5. I've had sex at the Vatican - TRUE…
On a bus in fact. In 1982 my then girlfriend, Anne, and I were touring Europe – thirteen major cities in twenty-eight days. We were getting on OK but the sex had fizzled out towards the end of the trip. Anne was at a loss to explain this and blamed herself. I was quick to reassure her that it was ‘me’ not ‘her’. I think she understood. We were on the final leg of the trip in Italy and had been really looking forward to seeing Rome. We’d done the Spanish Steps, the Coliseum and various modern art museums on our first day and saved our Vatican trip for our last day. It was a hot day but inevitably we had to wear long trousers and long sleeved shirts so as not to offend anyone when we toured the Vatican. We walked around for hours taking photos and marvelling at the fantastic paintings and architecture. Our legs were beginning to ache so we decided to call it a day. We found a bus standing behind the Vatican in the shade that we hoped would take us to the central station. The sign said it would anyway. It was an old coach-type bus with firm seats and smaller windows and steel luggage racks. We spread ourselves out across the back seat - hot and exhausted. Strangely the bus was completely empty. Maybe everyone knew something we didn’t. We were just glad of the shade and somewhere to sit though. Anne decided to go looking for some bottled water and so left me on the bus to look after the stuff. After a while the bus rocked a bit as a man climbed up the steps. I thought it might be the driver at last. He was wearing a white shirt and tie, loose fitting trousers and open toed sandals. A bit strange for a driver I thought. He looked at me down the length of the bus and then got off again. Odd I thought. A minute or two later the bus rocked again as he got back aboard. He walked the entire length of the bus and stood in front of me gazing out of the back windows over my head. Bizarrely he started reading a newspaper so I could no longer see his face. This is surreal, I thought. I’m here at the Vatican, my girlfriend is somewhere nearby and I’m staring at a man barely twelve inches away from me on an empty bus. I should have known what was going on but I was so naive at twenty. He started to get a bulge in his trousers. And I just couldn’t stop staring. He didn’t move. The bulge just got bigger and bigger. He swayed his hips slightly to be a bit nearer to me and I moved slightly in my seat. I was getting a hard-on too. I looked about and luckily there was no-one else even near the bus. My mysterious man then moved his hips forward and pushed his stiffened crotch against my knee and started rubbing gently against me. It what seemed like an instant I had slipped onto the floor and he was lying on top of me. The bus must have rocked quite a bit for a short while. Five minutes later I was searching for tissues in my rucksack and he was walking away across the square. When Anne came back she said that she’d discovered that this was the wrong bus anyway. We got off. I still remember that bus like it was yesterday.
Other strange places I’ve had sex:-
- on the northbound Victoria line tube platform at Vauxhall with someone standing guard
- in the Savoy restaurant