful
11. Time Out From The World
12. No. 1

Can't wait!

Big Brother 2005...

It looks as if Big Brother, which starts this Friday, is aiming for the same evil streak it had last year; transparent walls, a claustrophobic feel and an unlucky 13th person. Doubtless I shall be glued.

Son Of A Peach...

Mario never used to behave like this in my day. Dirty dog!
[Needs Flash]

Kelly Osbourne - One Word...

I'm obsessed with Kelly Osbourne's One Word and have it on repeat both on my MP3 player, at home, at work and in my head. Love it. Especially CD2 - that has a cover of The Human League's Sound Of The Crowd.

Arsenal FA Cup Champions...

I cannot let the event pass, Arsenal became FA Cup Champions with the final on Saturday. Arsenal beat Manchester United but not with a particularly satisfy of victory; it was 5-4 on penalties after 30 minutes extra time. Still although we know we can play better than we did it is important to go back home with the trophy. Modifies rapture. So two cheers for the Gunners!

Paul and I have both put ourselves down for season tickets for the new Emirates Stadium when it opens for the 2006/2007 season. Fingers crossed though as there are approximately 32300 other people in the queue in front of us. Our joker to be played? We are both Islington Residents and so should get priority for half of the new tickets released.

Wedding...

On Saturday it was my sister's wedding. Everything went smoothly and we all had a fantastic time as I know Jo and Martin did too. So congratulations to the happy couple! May you have years of joy ahead. All my love XX

Justin Bond & The Freudian Slippers...

From Monday June 20 to July 2nd Justin Bond (& The Freudian Slippers) are performing at the Soho Theatre, "an evening of story and song by, for and about trannies, hustlers and drug addicts. Following on from several sold out runs with Kiki & Herb, Soho Theatre presents the premiere of this solo show from New York's Justin Bond. An autobiographical melange of music and video in which Justin tells all about his years teetering on the edge of the sidewalk between the nightclub and the gutter from San Francisco to New York to London." Not to be missed!

Star Wars: Episode III Revenge of the Sith...

Last night Paul and I went to see Star Wars: Episode III Revenge of the Sith.

The blurb said: "The Sith are masters of the dark side of the Force and the sworn enemies of the Jedi. They were all but exterminated by the Jedi a thousand years ago, but the evil order continued in secrecy. They operated quietly, behind the scenes, acting in pairs - a Master and an Apprentice - patiently biding their time before they could take over the galaxy. In Episode III, they'll finally exact their revenge on the Jedi."

As the last couple of films have been a tad disappointing maybe this really will be Revenge of The Sixth. And indeed it was. It was great. It has restored my faith in the franchise.

However...

I thought that despite some good bits it was way too repetitive. The scenes were cut way too fast to take it all in. There was far too much CGI leading it to look like a 1970s Roger Dean album cover. The acting was awful (with perhaps the notable exception of Ian McDiarmid as Supreme Chancellor Palpatine). The script poor and the direction pedestrian. There was no real magic that we'd enjoyed in the first trilogy. Having said all of that it was better than either Episode 1 or Episode 2! My 2p.

Caravaggio...

Last night Drew, Paul and I went to the National Gallery in London's glitzy West End to see the current Caravaggio exhibition showing there.

It was a magnificent, albeit brief, tour of the last four years of the great painter's life when he was on the run from a murder rap in Rome.

Killing someone in a duel was not atypical behaviour from the hot tempered, violent, rebellious, tormented genius. He painted some of his greatest work while on the run and fearing for his life. Odd that.

Caravaggio's work in general is striking in that it is virtually photo realistic. However his characters in these later works are charged with emotions that seem to come from the artist's own personal experiences. I suppose in that respect he is what we might coin the first 'modern artist'.

Oh, did I mention he was a big old bender too.

Dreamweaver Intermediate...

Yesterday I was on my second Dreamweaver course - this time the intermediate one that helped introduce me to slightly groovier features: META tags, forms, libraries, cascading style sheets, rollovers, behaviours, layers, timelines, Flash, pop-ups and image maps. All great fun. But rest assured, dear reader I shall not be subjecting you to too much dynamic content on overyourhead. That would just be needlessly cruel.

Laurie Anderson: The End of the Moon...

Last night Paul and I undertook our almost annual pilgrimage to the Barbican Theatre to see our idol Laurie Anderson perform live. She was performing The End of the Moon, the second of her trilogy of intimate solo works. It followed on from the fabulous Happiness show. And was no less fabulous itself. Weove Laurie: poet, humourist, violinist and NASA's first (and last) artist-in-residence.

Selected gems included:

Who taught you what beauty is?

Life is just bad art. Written by too many writers not knowing what they are writing about. Characters come and go almost at random. Plots start but never go anywhere. Characters die for no reason whatsoever. It's like those empty buses at night. Circling the city.

And beneath it all is your subconscious. Your subconscious can't speak. It doesn't know any words. So it just shows you pictures. This is blue. What do you make of that? And you spend years trying to figure it out.

I was in Turkey last year. On this TV show. And the audience all had guns. Pistols, machine guns, various other artillery. And I thought, "Oh oh. Not what any artist wants. A heavily armed audience."

New BBC Weather Map...

Have you seen that new 3-D television weather forecast graphics on the telly? It's crap. After the BBC News yesterday it crashed twice live "ERROR! NO VALUE!" How embarrassing. The Scots aren't too happy either.

Doctor Who DVD...

The first Dr Who DVD of the new series is out this week. With a 12 certificate due to the The Unquiet Dead episode, which featured Victorian killer zombies. The second DVD will be out on 13th June - again with a 12 certifcate - this time due to the scene of the Dalek being tortured.

Alison Moyet at the RFH...

Last night Paul, Simon, Charlie and I went to see Alison Moyet at the Royal Festival Hall. Paul had booked us a box which gave us an excellent view of both the stage and the auditorium - an auditorium packed with poofs and dykes aplenty. The gays do like Alf.

The staging was simple with keyboards, two guitars, drums and a stringed quartet. But it was Alf's voice we had all come to hear. And she did not disappoint. She would tenderly caress both classic love songs and defiant heartbreakers with equal vocal skill. Her range was amazing and style distinctive.

The show was to promote her last two albums, the most recent of which, Voices (a covers albums of classic love songs), has been the soundtrack to my life for the last few weeks.

To say I cried during the show would be putting it mildly. I blubbed like a baby more or less throughout. At one point, just after God Give Me Strength, I even had to leave my seat and go outside to compose myself.

Alf is a great, great performer. And it was a great, great show (sniff).

Kylie Has Breast Cancer...

Breaking news: Kylie has cancelled her Australian Showgirl tour after a diagnosis of breast cancer.

The following statement was issued by her management:

"Whilst at home in Melbourne with her family this week prior to her Australian Showgirl tour, Kylie was diagnosed with early breast cancer. She will undergo immediate treatment and consequently her Australian tour will not be able to proceed as planned."

Kylie said today: "I was so looking forward to bringing the Showgirl tour to Australian audiences, and am sorry to have to disappoint my fans.

"Nevertheless, hopefully all will work out fine and I'll be back with you all again soon."

Beers For A Busy Bee...

I've been rather busy of late. Socially that is. Keeping myself occupied you might say. With beer mainly.

Craig came to stay Wednesday so it was beers and Amateur Strip Night at BJ's White Swan. The Brazilian won - the Russian lost. As usual.
Thursday it was dinner with Craig and Paul and more beers and Central Station. Where, surprisingly, they had a stripper on. Quite how I found myself on stage... your guess is as good as mine.
Friday Craig and I went on a bar crawl to Comptons (bit boring), Bar Code (great fun) and the Hoist (rather empty but great fun).
Saturday Simon was over and after blubbing our hearts out to Dr Who (sniff) Paul, Simon, Craig and I went to Duckie. Lots of beers and Chinese Opera anyone?
On Sunday Dave came back from York so he, Craig and I headed off for beers at the RVT and ended up with beers at HMD. And surrounded by a wonderful bunch of friends. Thanks for the hug Tim.

Giving the liver a rest today.

Xbox 360...

Microsoft have released details of their new Xbox 360 console. There's an MTV programme all about it at 8pm tonight.

The specs aren't especially astounding but impressive all the same:
Three IBM PowerPC 3.2Ghz CPUs
ATI 500MHz graphics processor
48 billion shader operations per second
512Mb GDDR3 RAM of memory
Removable and upgradeable 20Gb hard drive
Three USB ports
Windows Media Extender built-in
Support for DVD-video, DVD-ROM, DVD-R, DVD+R, CD-DA, CD-R, WMA CD, MP3 CD, Jpeg photo CD

Kath and Kim...
Kath and Kim is finally here! Tonight sees the very first episode being shown on the BBC. So get in on the ground floor, hornbags!

Kath and Kim (Sitcom) - Sex
Time: 22:00 to 22:30 (30 minutes long).
When: Thursday 12th May on BBC 2
Australian sitcom about a mother and daughter living in suburbia. Kim demands Sharon's help to stalk her estranged husband Brett, while Kath and Kel find themselves otherwise engaged.
Starring: Jane Turner, Gina Riley, Glenn Robbins, Peter Rowsthorn, Magda Szubanski
(New Series, Widescreen, Subtitles)

New Goldfrapp album and single...

At last, we are delighted to announce the long awaited new album. It's
called "Ooh La La" and is released on 22nd August. There will be a single,
also called "Ooh La La" released on 8th August. It's sulky, it's sexy and
it's a little bit ooh la la! We've already made a fantastic video to go with
it and we'll make sure you'll be getting a sneaky preview very soon.

And that's not all...

UK live dates confirmed including October 6 - Brixton Academy

I Know It's Over - The Smiths...
Oh mother, I can feel the soil falling over my head
And as I climb into an empty bed
Oh well, enough said
I know it's over still I cling
I don't know where else I can go, mother

Oh mother, I can feel the soil falling over my head
See, the sea wants to take me
The knife wants to slit me
Do you think you can help me?

Sad veiled bride, please be happy
Handsome groom, give her room
Loud, loutish lover, treat her kindly
Although she needs you more than she loves you

And I know it's over
Still I cling
I don't know where else I can go
It's over, it's over, it's over

I know it's over
And it never really began
But in my heart it was so real
And you even spoke to me and said:

"If you're so funny
Then why are you on your own tonight?
And if you're so clever
Then why are you on your own tonight?
If you're so very entertaining
Then why are you on your own tonight?
If you're so very good looking
Why do you sleep alone tonight?
I know because tonight is just like any other night
That's why you're on your own tonight
With your triumphs and your charms
While they are in each other's arms"

It's so easy to laugh
It's so easy to hate
It takes strength to be gentle and kind
It's over, over, over

It's so easy to laugh
It's so easy to hate
It takes guts to be gentle and kind
It's over, over, over

Love is natural and real
But not for you, my love
Not tonight my love
Love is natural and real
But not for such as you and I, my love

Oh Mother, I can feel the soil falling over my head
Oh Mother, I can feel the soil falling over my head
Oh Mother, I can feel the soil falling over my head
Oh Mother, I can feel the soil falling over my head
Oh Mother, I can feel the soil falling over my head

[Copyright: The Smiths]

The kilo is a French lumb of metal...
The National Institute of Standards and Technology (NIST) in the United States, is calling for the kilo to be redefined in terms of a natural phenomenon, such as the number of atoms in a silicon crystal, or the amount of magnetic force required to levitate an object in a watt balance. And why should we argue with them?

Well for 115 years, the kilogram has been defined by a lump of platinum-iridium alloy, kept just outside Paris. But these scientists argue that relying on an actual physical artifact leaves the kilogram vulnerable to misinterpretation, and means other nations have to travel to France to verify their own standard masses. The kilo is now the only international standard measurement left still defined by an actual thing. The metre, for example, was originally defined as a ten-millionth of the distance from the north pole to the equator. It is now agreed to be the distance light travels in one 299,792,458th of a second.

Peter Mohr from NIST in the US argues that a physical artifact can change over time - even if it is a very stable substance, like platinum-iridium alloy. Mohr reckons that it changes as much as 50 parts per billion have been seen over a hundred years. This is probably not a serious problem for banana salesmen, but could impact subatomic physicists, he claims. Which I guess is true. He also pointed out that since 1889, when the Parisian lump was accepted as the international standard, US scientists have had to travel to France three times to verify their own standard masses. Something their not so keen to keep doing. Especially with such a froggy-bashy climate as exists in the US at the moment.

The advantage of the watt balance, or counting atoms, is that any country can recreate them, Mohr argues. The new standards could also be as much as 50 times more precise, and Mohr argues that these factors "tip the scales in favour of the redefinition". Such wit.

But these are not the only arguments in favour of a change. "A meteor could strike Paris - destroying the prototype," Mohr says. "The watt balance can always be recreated." In the aftermath of a meteor strike, it would indeed be good to know exactly how many kilos of rubble have fallen on your house, for example, or exactly how heavy was the thing that has wiped Paris from the face of the Earth.

Further, the news that the kilo is in such imminent danger of extinction will no doubt be seen as a vindication by Brits reluctant to sell their fruit and veg in metric units.

Subservient Chicken...
What else for a Monday morning but... a subservient chicken.
[Thanks Rog]

Guilty Pleasures Caption Competition...
Back in March Paul and I went to the Guilty Pleasures night at the Islington Academy where they were giving out free doughnuts. Their in-house photographer must have taken a snap of me as I helped myself to another one judging by this picture that appears on their web site. They are now running a caption competition - can you perhaps help me win a prize?

He's three I've just thought of.

Caption #1
Manic sugar-crazed overbiter can't believe his luck. Another Dunkin Donut for free.

Caption #2
Sugar rush me, baby one more time.

Caption #3
Wanna suck my Chupa Chups?

But I'm sure you can come up with something better...

Russia Invades Switzerland...
This double page advert for Microft just gets it a bit wrong. Mr 500 Servers works for the Department of Foreign Affairs, Switzerland. Funny how the map seems to suggest the head office is in what? Moscow? And isn't that the picture they used to try and scare us with in the 1980s demonstrating the ICBM threat from USSR?

Duckie Dates...
Regular readers will know I'm a big Duckie fan. So here are some dates for my (and I'd recommend your) diary...

Gay Shame
The Annual Festival of Homosexual Misery
Saturday 2 July 2005 9pm - 3am
The Coronet
next to Elephant & Castle Shopping Centre & Tube, London, SE1
Tickets £15 in advance from The Retro Bar
Limited tickets available on the door. Advance purchase advised.


The Reader's Wifes Holy Trinity:

PANIC ON THE STREETS OF LONDON
The Un-Official Stephen Patrick Morrissey Fan Club Convention.
Friday 10 June 9pm - 3am
Starring Justin Bond, Tina C., Nathan Evans, The Puppini Sisters and many, many more.

A CRASH COURSE FOR THE RAVERS
The Un-Official David Bowie Fan Club Convention
Friday 5 August 9pm - 3am
Starring Mikey Mode, Princess Julia, Miss High Leg Kick, the Buddha of Suburbia and many, many more.

WOW!
The Un-Official Kate Bush Fan Club Convention
Fri 14 October 9pm - 3am
Starring Marisa Carnesky, Paul Kieve, Kazuko Hohki, Fake Bush, Boogaloo Stu, Wee Lee and many, many more.

All Trinity events are at The Coronet too and also cost £15 in person from The Retro Bar. They are doing a Season Ticket (for all 3 Trinity events): £40
Limited tickets available on the door. Advance purchase advised.

Training Courses Are Like Buses...

I've worked in the same job for nigh on 16 years and never once been on a training course. Tomorrow I start my first followed by another of Monday and a continuation on Tuesday. Golly.

So tomorrow's mind-bender is: Dreamweaver MX Introduction which starts with the opening topic of 'Understanding the Internet'. What? All of it?

The two-dayer next week is: Finance for Non Financial Managers - which doesn't exactly fill my heart with joy. Accountancy taught by accountants. Yawn.

Which reminds we of a (fairly weak) gag: How can you tell if an accountant is an extrovert? (wait for it...) He stares at your shoes. Yes. Well. I did warn you it was weak. Maybe I'll make a good accountant after all.

Arsenal Car Park...
Arsenal have a new car park.
[Thanks Kevin]

The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy...
The radio series, that became a book, that became a TV series, has finally made it to the silver screen. The film version of the Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy is faithful to author Douglas Adams' legacy. The trouble is it's simply not especially funny. Shame.

Mostly harmless.

Error 404...
Do you ever get those annoying "error 404 page not found" errors? There are a few alternatives than the plain boring text - but beware, some can be downright rude.

69 Things Every Gay Man Should Know...
Oh, heaven save me. Someone seems to think I need dating help so sent me this Americanised cringe-worthy self-help advice for gay men. Shoot me. Someone. Please!

1- Paying for dinner doesn’t mean you’ve bought yourself some action in the sack. And just because he paid for dinner doesn’t mean you have to put out either… unless you really want to. - 2 - Never go to a movie on a first date. - 3 - Fresh breath is important, but never chew gum during a date. You’ll look like a cow. - 4 - If you spot a guy you like, don’t fix him with a fish-eye stare. Walk up and say “hello.” It’s better to give him the chance to show he’s disinterested rather than scaring him off because he thinks you’re a stalker. - 5 - Simultaneously be aware of people’s reputations, and yet understand that they are often undeserved. Avoiding a known “player” is good for those new to the scene, but as you grow more self-reliant, make your own assessments. - 6 - Never ask out the best friend, roommate and/or ex-lover of someone you have recently dated or are currently dating. Your reputation will be shot. - 7 - When you break up with someone, but you still want to hang out with him, do it in groups. And never hang out with him while you’re on a date with someone else. - 8 - Never go out with one guy, but go home with another. At least go through the motions of ending your first date. - 9 - Realize that the two of you won’t always agree on every subject. Just because you have an argument doesn’t mean the relationship is doomed to failure. There’s a big difference between arguing and fighting. - 10 - A double date does not mean asking out two guys at the same time. That is called a three-way. - 11 - Just because your boyfriend is out of town does not make it an “open relationship.” - 12 - Just because his boyfriend is out of town does not make it an “open relationship.” - 13 - If he says he’s in an open relationship, nine times out of ten, he’s lying. - 14 - No one is ever going to really leave their boyfriend for you. - 15 - Even the nicest guy has a sleazy side. - 16 - If his dick points up, suck him off 69-style. - 17 - Don’t lurk in the shadows to check out your blind date before you meet him. Be a man. Go up to him, shake his hand, and politely go through the motions. - 18 - If you don’t want to see him anymore after the first date, don’t say you’ll call him again. Instead, say “Thanks for a nice time. Have a good night.” If he asks you out again, say “No, but thank you for asking.” It’s easier than you think. - 19 - Never take a first date out with a group of your friends. He will feel excluded, and your friends will either embarrass you, try to marry the two of you, or flirt with him. - 20 - Don’t drag your friends into your dating traumas. Bouncing them back and forth between hating and accepting your partner will wear them out, and they may not be there later when you need support the most. - 21 - If you end up dating a guy you met in a bathhouse, online, or in the bushes, get your stories straight before introducing him to your family and friends. - 22 - Mr. Right could be anywhere. - 23 - Keep your word. Call when you say you are going to call. Show up when you say you are going to show up. Being “fashionably late” works only in Cukor movies. - 24 - Come out to everyone you can. Emotionally stable men are not closeted men. - 25 - Never assume. - 26 - Clean your place before a date as if he’s going to spend the night. - 27 - Spend more time grooming yourself before a date than you normally would. - 28 - Pay special attention to your shoes, fingernails and hair. - 29 - For god’s sake, wear clean underwear. Buy a new pack to be used only for special occasions. - 30 - Turn off the cell phone. If it rings, don’t answer it. Better yet, leave it at home. - 31 - Bring enough cash to cover dinner. There could be an unforeseen problem with your credit card. - 32 - First-date guys don’t want to hear about your crappy day. They want to hear how in control and confident you are. Save the bitch session for when you know each other better - maybe. - 33 - Think of stuff to talk about before he shows up. - 34 - “Erotica” is for snobs. It’s called pornography. Those in the porn biz are called performers, NEVER STARS - 35 - If you’re embarrassed about your porn collection, you aren’t ready to be having sex. - 36 - If he sneers at the very idea of pornography, he’s probably someone you don’t want to know. - 37 - On the other hand, some guys just don’t care for porn. Respect his preference. - 38 - Take a chance. It’s far better to be disappointed with how a situation turned out than to be disappointed in yourself for never trying. - 39 - Going to a karaoke bar for a date is problematic. On the one hand, you get to learn about each other’s taste in music, singing voice and poise in public. - 40 - Spend less time trying to meet Mr. Right and more time trying to be Mr. Right. - 41- If it really doesn’t work out with someone, forget about the “I just want to be friends” crap. It’s an insult to everyone’s intelligence. - 42 - Three dates does not make a boyfriend. - 43 - Learn to be happy alone. If you require constant companionship to be happy, you need a therapist, not a boyfriend. - 44 - Get over your gay guilt. If you can’t accept and value yourself for what you are, your dates will start to resemble binary black holes of emotional need. You can’t hate yourself and at the same time expect to find love. - 45 - Don’t date the straight. It seems sexy, it sounds glamorous, but just wait until you end up baby-sitting and changing diapers while he and his wife are on vacation. - 46 - Be less concerned with the length of man`s dick and more concerned with the strength of his spine. A strong backbone clearly separates the brain from the asshole. - 47 - If you’re interested in him, and don’t want to come on too strong, touching him gently on his shoulder or arm is the clearest signal you can send. - 48 - Some guys are simply jerks. There is no valid excuse for their actions, and there is no nice guy inside them screaming to get out. - 49 - Sometimes you will act like a jerk. When this happens, you have two choices: you can make excuses for your bad behavior, or you can be a man and apologize. Understand that he may not accept your apology. It’s more important that you made the effort. - 50 - Don’t assume he’s immature because he’s young. Don’t assume he’s emotionally mature because he’s older. - 51 - Self-effacement may indicate humility but a little of that goes a long way. Be self-confident and present yourself as attractive; just be able to laugh at yourself a little bit. - 52 - Self-confidence goes with anything. Everyone wants a self-confident man. - 53 - Newly-out men are not ready for a serious relationship. Remember how you felt when you came out? Were you ready for a serious commitment? He needs time to get used to the idea of being openly gay before he can commit, just like you did. - 54 - Read a book every so often. Go to comedy shows or plays. Pick up a magazine that you normally wouldn’t read. Don’t depend on small talk during a date—have a few conversation starters to maintain a comfortable flow. - 55 - Don’t monopolize the conversation, but also don’t depend on your date to carry the evening alone. Murmuring “uh-huh” periodically doesn’t make you a good listener. Take an active and supportive role in the exchange where you ask questions, respond with opinions and express interest. 56 - Interracial dating can carry the specter of feelings assumed or left unsaid. Get this out in the open as you become more comfortable with each other. Pay attention to what kinds of issues, ideas and jokes are trigger points for disagreement. Realize that the special understanding you develop with that particular person may not extend to everyone else. - 57 - Men are innately competitive. Be careful about trying to one-up each other. No one likes a guy who has always done something more exciting and been somewhere better. There are better uses for a mouth than bragging. - 58 - Don’t rate him solely based on a single date. Some men are more comfortable one-on-one, and clam up in a crowd. - 59 - Mr. Perfect is a myth. Mr. Perfect is a myth. Mr. Perfect is a myth. You will never find someone who satisfies all your criteria and who is flawless under any circumstance. If you believe you’re dating Mr. Perfect, you are either deceiving yourself or you are dangerously low in self-esteem. - 60 - A homosexual orientation is not an automatic indication of taste, class or intelligence. - 61 - Very good-looking men come with their own special set of problems and insecurities. Don’t assume he’s taken because he’s attractive. And don’t assume he’s a snob because he’s beautiful. - 62 - If he turns you down for a date, it doesn’t necessarily mean there’s something wrong with you. It could simply be he wasn’t interested. - 63 - Save the words “I love…” for people and pets. Loving everything is a sign of severe neediness. - 64 - If it’s over, it’s over. You can’t bargain your way out of being dumped. Although second chances sometimes work out for the best, third and fourth chances never do. Instead, try being alone for a while. - 65 - Just because he’s fantastic in bed does not necessarily mean he’s in love with you. - 66 - Stop assuming every guy you meet is a potential husband. This is a special brand of self-torture. Have your fantasies if you must, but let him be who he is, and give yourself a break. It’s not your fault if he isn’t Mr. Right. - 67 - No, all of the good men aren’t taken. Where have you been looking? - 68 - In a world full of guys, there are very few men. Learn to tell the difference and commit to being the better of the two. - 69 - You can`t really change anyone, and no one can really change you, but you can be deceived into believing both.

Minipoofs...
From the makers of Minipops we bring you... Minipoofs. Created for VH1's Big Gay May Day this coming Monday. How many can you get?
[Thanks Kevin]

Carlos Adolfo Dominguez's Boobies...
I want to go to the discoteque. To see boobies. Apparently. Joke? I think so.
[Thanks Rog]

Happy Birthday to David...
Happy Birthday to you
Happy Birthday to you
Happy Birthday, dear David
Happy Birthday to you

The Musical Box...
Last Saturday Paul and I went to the Royal Albert Hall to see a band called The Musical Box faithfully recreate a 1975 tour that Genesis did of their concept album The Lamb Lies Down On Broadway.

And what a show! Amazing music, fanatastic(al) costumes, great special effects and that sort of buzz you get from an audience of obsessive fans watching their dream concert.

The show was painstaking researched to be a note for note duplicate of the original 100 date world tour that ended shortly before the departure of Peter Gabriel from the band. In fact the show has been endorsed by Gabriel himself, Phil Collins, Tony Banks, Steve Hackett and Mike Rutherford.

TLLDOB was the final album of a very creative period for Genesis when they produced (to my mind) four fantatsic albums: Nursery Cryme, Foxtrot, Selling England By The Pound and The Lamb Lies Down On Broadway.

Let's Prog!

Tube Map 2016...
What will the London tube map look like in 2016? Well, here's the plan. I do like the idea of the East London Line being extended to Highbury & Islington though.

Sony PSP UK release slips to September...
Looks like the Sony PSP release date has slipped again. It's now coming 1st Septemeber.

The Germans...
Last night they had one of favourite Simpsons episode on Channel Four - Burns Verkaufen Der Kraftwerk. It's the one where Mr Burns sells the nuclear power plant to a German company only to buy it back later at half the price. During the rather one-sided buy-back negotiations Mr Burns comes out with... this amusing tirade.

Rent A German...
What else but... Rent A German.
You can select the German of your choice for an exclusive lifetime experience: Imagine to appear with your German at parties, family events, or just hang out with them at the local shopping center. No matter which occasion you choose, you will surely impress your environment by presenting an original German.

New Features For Google UK ...
Google have launched a couple of new features for the UK audience.

Firstly we have Google Maps UK which as well as letting you zero in on just about any part of the UK also allows you to do local searches for stuff within that mapped area. So you might home in on home, as it were, and then search for say, pizza or pub.

The other thing that Google has launched in the UK is the ability to Google search using SMS. What you do is:

1. Enter your query as a text message. See some sample queries.
2. Send the message to the shortcode 64664 (6GOOG on most phones).
3. Receive a text message (or messages) with your results, usually within a minute. Results may be labeled as "1/3", "2/3", etc.
4. To get Google SMS help info sent directly to your phone, text 'help' to 64664.

I've tried it only once but it does seem to work quite well.

Should the Tube run later?...
The proposal would see last trains leaving central London around 1.30am rather than the current 12.30am. In order to maintain the Tube’s engineering hours, essential for safety checks and maintenance, the Tube would also start an hour later on Saturday and Sunday mornings. The last chance to have your say is today.

Pills, Pills, Pills...
I'm not in work today - it happens to be my day off. So I'm having a lie-in watching the news and necking pills down like there's no tomorrow. So far I've wolfed down 1 x Zinc, 1 x Cod Liver Oil, 1 x St John's Wort, 1 x Amoxycillin and 3 x Nurofen. Needless to say I'm rattling like a tic-tac box.

Islington's Technology Mile...
I was walking down Upper Street last night and hey presto! my phone beeped with a new Wi-Fi (802.11b) internet access connection. It's called StreetNet and it's free! Dontcha just love Islington Council? They're calling it the 'Technology Mile'. The biggest free Wi-Fi network in the UK. Despite not being offically launched until Tuesday - it's being widely reported. And here. And indeed here. Now I know where my council tax is going!

Medical Advice...
For those of you with a nervous disposition please look away now.

I've got a chest infection. How do I know? Well, maybe it's the wheezing and coughing that kept me awake all night. Maybe it's tightening of the chest and the difficulty in breathing that every few minutes erupts into spluttering fits. Or maybe it's the large green chunks of phlegm that I've been coughing up. (Sorry for that mental image, I did warn you!)

So what am I to do? I normally seek some sort of advice from friends or family because I'm not a very good decision maker when ill. I normally just end up feeling sorry for myself rather than actually doing something about it.

So let's talk options people:
- Go home from work early and go to bed (yes I did come in)?
- Try and see a doctor (probably won't be able to see me in a while so what's the point)?
- Grin and bear it because if I ignore it it'll clear up all by itself eventually?

UPDATE: Booked appointment at doctor (amazingly I got an appointment just 1 hour after I called so been and come back now) I'm now the proud owner of 21 x Amoxycillin capsules 500mg - amazingly it DOESNT say avoid alcohol. Yay!

Book Of The Year...
Ian'll be pleased. His favourite book won. Not.

Happy = healthy: It's official...
It may seem pretty obvious, but scientists have confirmed that happy, smiley people are generally healthier and less at risk from dropping down dead than their miserable counterparts.

Sony PSP UK release slips to August?...
Amazon.co.uk still lists the UK debut of the Sony PlayStation as 24 June 2005, but that date was called into question today. If High Street retailer Dixons' PSP pre-order service is anything to go by, the eagerly anticipated handheld console will not appear here until August. The Dixons service, launched today, is offering up to two PSPs per person for £179 each. The pre-order page on the company's web site lists 1 August 2005 as the "estimated" release date.

All About My Mother..
This just in from the lovely Darren:

FORGET ACORN ANTIQUES!! CHECK THIS OUT! ALL ABOUT MY MOTHER

Creative Archive Licence...
The Creative Archive Licence has moved a step closer with the official launching of the scheme. The idea behind the Creative Archive will be to allow free access to thousands of clips from public service radio and TV programmes via the internet. The stated aim is that "the public will be able to 'own' a copy of the clips and use them for their own creations".

The Creative Archive Licence rules:
- No commercial use
- Share alike
- Give Credit
- No endorsement
- UK only

So far the backers are: BBC, Channel 4, British Film Institute and Open University. It remains to be seen whether there will be actually anything worth having through the scheme but I think it's a step in the right direction.

Top Of The Pops...
So the new download-friendly Official Singles Chart is upon us: not only shop sales but internet downloads are included in the chart from last week.

This of course distorts the shop-only chart a bit. Well, in some cases, a lot.

According to the BBC: The biggest winners were Damon Albarn's cartoon dance group Gorillaz, whose song Feel Good Inc shot up 175 places thanks to download sales. BBC Radio 1 chart hosts JK and Joel said the group used "guerrilla tactics" to boost their position. "Gorillaz have exploited a loophole in the new chart rules that says as long as you physically release a single in the shop, your download will count towards your chart position," they said. Gorillaz released a limited edition of just 300 copies of Feel Good Inc to shops. Feel Good Inc is at 22, compared with 197 in the shop-only chart.

I'm not complaining mind you. I like the Gorillaz. But what if it'd been Crazy Frog or worse?

Kath and Kim are on the Beeb...
Kath and Kim are finally, finally, finally making it onto the Beeb. BBC2 will be airing the first episode on Thursday 12th May at 10pm. Yay! Get you rack-off lamb ready, hornbags!
[Thanks Jennifer]

Worst film, ever!...
What is the worst film you have ever seen? I bet there's some tough competition for that particular prize, huh? Well, I have another candidate for you.

Last night Paul and I thought we'd go and a see a 'cheer ourselves up film' at the local Vue. We fancied a fell-good film. A comedy. But what to see? We plumped for something with a bit of a pedigree. We'd secretly liked the first one. Maybe the sequel would bring a giggle and a laugh. You can't go wrong with sequels, right? They stick to the same formula. But what's wrong with that? You know what you're getting. At least we wouldn't be wasting out money.

How wrong we were.

Miss Congeniality 2: Armed and Fabulous was the worst film I have ever seen.

Unlike the first one is was an utter, utter turkey. Trade description's should be called: nothing in the title was correct! It was certainly a miss, rarely congenial, barely armed and never fabulous. Worst of all it committed the gravest sin of any comedy. It just wasn't funny. 115 minutes of painful product placing torture.

My three word review: Avoid, avoid, avoid.

Lazy Searching...
Try some lazy searching at Yagoohoogle.

Coldplay X&Y...
On 6th June Coldplay will release their third studio album, X&Y. To help the hype marketing campaign on the album's front cover will feature colour-coded blocks which combine to reveal a secret code in the hopes that it will pique the interest of fans all over the world as they try to find the hidden meaning behind the eye-catching design. Any ideas anyone?

Kath and Kim are Toast...
Kath and Kim stars Jane Turner and Gina Riley are coming to London. Yay! They'll be appearing at the Toast Australia event on Clapham Common on 12th June 2005.

Broadband for under a tenner at UK Online...
UK Online has slashed the cost of its unbundled broadband service. It's offering an entry-level 512k service for just £9.99 (compared to £19.99 a month for the same speed via BT) because it's using a cheaper alternative to BT Wholesale (which provides the vast majority of DSL in the UK). Its also has a 2Mb service that costs just £19.99 a month (compared to £29.99 a month via BT) and its 8Mb service is now only £29.99 a month. BT has yet to launch an 8Mb service.

At home I currently have a couple of broadband service contracts - a 512k ADSL one from Demon which I've had since the earliest trials in the UK and a more recent Bulldog SDSL 2Mb line that gets used as my main channel to and from the wibbly-wide-web. I'm now seriously thinking of ditching both to get a UK Online 8Mb one.

Bluetooth Personal Wine Management System...
Prize for most useful (?) Bluetooth gadget of the week must go to this little hoo-ha.

Ever felt you've just got so much wine you can't keep track of it all? No? You mean you dink it straight away? Well if you don't and you do happen to feel intimidated by the sheer volume of high-priced booze in your cellar / cupboard / box in the corner, then the Intelliscanner Wine Collector it just what you need. It provides a wireless solution via Bluetooth. By connecting to an Internet database of barcodes, the Intelliscanner will provide all the important information a wine buff might need, such as the name, region, winery, variety, type, age, and colour (although if you didn't already know that...) Perhaps the £160 it costs for the Bluetooth version would be better spent buying even more wine and all other information could be garnered by, oh say, drinking the stuff; although there is a wired compromise which costs a lot less at £100.

The Five Stages Of Grief...
Mark and I have split after 13 years together. I don't intend to write much about it but thought you'd better know. It's not a secret.

Elisabeth Kübler-Ross was a pioneering author of On Death and Dying and many other books. During her work with terminally ill patients in the 1960's, she identified the now-famous five stages of grief. These five stages have since been applied to a number of other situations that involve bad news including job loss, medical diagnosis and the end of long-term personal relationships.

Stage 1 - Denial/Fear

Stage 2 - Anger

Stage 3 - Bargaining

Stage 4 - Depression

Stage 5 - Acceptance

All complete mumbo jumbo, of course. Never heard such rot.

That'll be Stage 1 then.

Oz Pictures...

[Click for bigger version]

Brain Teasers : The Answers...

1. If there are 173 entrants there are 172 losers. Each loser only loses once - the answer is therefore 172!

2. Silence

Small world...
Well, knock me down with a feather boa. Scissor Sisters' keyboard player, JJ Garden, is Graeme Garden's son. Yes, that Graeme Garden - the one from The Goodies. Small world, huh?
(That's JJ in the background below)

Brain Teasers...

1. You are organising a singles tennis knockout tournament in which there are 173 entrants. How can you simply calculate the number of matches you will need to arrange in total, counting every round?

2. What do you break by saying its name?

Pope Idol...

Lucky Engineer...

Bigger Gmail...
Google is doubling the size of mailboxes for its email subscribers to try and regain the initiative against Yahoo - which announced last week it is matching Google's 1GB storage shortly.

Google's email subscribers will now get 2GB free storage and the firm will continue to add more capacity over time apparently. Cool.

Ceefax TV...
Ceefax is the BBC's teletext service. And Ceefax.tv lets you search the pages from the Interweb. Cool. Not that the BBC is particularly happy about it though...

Soft Sell...
Yay! Soft Cell are doing a gig at the Shepherds Bush Empire in July!



Only they're not.

Theatre Of Marc Almond: "It has come to our attention that tickets are on sale for a Soft Cell concert at Shepherds Bush Empire on 21 July. This concert is NOT happening. As Marc is still recovering from his injuries he can only return to performing when his doctors give him the all clear. Marc's management agreed to the show in principal and would suggest it to Marc depending on his doctors reports. As Marc has not recovered enough he is unable to return to performing for the foreseeable future and will be unable to take on a Soft Cell style show for at least 18 months. The show was shelved and no contracts have been signed but the ticket agencies have decided to sell tickets anyway. If you have already brought tickets please get a refund as they have been sold under false pretences."

TicketWeb: "TicketWeb regrets to announce that due to unforeseen circumstances the Soft Cell gig scheduled for Shepherds Bush Empire on 21st July 2005 has been cancelled. TicketWeb apologises for any inconvenience caused."

Make Poverty History...
You may have noticed my Make Poverty History armband.
[Thanks Bryan]

Brain Teasers : The Answers...

1. Orange, Purple and Month (but it sounds like you guys are coming up with some others too!)

2. 3.25 gallons

Listen Again...
The BBC Radio Player (radio on demand) was launched back in January of this year and has become wildly successful. It allows you to listen to BBC Radio programs live or indeed anytime up to a week after initial broadcast. It'll be the forerunner to the BBC Internet Player and the Creative Archive which will allow us to time-shifted TV and archive TV.

The current Top 10 Online BBC Radio Shows are:
01 The Archers (Radio 4)
02 Chris Moyles (Radio 1)
03 Essential Mix (Radio 1)
04 The Essential Selection (Radio 1)
05 Dance Anthems (Radio 1)
06 Official Chart Show (Radio 1)
07 Just A Minute (Radio 4)
08 The News Quiz (Radio 4)
09 Zane Lowe (Radio 1)
10 Jonathan Ross (Radio 2)

Brain Teasers...

1. What are the three words in the dictionary that have no rhymes?
(If you can think of others please let me know)

2. A car travels at a distance of 100 miles at a speed of 65 mph. It covers 25 miles per gallon, and has a total tank capacity of 9 gallons. However, sod's law strikes, and the petrol tank has sprung a leak. It was full when the car set off, but is empty when the car reaches its destination. How much fuel has it lost per hour?

Doctor Who a hit and quits...
With a little under 10 million viewers the new Doctor has been a success. So the BBC has commissioned another season and a Christmas special. Yay!

But not with Christopher Eccleston who fears being typecast. I see.

Civil Partnership...
The UK Civil Partnership legislation was passed by the Government last November and will come into force later this year - on 5th December 2005 to be exact. That is to say the first date for registering at the Registrars' offices is 5th December 2005 and the first ceremonies will start on the 21st December 2005. Brighton is hoping to be the first with three planned for just after midnight on that day.

Key Points for couples are:
- Must be of the same sex.
- Must not be married or already a civil partner.
- Not under 16.
- Parental consent is needed if under 18.
- Must give notice of proposed civil partnership to the Registration authority.
- Must have resided in England and Wales for at least 7 days before giving notice.
- Notification must include a declaration as stated in the Act.

The Chemical Brothers - Believe...
The Chemical Brothers' new single 'Believe' is released on 18th April but over the weekend we saw the amazing video. OMG. Incredible! Car construction robots on the loose! Dom and Nic have pulled off another winner.

The Kath And Kim Drinking Game...
I wrote this a couple of years ago so it mainly refers to season one of Kath and Kim. I gave a copy to Gina Riley last year and she found it very funny.
The Kath And Kim Drinking Game (Acrobat format).

New Doctor Who : Episode One: Rose...
So how was it? The first new Doctor Who television episode for 16 years (not counting that American funded telemovie with Paul Gann in 1996)? Was it any good? Did it break all the rules? Were there gay Daleks? Was it too jokey? Too self-referential? Too cheap? Wobbly sets? Wobblier acting? Was it even worthy of it's own heritage?

Well, the die-hard fans (which I count myself among) needn't have worried. It was magnificent. The plot was clever. It looked good. The special effects were spot on. The music was fantastic.

I was a tad worried that the new series might be an over-hyped damp squib. All that build up. How could it live up to such pre-publicity? How wrong I was - absolutely superb - witty, funny, scary, and finally the visual effects have caught up with the writer's intentions and viewers' imaginations. A perfect blend of old and new styles and elements. It deserves to achieve a massive success and whole new generations of fans.

Billie Piper was great as the side-kick (best since Sarh-Jane?), and Chris Eccleston was excellent at the Doctor. He's an actor. A proper actor; with just the right amount of quirkiness (Patrick Troughton), enthusiasm (Peter Davidson), action-heroism (Jon Pertwee) and, of course, that winning smile (Tom Baker).

Best bit: the visual gag with the Doctor and the London Eye

Best line: "Every planet has a North".

Minor quibble #1: the 45-minute running time with no cliffhangers

Minor quibble #2: that wheelie-bin burp

Cock up: Graham Norton's impromptu audio cameo from the Strictly Dance Fever set when the Autons were after Rose. Can we expect him every week, Auntie Beeb?

Roll on episode two!

Doctor Who...
The invasion begins: 2 days 10 hours 25 minutes 15 seconds

Can't wait.

Retro Bar Teasers Pop Quiz : The Answers...
01. Mick Jagger
02. Peter Sarstedt
03. David Bowie
04. Lou Reed
05. Steve Harley
06. Errol Brown
07. Billy MacKenzie
08. Marc Almond
09. Terry Hall
10. Gary Barlow, Robbie Williams, Mark Owen, Jason Orange, Howard Donald
11. Bryan, Kian, Mark, Nicky, Shane
12. Ronan Keating, Mikey Graham, Stephen Gately, Shane Lynch, Keith Duffy
13. Will Young
14. Andreas Johnson
15. Freddie Mercury, Bryan May, John Deacon, Roger Taylor
16. Tony Christie & (Is This The Way To) Amarillo?
17. Switch
18. Andy Bell
19. Vince Clarke
20. Jeff Buckley

Retro Bar Teasers Pop Quiz...
Last night Paul suggested we go to the Retro Bar Teasers Pop Quiz. Great idea! Regular readers will know that we used to love going there in years gone by and last night was no exception. We skipped supper and met up at 7pm to get warmed up (hic!); the quiz didn't actually kick off until 9:30pm.

As happenstance would sometimes have it I got a call from Drew saying he was meeting the lovely James in the Retro Bar too so we thought we'd make a team of it. (In fact Drew and James sloped off for eats before the quiz began returning for just the last 30 seconds!)

The quiz was based around male lead vocalists. Wendy would play the song and we'd have to say who the lead vocalist was. Easy, huh? We got thirteen and a half - the winners got all twenty.

Why not give it a go?

01. Who's lead vocalist on 60's track "Mothers Little Helper"?
02. Who's lead vocalist on 60's track "Where Do You Go To My Lovely?"?
03. Who's lead vocalist on 60's track "The Laughing Gnome"?
04. Who's lead vocalist on 70's track "New York Telephone Conversation"?
05. Who's lead vocalist on 70's track "Judie Teen"?
06. Who's lead vocalist on 70's track "You Sexy Thing"?
07. Who's lead vocalist on 80's track "Party Fears Two"?
08. Who's lead vocalist on 80's track "A Lover Spurned"?
09. Who's lead vocalist on 80's track "Thinking Of You"? (Clue: The Colourfield)
10. Can you name all the members of Take That (first and family names)?
11. Can you name all the members of Westlife (first names)?
12. Can you name all the members of Boyzone (first and family names)?
13. Who's lead vocalist on 00's track "Your Game"?
14. Who's lead vocalist on 00's track "Glorious"? (Clue: Here she comes with a master plan And I’m starting to lose control)
15. We got played G4's Bohemian Rhapsody but... can you name all the members of Queen (first and family names)?
16. Who's lead vocalist on the current No. 1 single new release "Amarillo" and what is the exact title including brackets?
17. What is Will Smith's new single called?
18. Who's lead vocalist on new release "Don't Say You Love Me"?
19. Who's his trusty side-kick?
20. Currently with an exhibition on in London, who was cut short in his prime and sang "Grace"?

Gay Gaelics Say Practice Makes Perfect...
I read that the Scottish Epicopal Church (that's Scottish Anglicans to you and me) are saying "being a practising homosexual is not a bar to a person becoming a priest".

Further the Scottish bishops said, "We are conscious that as a church we are much indebted in our life both to a significant presence of persons of homosexual orientation, and also those whose theology and stance would be critical of attitudes to sexuality other than abstinence outside marriage. We rejoice in both."

So you guys want to have it both ways, huh? It's OK to be a bender, correction: a practising bender and it's also OK to be a bigot. I see.

Our Computers Are Down...

[Thanks Lorayne]

Tony Christie tops singles chart...
Well, it had to happen. Tony Christie's Is This The Way To Amarillo is number one in the singles chart after being re-released by comedian Peter Kay. All in the name of charity of course. Has anyone seen the video? Apparently it shows Kay miming the track alongside 'stars' including Michael Parkinson, Jimmy Savile and Ronnie Corbett. Good on him.

Room With A View?
The Hyde Park Plaza, Sydney is a shitty hotel in that they repeatedly screwed us over royally with our room bookings on the three occasions we were there over the last month: bookings we had made six months earlier - and had written confirmation of. First they claimed we hadn'?t made a booking (we had), then that we were quoted the wrong room rate (we weren?'t) and finally that they were full (?"don'?t you realise Neil Diamond is in town?"?). Grrr! Not staying there again.

If however you do want to stay there for Mardi Gras I can recommend the following rooms for their panoramic view of the parade (in descending order of fabulousness):
409, 509, 609, 709, 809, 905, 1005, 1105, 1205, 1305, 1405 & 1505.

Rag and Bone...
My partner, Mark, recently threw out a t-shirt I have worn regularly for 20 years. Is that a record?

Brain Teasers: The Answers...

1. The answer is BANANA. You get it by removing the letters SIXLETTERS from the sequence.

2. Neither hit the ground; I was over the sea!

Brain Teasers...

1. Cross out six letters from the following sequence so that the remaining letters, without altering their sequence, spell a well known word:

B S I A N X L A E T N T A E R S

2. In a balloon stationary off the coast of Ireland, I dropped two bottles off the side. If one was full and the other empty, which hit the ground first?

Oh Laurie...

Laurie Anderson - The End of the Moon

18 - 21 May 2005 7.45pm Barbican Theatre
90 mins / no interval
£10 £12 £16 £21 £28 £35 + Superseat (Pay £5 more for a Superseat)

Bite 05:
Conceived and performed by Laurie Anderson
Who taught you what beauty is?
After the success of Happiness during BITE:03, master storyteller Laurie Anderson returns with The End of the Moon, the second in her trilogy of solo works. Part travelogue, part personal theories and dreams, Anderson weaves narrative and music; painting an expansive but deeply intimate picture of American culture. Drawing on her recent research and travels with NASA, The End of the Moon explores the tangled relationships between war, consumerism and spirituality.
"She's a master storyteller who uses the microphone as an instrument of intimacy, conspiracy and seduction." (The Chicago Tribune)

Book a celebrity...
From £300-£5000 you can have dinner with a 'celebrity' of your choice. I like the idea that "Limahl will talk extensively about his experiences in the music industry and perform many of hit hits in a karaoke style. He will also take part in after dinner party games." Bless.

Since You've Been Gone...
So what's been happening in good old Blighty for the last four weeks or so since I've been away? Any major news stories, celebrity gossip, scandal, fun things I should know about?

Back In The Saddle...
Good to be back in the saddle. Did I say saddle? I meant harness.

Back in the UK...
We landed in Heathrow at 4:30am this morning (were we allowed to do that?) and since getting home to Highbury have been doing all those boring things like catching up with washing (3 loads so far), voicemail messages (12), home e-mails (234) and work e-mails (457). It's sad how quickly you forget your holiday and start to get back into 'work' mode.

I'm staring at the large jar of Vegemite I picked up yesterday and also at the MMS I just received of Steve at the beach in Sydney and wishing I was back there. Ho hum.

New Zealand...
It's been a fun packed week in New Zealand. Unfortunately I've been ill for most of it though.

Tuesday we arrived in Auckland and met with my Mum and Dad for cocktails on the 50th floor of the Skytower. Later we met Alan (Rich's ex) and Paul for dinner and drinks at Hydrant (the old firestation). Cute men, the both.

Wednesday we drove to Rotorua where we spent the night. Rotorua STINKS as it's full of hot water springs, bubbling mud pools and sulphur lakes. We both had a lovely mud bath - but regretted it soon afterwards. It turns your skin green and even days later you stink of rotten eggs. Beautiful town though.

Thursday we drove to Wellington and checked into the Inter-Continental (believe me, we needed the comfort). Friday I was feeling pretty ill so stayed in bed all day but was well enough to meet the lovely Dave and my parents for dinner. Later on Dave, Marky and I went to the rather dire Sovereign Bar (a.k.a. Pound) for some more beers before turning in early.

Today we're returning to Sydney for one last night and then flying back home to Blighty on Sunday, arriving first thing Monday morning. Jet-lag here we come. It'll be nice to be back home though.

Mardi Gras Parade and Party…
On Saturday the Lesbian, Gay, Transsexual, Queer and Transgender Mardi Gras Parade (to give it its full title) was great fun. It lasted about 90 minutes and we got a bird’s eye view from our hotel room balcony. According to Channel 9 News 500,000 people watched 180 floats and 6,000 people took part. There were lots of comedic themed floats (Freddy Mercury with a Hoover, The Nanny, Little Britain), political floats (Greens, Democrats) and issue based floats (gay marriage, health).

After the parade we made our way up to Fox Studios for the LGTQT MG Party. The place was packed and it seemed half the world was there.

Party On…
The MG Party itself ran from 10pm Sat to 10am Sun. This was followed by Toybox at Luna Park Funfair from 10am Sun to 8pm Sun. Time for a short break before Indulgence (the leather party at The Shift) from 9:30pm Sun to 6am Mon. This immediately proceeded by Crash from 6am Mon to 2pm Mon.

Oh, believe me, I gave out long before the end.

Paying The Piper…
I spent almost the entire of Monday in bed feeling like shit. Think I have a cold. Well, if it’s not a cold it’s something. D’oh! Needed rest though - off to Auckland, NZ tomorrow.

Jonathan’s Day Off…
Friday was my day off. I had a really nice brunch with the boys – sat on the roof of our building in the sunshine with a beer, read my trashy book and watched lots of eye-candy in the pool and jacuzzi. A 'me' day. Lovely.

In the evening Frank had arranged dinner for us all at The Tilbury Hotel down in Wooloomooloo. Andy, Wiener, Frank, Graham, Steve, Mark and I enjoyed a very pleasant evening of fine dining.

Later on we all piled up to The Oxford for a few beers and some crowd watching. Sydney by this time is heaving with people. Mardi Gras proper starts tomorrow.

We had a earlyish night. Ish.

Blood On The Dance Floor…
Ok, the something that happened at The Shift was I got a little cut. I was dancing away and I got grabbed by someone and their ring cut me. It was a really little cut but there was some blood. Actually quite a lot of blood – and before I knew it, it was all over my hands and underwear. Funny how things like nose bleeds and cut lips seem to gush endlessly – must be all those blood vessels. Anyway I wasn’t seriously hurt; there was just a lot of the old red stuff. And seeing a man running to the coat check with a large patch of blood on his underwear and bloodied hands must have freaked out most punters – the sea of people parted pretty damned quick I can tell you.

So once home I went to bathe and the next day Mark accompanied me to A&E just in case. I was seen quite quickly - the doctor there was fine about it. Just take it easy for the next week or so – your cut will heal all by itself just fine. It was a shame it happened when it did because we had planned a trip over to Manly.

In the evening Steve cooked us a magnificent roast lamb dinner and we watched some Little Britain (we explained the more obscure references to Steve) and Kath & Kim (he explained the more obscure ones to us). We finished the evening off with a trip to Manacle where we met up with all the UK boys again.

The Trail Of The Lonesome Pine…
Another day, another trip: this time Steve drove us three out to the Blue Mountains. It was an easy drive and we chatted on the way – funny how similar people are the world over: (to take a random selection of topics) everybody loves/lusts after firemen, healthcare systems work pretty much the same, and nobody likes speed cameras.

The Blue Mountains were really very beautiful, especially the Three Sisters (three large outcroppings).

Back into town Marky and I journeyed over to Newtown to meet Davie and Craig in the Newtown Hotel for a beer or three and then some eats at Twelve (just down the road). It was great to catch up with Davie and also get to know Craig a little bit better. Such nice guys. Sounds like they are pretty much getting things sorted house-wise, job-wise and are obviously very much in love – they couldn’t keep their hands off each other! Bless.

Hot-footing it from Newtown back to Oxford Street we met up with the boys (including Steve and Frank) again and before long I found myself at an underbear party in The Shift – yes, you read that right underBEAR party. The place was packed with lots of large (for ‘large’ read ‘very large’) hairy men in their underwear. It was all strangely non-sexual really but heaps of fun. We danced the night away together.

Until something happened…

Shop Till You Drop / Life’s a Beach / Party Till You Drop…
As Mark has been going to the gym most mornings Graham and I thought we’d do a bit of shopping. I say ‘a bit’ – I actually bought some t-shirts, a Polo cap and various items of underwear. We walked all over Sydney’s lovely downtown shopping district and stopped occasionally for beers and / or coffees.

In the afternoon the lovely Steve drove Mark, Graham and me to the beach. The beach was called La Peruse – and we did. Now how can I describe La Peruse? Well, it is not exclusively a gay beach (we did see ONE straight couple) and not exclusively a nudist beach (we did see one person was wearing flip-flops) - but you get the idea: it’s pretty much a gay nudist beach. We roasted just nicely in the sun.

Back home to shower and change we then met up with Tim, Andy, Andy, Kevin, Michael, Andy, Stuart in The Colombian before we all hiked went to Tim and Ross’s party ‘just around the corner’. The boys party was packed with delightful Aussies and some Brits – we power mingled our way through just about everybody and had a simple smashing time. Mark bailed on us quite early leaving the rest of us to pop into Manacle (Baracle?) for a quick one or two on the way home. Naturally it was straight home to bed afterwards.