When School Kids Make Flash Movies...
So this teacher says to his class of young kids in their IT lesson on Flash, "I want you to make a Flash music video as your homework. Nothing elaborate. Keep it simple." Well, Mr. Moyers of Notre Dame Catholic High School in Fairfield Connecticut USA, as this movie shows I think you have a little star in your class there.

Townies vs. Skaters...
In my nephew's school in Hitchin, Hertfordshire you're either a townie or a skater. Woe betide you if you aren't one or the other. Or, worse still, wear the wrong shoes for your gang. You get punched. No question. Not exactly Jets and Sharks or Mods and Rockers but you see where they're going with this. It's tribalism.

Skaters are perhaps easier to define: that baggy clothing, skate-boarding, Avril Levine kind of a look. Slightly rockier pop music but all basically chart based like Busted.

But Townies are, for me, a more interesting phenomenon. Coincidentally earlier this week Guy sent me a link to a townie hating web site. (a townie is more widely known as chava or scally in some circles).

townie, charver, chava, charva n. 'What a Townie'; 'He's a right little Charva'. Used to describe group of youths usually described as 'kappa slappers' else where. Townies typically wear things like Kappa tracksuits and Berghaus jackets, smoke Lambert and Butler cigarettes amongst other things, have hooped gold earrings, spit constantly and wear at least one gold sovereign ring (a gold band attached to the bottom of a gold sovereign coin) on each hand. Most people seem to grow out of 'charvadom' by their early twenties, although may still carry a few of the habits through to later life and will by then probably drive a souped-up XR2I, with blacked-out rear windows and a 5000 watt stereo system. Another trait common to the charva is a loud, slightly sarcastic, nasal laugh and slow 'can't really be bothered to talk' speech. Typical slang words that Charvas use are 'belta', 'mint' and 'waxa' all meaning good or great, with the prefix of 'pure' or 'total' this would mean really good. The word charva has been in common use in the North East since the mid-nineties. The term townie gets used down South.

The Brits 2004 Winners...
Below is a list of the winners (and the also-rans) for the 2004 Brit Awards last night. It was fun to watch it on TV albeit a little predictable outcomewise. Were there any real surprises?

I have one other question too. What exactly is a 'breakthrough artist'? Is that what used to be called a 'new-comer'?

(As a footnote, apparently model Naomi Campbell - who was supposed to present the British rock prize - didn't show because she was late for the three-hour ceremony, which began at 17:20. Silly cow.)

For each category the winners are in bold:

British Male Solo Artist
Badly Drawn Boy Twisted Nerve/XL/Beggars
Daniel Bedingfield Polydor/Universal
David Bowie Columbia/Sony
Dizzee Rascal XL/Beggars Group
Will Young S/BMG

British Female Solo Artist
Sophie Ellis-Bextor Polydor/Universal Music
Dido Cheeky/BMG
Jamelia Parlophone/EMI
Annie Lennox RCA/BMG
Amy Winehouse Island/Universal Music

MasterCard British Album
Daniel Bedingfield: Gotta Get Thru This Polydor/Universal Music
Blur: Think Tank Parlophone/EMI Music
Coral: Magic and Medicine Deltasonic/Sony
Darkness: Permission to Land Must Destroy/Warner Music
Dido: Life For Rent Cheeky/BMG

British Group
Busted Universal/Universal Music
Coral Deltasonic/Sony
Darkness Must Destroy/Warner Music
Radiohead Parlophone/EMI
Sugababes Island/Universal Music

British Single
Dido: White Flag Cheeky/BMG
Gareth Gates feat. the Kumars: Spirit in the Sky S/BMG
Jamelia: Superstar Parlophone/EMI
Mis-Teeq: Scandalous Telstar/Telstar
Rachel Stevens: Sweet Dreams My LA Ex Polydor/Universal

British Rock Act
Darkness Must Destroy/Warner Music
Feeder Echo/Chrysalis Group
Muse Taste Media Ltd/East West/Warner Music
Primal Scream Columbia/Sony Music
Stereophonics V2/V2 Music

British Urban Act
Lemar Sony Music/Sony Music
Big Brovaz Epic/Sony Music
Mis-Teeq Telstar/Telstar
Dizzee Rascal XL Recordings/Beggars Group
Amy Winehouse Island/Universal Music

British Dance Act
Basement Jaxx XL/Beggars Group
Goldfrapp Mute/EMI Music
Groove Armada Pepper/Zomba
Kosheen Arista/BMG
Lemon Jelly Impotent Fury/Beggars Group

British Breakthrough Artist
Busted Universal/Universal Music
Jamie Cullum UCJ/Universal Music
Darkness Must Destroy/Warner Music
Lemar Sony Music/Sony Music
Dizzee Rascal XL Recordings/Beggars Group

Pop Act
Christina Aguilera RCA/BMG
Daniel Bedingfield Polydor/Universal
Black Eyed Peas A&M/Universal Music
Busted Universal/Universal Music
Justin Timberlake Jive/Zomba

International Male Solo Artist
Beck Geffen/Universal Music
50 Cent Interscope/Universal Music
Sean Paul Atlantic/VP/Warner Music
Damien Rice 14th Floor/Warner Music
Justin Timberlake Jive/Zomba

International Female Solo Artist
Christina Aguilera RCA/BMG
Beyonce Columbia/Sony Music
Missy Elliott Elektra/Warner Music
Alicia Keys J/RCA/BMG
Kylie Minogue Parlophone/EMI Music

International Album
Christina Aguilera: Stripped RCA/BMG
Beyonce: Dangerously in Love Columbia/Sony Music
OutKast: Speakerboxxx/The Love Below Arista/BMG
Justin Timberlake: Justified Jive/Zomba
White Stripes: Elephant XL Recordings/Beggars Group

International Group
Black Eyed Peas A&M/Universal Music
Kings of Leon Hand Me Down/BMG
OutKast Arista/BMG
Strokes Rough Trade/Sanctuary
White Stripes XL Recordings/Beggars Group

International Breakthrough Artist
50 Cent Interscope/Universal Music
Evanescence Epic/Sony Music
Kings of Leon Hand Me Down/BMG
Sean Paul Atlantic/VP/Warner Music
Thrills Virgin/EMI Music

Outstanding Contribution To Music
Duran Duran

Sad news...
My grandmother died this morning. She was ninety-six. She'd had a good innings but it's odd, no matter how much you're prepared for such things, it always comes as a shock.

Auntie Kath was actually my step-grandmother. My mother's mother died not long after I was born quite suddenly and so I barely knew her. Auntie Kath married my grandfather fairly soon after for the family's sake as much as anything else. It can't have been easy taking on such a large family but she did it, to my eyes at least, with seeming ease.

Auntie Kath was a Yorkshire lass and introduced me to such culinary delights as putting Stilton cheese on fried Christmas Pudding and serving roast dinners with eighteen different vegetables. She was a keen golfer, a good cook and liked a drop of sherry. She had all the time in the world for her step-grandchildren - all twenty-one of us. She even managed the amazing feat of keeping track of all the great-grandchildren too. Not easy with such a fertile brood.

Best of all when we played cards with her at Christmas she'd let us win - we knew, of course, but didn't want to let on. I think she knew we knew too. But that just made it all the more perfect. Both playing the roles to make the other happy.

I shall remember her very fondly.

My Funny Valentine...

The Diana Tapes...
Last year the Sunday Mirror published the article below. It now appears the tapes will be shown on TV in the US as a two-part special on 4th and 11th March.

Diana: Her fears of 'unhealthy' relationship with aide...

Princess Diana made a sensational secret video diary in which she complained that Charles had an "unhealthy relationship" with top aide Michael Fawcett. Diana, looking tearful and drawn, complains on camera: "He is too close to Fawcett - what can one do when your husband is in an unhealthy relationship" with a servant? She also tells how Charles and his close aide appeared "uncomfortable" and "uneasy" after being disturbed while together in one of the Prince's private rooms.

The existence of the videos, in which Diana sat alone with the camera, emerged recently. For nearly four years they remained in the loft of her former butler Paul Burrell, who never watched them. Police discovered the tapes after raiding Mr Burrell's home two years ago while gathering evidence for the botched trial in which Diana's "rock" was acquitted of all charges. A highly-placed source who is aware of the videos, said: "The contents of the videos are beginning to leak out and they are dynamite." And a friend of Paul Burrell's said: "For five years they were safe with Paul. He never viewed them. He is appalled their contents are now coming out."

On one tape, the late Princess is seen sitting in a chair in her Kensington Palace rooms wearing a pink cardigan. As the camera focuses in she says: "Well here I am again...alone." She then launches into a bitter tirade against Prince Charles and his mistress Camilla Parker Bowles. Looking straight into the camera she says: "I feel completely isolated. Charles confides more in Fawcett than he does with me. The whole situation is completely impossible." The Princess is also scathing about other members of the Royal Family, including the Queen and Prince Philip. She said the Queen regards her as "not the right material to be Queen - dim". The Duke of Edinburgh, she says. was "just unbelievable" in the way he was always, "putting me down...I think he really has dementia".

The video diaries are separate from the so-called audio "rape tape" which Diana made of allegations by former valet George Smith that he had been raped by a member of Prince Charles' household. On one video tape Diana talks about Smith and says how sorry she feels for his predicament. She says that she understood that at first he was having consensual sex with a member of the royal household but that things got out of hand. Diana says that the royal household member went too far and raped him. "It must have been awful for him," she adds. In another segment Diana looks pale and drawn and breaks into tears as she talks of her feelings of loneliness and isolation.
"I feel trapped," she says on more than one occasion. "The Royal Family is trapped in the Dark Ages. Highgrove is so stifling I can't bear to be there." Movingly, she talks about her children, Princes William and Harry, and her fears for their future. She accuses Charles of trying to "take them over", but talks of her determination to decide how they are brought up. She says: "I want them to meet ordinary people. I want them in the real world." Of her own childhood, she adds: "I was brought up as an ordinary girl and that's the way I want my children to be. I don't want them brought up in this stifling atmosphere." She also speaks about the royal staff. She says: "Even they look down their noses at me. It's just awful. I am sure Fawcett's behind it. He has far too much influence."

The revelations of Diana's concern over Charles's association with Fawcett come after he was forced to resign as the Prince's top aide. Despite being criticised in a report by Charles's private secretary Sir Michael Peat, he was given a reported £500,000 pay-off, assistance to buy his £450,000 grace-and-favour home and a £100,000 freelance contract to work for the Prince. Most of the video tapes were said to have been destroyed after the Princess's death in 1997. According to Scotland Yard sources they were burned in the gardens at Highgrove on the Prince of Wales's instructions. Michael Fawcett is said to have organised their destruction as Prince Charles looked on. But some of the tapes were held by former royal butler Mr Burrell and seized by police in a raid on his home two years ago.

An agreement was struck with the Crown Prosecution Service that the tapes would not form part of the Old Bailey trial against Burrell because of their sensitive nature. A senior source said: "Throughout the tapes Diana looks stressed and under tremendous pressure. You can't help feeling sorry for her, she seems to be going through a nightmare. "But these tapes are absolute dynamite, they are hugely embarrassing to the Prince and very humiliating for the whole Royal Family."

Diana was taught how to operate a video camera by a BBC technician friend in the 1990s. Scotland Yard sources have confirmed the existence of the tapes. "Certain property, including tapes, will be subject to a civil action to determine their ownership," a spokesman said.
The Spencer family are understood to want ownership of the tapes. A Palace source said that in the wrong hands the damage the tapes could cause would be "irreparable".

Anything Goes...
[This post was suspended from yesterday as the initial comments reflect]

Tonight the wonderful Andy is taking us (i.e. a huge group of his friends) to the theatre: 'tis Andy's Annual Theatre Night. Last year he took us to see Our House - The Madness Musical and the year before that to see Fame - The (Crappy) Musical. Tonight it's Anything Goes - The... er... Musical. It promises to be positively spiffying with "a whole ship full of tap-dancing sailors and high-kicking chorus girls". Not to mention Cole Porter's I Get a Kick Out of You, You're the Top, It's De-Lovely, Blow, Gabriel, Blow and, of course, Anything Goes. It's the Trevor Nunn production that transferred from the National Theatre. Should be a corker. Really looking forward to it.

UPDATE: It's now the next morning. And it was a corking show. We laughed and laughed. Positively spliffing.

I take that back...
Ian and Marcus (and maybe others too): this post has been temporarily removed so as not to spoil the surprise tonight. So if you've read it already, at least act surprised!

Porn on the go...
I'm not sure whether to be excited or insulted. I've been sent some anonymous porn by MMS (multi media service) on my mobile. Nothing too offensive really - just a fuzzy picture of an erect dick (not one I recognise, I'll have you know). So come on, fess up, was it perhaps one of you, dear readers? I shall be keeping a beady eye open from now on in case I match the picture to real thing at some stage; maybe even ask around at the theatre tonight. Perhaps a identity parade of the usual suspects might be in order too.

iPod battery life
Apple are being sued over iPod battery life. But it's not just the iPod though, is it? It happens to all devices that rely on built-in rechargeable batteries: they wear out (a vague memory from the back of my mind shouts the word 'hysteresis' at me). I suppose the only thing with Apple is, did they say the batteries would last longer than they actually do?

My first XDA had a built-in rechargeable battery and after 18 months you could tell it wasn't keeping the device juiced up as long as it used to. To swap out the battery for a new one would have required a return to base refit. Costing me God knows what. Luckily my new XDA2 has a user change rechargeable battery so you can simply swap in a new one in when it starts to lose it's capacity to hold it's charge. Must better idea.

Sony don't make any claims on battery life, as far as I'm aware, concerning my baby Network Walkman. That has a built-in rechargeable battery too. It just seems to go on and on. But I'm not fooling myself. As sure as eggs are eggs, it'll die like every other gadget. Rechargeable built-in batteries are a bummer.

"Gadgets using built-in batteries: devices where the obsolescence comes as standard".

Crazy day at work...
Microsoft admits 'critical' flaw. Thanks, Microsoft. You've fucked up my day.

Life As A Guy...
I love this little movie. Bitter as hell; funny all the same. Ah, L'Amour.

Brainteaser...
This is an unusual paragraph. I'm curious how quickly you can find out what is so unusual about it? It looks so plain you would think nothing was wrong with it! In fact, nothing is wrong with it! It is unusual though. Study it, and think about it, but you still may not find anything odd. But if you work at it a bit, you might find out! Try to do so without any coaching.

Four nights of heavy drinking take their toll...
Went to see Scissor Sisters on Thursday. Sang like a loon. Got dreadfully drunk.
Went to Paris (again) on Friday. Stayed in a church. Got horribly drunk.
Went to Duckie on Saturday. Danced like a loon. Got terribly drunk.
Went to dinner on Sunday. Chatted like a loon. Got disgustingly drunk.
Stayed in last night. Watched TV. Didn't touch a drop.

I'm A Celebrity... Get Me Out Of Here!...
So Kerry McFadden is the winner of IACGMOOH! 2004. I secretly wanted Jennie Bond to win - she ate the most horrible insects alive. But who can forget Peter Andre's fantastic Insania? Well lest you should forget why not keep it as a ringtone.

Coke Is It...

[From B3ta collective]

Happy Birthday...
Happy Birthday to you
Happy Birthday to you
Happy Birthday, dear Joaquim Marcus
Happy Birthday to youuuuuuuuu!

Scissor Sisters at the Scala...
The perfect moment that captures last night was Marky (yes, Marky, hard to impress Marky, who normally stands at the back of gigs and pours scorn on my fickle enthusiasm each time I gush about 'the best live act I've ever seen') dancing and singing at the top of his voice along to the Scissor Sisters's Better Luck Next Time with a huge smile across his face.

Last night Simon, Paul, Emma, special-guest-I'm-not allowed-to-mention, Marky and I met up in Sahara Nights (the old Bell) for pre-gig cocktails quite early. Rumour had it the support act for the Scissor Sisters would be worth listening to. Good thing we did because Syntax were really quite good in a Depeche Mode kind of way. Like us, the crowd was pretty appreciative. Why, we even swayed a bit.

But later when the Scissor Sisters burst on the stage for their hour long set the crowd went completely mental. As the Scissor Sisters thundered through their songs with such a high level of energy it was exhausting just to watch. Not that we just watched mind you. We sang, we danced, we rolled, grooved and rocked. You just can't stand still when so much power is being dissipated on stage. Even our special-guest-I'm-not allowed-to-mention was moved to sway a bit.

A few new songs blended seamlessly into a set list which otherwise stuck fairly firmly to last Saturday night's running order. Musically the high point of the evening was a tie between Comfortably Numb and the encore Music Is The Victim.

As the gig drew to a close the six of us were all willing there to be more. But the lights came up. It was over. Suddenly we were all talking at the same time saying what a great show it was.

Why even Marky gushed, "That was the best live act I have ever seen". Praise indeed.

Ham Or Spam...
A researcher has discovered how to make spam unstoppable. Apparently by including just one of the following words it will get past a spam filter: 'Berkshire', 'Marriott', 'wireless', 'touch' and 'comment'. Seems unlikely I know. But in the spirit of such things here is my contribution to spammers everywhere - the magic phrase that will guarantee your wretched spam gets through those pesky filters.

"Heard the comment about the Marriott Hotel in Berkshire on the wireless? Get in touch."

Pete meets the family...
Last night we meet up with Pete (pictured) in the Hen and Chickens for drinks. Mark had not met him before and was beginning to wonder who I'd been banging on about these last few weeks.

Michael joined us too which was great because I'd not seen him since New Year and he's just back from the Canaries. Paul arrived a little bit later on as he seems to be working all the hours God sends these days.

Once assembled our little band of happy campers headed off for food. And where else but... the wonderful Nicaraguan La Piragua. Upper Street has a lot to offer by way of fine eateries but La Piragua is head and shoulders above the rest in terms of friendly service, quality of food, character and value for money. £20 a head and that included wine (Sauvignon Plonk, naturally).

After dinner Pete and I went on to the EDVI (as it now likes to call itself) and then Bar Fusion. There we sat on the sofas, got a bit more tipsy and had giggly girly chats, gossipy fish-wifery and swapped of Kath and Kim one-liners.

As Pete put it in a text later: "Oh Sharon, you ate my last fat free fruche! I had a great night. And I sayed so!" I couldn't have agreed more.

I'm A Celebrity... Get Me Out Of Here!...
Things are bubbling along very nicely in the jungle on IACGMOOH. Mike Read is out. Diane Modahl is out. Peter Andre is babbling like a mad man: "I hate feet. What good are feet?" Er... for walking, Peter? Jenny Bond is favourite to be next out. John Lydon is favourite to win.

Talking of which, the best bit of last night's show was John Lydon's reaction to surving the eviction vote.

On live TV is shouts: "FUCKING CUNTS!" Priceless!

For a split second Ant or Dec were going to laugh and then suddenly it was all, "We are very sorry for that. It's a live show. We are incredibly sorry."

It was almost as good a moment as seeing Janet Jackson's boob on live TV (see below).

UPDATE THURSDAY: It seems it was Razor who has been edged out - and John Lydon has walked off the set. Currently in a hotel.

Janet wants to join the Cheeky Girls...

Damien Rice...
O - good.

You can quote me on that...
My two favourite Kath and Kim series two quotes are both in the same episode

Kim: "It's hard being a 'wife'... so many decisions to make... corporate... house... fish..." "OK, Sharon, I've decided, I'm going to be trophy..."

Brett "It's not cardonnay, Kim, it's chardonnay. Chardonnay"
Kim: "Oh alright, chardonnay! CHARDONNAY!! You pack of chunts!"

And talking on TV the other week was Rick Wakeman talking about a gig he did when he was in The Strawbs: "I only had one little piano solo but this old boy got up on stage. I didn't know who he was so I pushed him off. The police arrested me. Well, I didn't didn't know he was Salvador Dali!"

Afternoon Delight...
It was Luca and Stuart's 1st anniversary drinks yesterday. Coupled to this was the fact that the lovely Pete was over from Oz made going to Chill Out at the Royal Vauxhall Tavern (a.k.a. RVT) an engagement I didn't want to miss. Marky was staying in to watch the match (back on top, eh, boys?!) and Paul was working so I was going alone. Fuelled by rumours (that proved to be true) at The Dame Edna Experience (a.k.a D.E.) was starting her show an hour earlier at 5pm I got my shit together a little earlier than usual and headed off down Vauxhall way with a full heart and Scissor Sisters on the MP3 player. I bumped into Luca and Stuart en route and I must say they do make a very attractive couple - congratulations boys.

D.E. did one of those shows that make you think 'she's too good for this place' - with memories of Wakefield and Chicken TV being particular highlights of his/her stand-up. Needless to say the singing was beyond compare as per. It put us all in the great mood. Except those who were stuck out in the pouring rain, of course. The RVT had ran out of green wrist bands so they wouldn't let them in for ages. The place wasn't even full. Bastards!

It was great to catch up with Pete, of course; that man is so lovely. And made all the more so as he introduced me to three other equally lovely people. First there was Ryan (Hi Ryan!) who claims to be a regular reader - so where's that comment Ryan, huh? Oh, did I mention he's as cute as a button? And then there was Claudia, a co-worker of Ryan, who is really sweet, a complete dynamo on the dance floor and one of the most attractive lesbians I'm met in years. To complete the Holy Trinity Pete introduced me to the gorgeous Josh - young, good-looking, got the smarts and friendly... what's not to like?! The great hunk of spunk.

Super sexy David and smoldering Ian were of course in attendance along with a gaggle of other chums - some of which I'm not seen for some time. Shuttling back and forth between various groups of friends passed the time in a most agreeable way. So agreeable in fact that I fear I may have actually taken my T-shirt off and danced like a loon at some point or other. Now if only Davie. Russ and Rich had been there too...

Sky rockets in flight, afternoon delight.

A Cut Above The Rest...
Last night Matthew was throwing a birthday party in the only way he knows how. Fantastically. All the special and gorgeous were there and we had a great time. A few drinks, some nice chats, great nibbles and the odd flirt. What more could one want from a Saturday night out? What indeed. But even I know that when the Thompson Twins and Culture Club CDs start coming out it's time to start furtively looking at your watch.

I had planned to go to Duckie but within the space of 20 minutes was stood up by the four people I was going with - David (no not that David, nor that David but another one), Jason (no not that Jason, nor that one either but another one), Pete (Oz friend of Davie's) and Marky. They were respectively too drunk, had a better offer (Mr Hoist), too tired and it was too cold / wet outside. Ho hum.

Before long David (yes that David this time) and Ian persuaded me to go with them to The Cock Live instead which was at Crash. And I'm really pleased the did. Eventually.

We queued for an hour before getting in. I hate that - when clubs open later than they advertise and you're left in the cold. But while in the queue we were joined by Marco (David's er.. squeeze?) and Fabrizio though so things were looking up. As luck would have it just after we got in Pete texted me to say was I in Duckie? Fuck! So I dashed out (thankfully David suggested getting a pass-out) and met Pete fully expecting we were back on for Duckie instead. I was wrong. Pete was just saying hello as he was off to Action with some friends. We said our goodbyes. But thank God for that pass-out! I jumped the huge queue and was back in The Cock Live before they'd missed me.

It was only when we were in we got 100% confirmation of something that we had heard on the grapevine. My new favourite band, Scissor Sisters, were doing a secret gig. With a 'special guest'. David had texted me earlier with a quote from www.popjustice.com who had talked about 'what might easily be the greatest onstage collaboration of all time.' Bet's were on for either Neil Tennant, Marc Almond, Andy Bell, Pete Burns or Billy Ray Martin joining Scissor Sisters on stage.

There were two other live acts on first though: X-Lovers (tried a little too hard in that Transvision Vamp/Blondie style) and Ping Pong Bitches (good electro beats but a rather sub-Steve Strange stage presence). We then waited another hour for technical problems to be resolved and finally Scissor Sisters burst on stage. Raptuous applause. They did a 30 minute pumped up set (Laura (Simone), Take Your Mama Out, Skins, Comfortably Numb, amongst others) and stormed it. Full of energy and full of stories about doing Top Of The Tops the night before - God, they hate Westlife!

And when they finally came back for an encore we saw who their special guest really was. Why it was none other than Dead Or Alive's Pete Burns in all his fabulousness. He sang along to what was their final number Tits On the Radio. Fab. Fab. Fab. A perfect finale to what was a cut above a normal Saturday night out.

Can't wait to see them again at The Scala on Thursday.

Another BBC Resignation...

[Thanks to Guy for this - who seems to be taking it all very well seeing as his work must be a nightmare at the moment. Thinking of you, you top BBC guy you]

Kittens Pause...
Atomic Kitten to take 'time out'. I wonder if they'll ever be whole again?

Round The Horne Revisited...
Last night Paul, Marky and I (Ian was a no-show) went to see Round The Horne Revisited at The Venue, Leicester Square. It was a fab show invoking all the fun of a 1960s BBC recording session. The jokes came think and fast and we didn't stop laughing.

Best gag? Bona Law: Ooooh hello, Mr Horne. I'm Jules and this is my friend Sandy. I'm only doing law temporary mind. I've got a criminal practice that takes up most of my time.

Dyke...
And the posters read 'Cut the crap, bring Greg back': "One man stood on a bollard to see over the crowd. 'What's happening?' we all shouted. 'I can see a little bald head coming this way!' he said. I spotted him amid a rabble of people - they were hugging him, kissing him, crying, clapping."

So Greg Dyke has left the BBC. I'm A BBC Director... Get Me Out Of Here! Well, I can't say I'm sorry. As regular readers may know I never liked the man.

Two down, two to go. Come on Mr Gilligan and Mr Sambrook, times up.

Let it snow, let it snow, let it snow...
I'm not saying it's been snowing heavily in London but...

Blast from the past...
Since Jeff seems to have stopped stalking me so much recently it's perhaps time to fess up that I've actually watched Fash FC on Bravo as he suggested. And yes indeed it is that Paul Baker in the squad. Well, well, well. After all these years: New Depression, The Bell, The Scala all-nighters... Good luck, Paul. Still not been on Top Of The Pops with that top ten single, huh? Don't worry, it'll happen.

After 17 years...
Abba singer signs new record deal. Hurrah!

DAB...
Last week we bought a Pure DAB (Digital Audio Broadcasting) radio. Well two actually. One for the bedroom and one for the bathroom. And what a clean, clear sound comes out of it. Whatsmore we can get Gaydar Radio on it too. Fancy.

I'm A Celebrity... Get Me Out Of Here!...
The ten celebrities taking part in the new series of I'm A Celebrity... Get Me Out Of Here! finally started their ordeal / career saving bids last night. The celebrities are 'glamour girl' Jordan (a.k.a. Katie Price), George Best's wife Alex, former Sex Pistol John Lydon, one-time pop star Peter Andre, former royal reporter Jennie Bond, former Olympic athlete Diane Modahl, aristocrat and convicted fraudster Lord Brocket, ex-Atomic Kitten Kerry McFadden, former football hardman Neil "Razor" Ruddock and DJ Mike Read. Mr Read was brought in as a last-minute replacement for 77-year-old comic Frank Carson, who was dropped because of worries about his health.

On last night's show the Bushtucker Trial was hideous. Bosomy Jordan had stick insects, cockroaches, a snake, beetles and spiders poured into her see-through helmet, while Razor got meal worms, giant cockroaches, crickets, an eel and tent spiders in his. Watching that creeping, crawling low-life squirming about in the jungle has truly nauseating... (wait for it)... and the animals weren't much better either!

Quote of the night: "What is a music man without his music?" says Peter Andre. Er... a man, Peter?

We'll be gripped.

Golden Globe Awards Winners 2004...
"I'm not from these parts... I'm from a little place called England. We used to run the world before you". Well done The Office.

Car Trouble...


[Click for bigger versions]
[Thanks to Rog]

Brainteasers...
1) What are the missing symbols in the following calculation?

5 ? 9 ? 4 ? 8 = 19.25

2) How long is a rope that is 2 yards shorter than another rope that is three times the length of the first rope.

Dark Matter...
I envy Jonathan Dursi. Not only is he a professional physicist (my dream job), not only does he have the ability to explain fascinating topics like Dark Matter in easy to understand non-technical terms (Dark Matter, Cosmology, and Large-Scale Structure of the Universe) but he's cute to boot. Damn him!

Nintendo DS...
Yippie! A new toy.

Exclusive Yarns...
Seeing Patricia Hodge playing Mrs Coulter at the National over the last couple of nights put me in mind of what for me is one of her most memorable roles. That of a drunken Nanny Agency owner Estelle in 1987's Exclusive Yarns. "the only Nanny Agency with no naffing nannies on it's books". If you've not seen it you should, it's a hilarious spoof / drama about a TV show about a woolshop in Tunbridge Wells. A bit like Acorn Antiques. It starred Maureen Lipman as Tamara, Lesley Jospeh as Pippa as well as the afore mentioned Patricia Hodge. It even transferred from TV to the West End. Wonderful stuff.

The Michael Jackson Sleepover Kit...
This is so wrong. But very funny: The Michael Jackson Sleepover Kit
[Thanks to Guy for the link]

Textually...
Do you know what 'digital shoplifting' is? Or 'cellcerting'? Or 'moblogging'? If not you should head over to Textually - a blog that has all the latest on SMS, picture and video phones. It didn't look as if phones with builtin cameras were to take off for a while but it seems 90% of phones sold recently (in Japan at least) have cameras and I got my first MMS the other day. And people are finding some novel uses for them.

His Dark Materials at the National Theatre...
Into this wild abyss,
The womb of nature and perhaps her grave,
Of neither sea, nor shore, nor air, nor fire,
But all these in their pregnant causes mixed
Confusedly, and which thus must ever fight,
Unless th'almighty maker them ordain
His dark materials to create more worlds,
Into this wild abyss the wary fiend
Stood on the brink of hell and looked a while,
Pondering his voyage...

John Milton Paradise Lost Book II

Last night at the Olivier was amazing, incredible, fantastic, must-see, funny, sad, casually violent, well-acted, epic, thought-provoking, well reviewed, 3 hours long, star-studded, anti-church, pro-humanity, and... sold-out. And that was just Part I. Part II is tonight. Can't wait.

UPDATE: Last night's Part II was as amazing as Part I - or maybe even better. We squealed with delight. If you can somehow get a ticket you have to go.

Paris Match...

Paris...
I'm writing this from beneath the English channel. Above us only water. We are on our way home from three fantastic days in Paris. The hotel Bel-Ami in St Germain-des-Pres was everything we hoped it would be and more: welcoming, accommodating, central and chic. I can unreservedly recommend it if you are planning a trip to Paris.

Saturday night's birthday party destination of the Buddha Bar was rather more of a qualified success however. The place was great - albeit rather dark. But the food and the service was a tad disappointing; and squeezing fourteen of us on to one circular table was a bit of a mistake. The company more than made up for any short-comings though. Marcus has a great bunch of friends and we had a scream.

And thanks to David for tipping us off to the fact that Andy and Kevin happened to be in Paris at the same time as us. We met up with them for drinks, food, sleaze and sight-seeing over the weekend and it was great fun to spend time with them both.

I think Marky enjoyed himself too - his first proper trip to Paris. It came at an opportune moment too. He's just finished his dissertation and he needed a break.

So all in all we had a great time and are both looking forward to a return visit to Gay Paree soon.

Happy Birthday...
Happy Birthday to you
Happy Birthday to you
Happy Birthday, dear Marcus
Happy Birthday to you

Brainteasers...
1) Five hundred begins it, five hundred ends it,
Five in the middle is seen;
First of all letters, the first of all figures,
Take up their stations between.
Join all together, and then you will bring
Before you the name of an eminent king.

2) You are blindfolded and naked in an empty room. You are given a pair of steel bars. One is a bar magnet, the other is not. You will be released if you can tell which is which. You are allowed to touch them together just once.
How can you tell which is the magnet?

The Complete Military History of France...
"Going to war without France is like going deer hunting without an accordion. All you do is leave behind a lot of noisy baggage." More Froggy bashing as you read The Complete Military History of France.

Wait for it...
Harold Shipman found dead in his cell. Robert De Nero to play him in a new film.............................................. "The Old Dear Hunter"
[Thanks Jo-Jo]

Bush In 30 Seconds...
Simple idea - run a competition for people to submit 30 second short films / adverts slagging off George W. Bush and his administration. From the thousands of entries here are the winners. You can see the also rans - the twenty-six finalists too.
[Thanks to Carl for the link]

Gay Paree: the return...
Tomorrow Marky and I are going away for a few days. A treat as one of Marky's Christmas presents from me, I'm taking him on an all expenses paid romantic weekend to Paris. We're traveling Eurostar early tomorrow morning and returning late Sunday night. We're staying in the chic Bel-Ami Hotel in the heart of the Saint Germain des Pres area on the Left Bank within walking distance of the Seine, Latin Quarter, the gay district, fashionable boutiques and piano, jazz and sleaze bars. During the day we'll probably do a whistlestop tour of all the Paris sights in an open top bus, visit a couple of small galleries and do a bit of light shopping. Night time we'll be eating out and hitting the bars. I hope we have a good time as it'll be Marky's first real trip to Paris. Me, I used to live there.

The other reason for going this particular weekend is because it's Marcus's birthday weekend and a gang of fourteen of us are going to the Buddha Bar on Saturday night for a meal. Marcus and I did a reckie last November checking out all the good places to eat and drink - the Buddha Bar came out top just on the style quotient alone. Naturally Bona is organising the group outings and "the big switch on" at 8 o'clock (which I should really keep stumm about).

Top Selling Albums of 2003...
I'm obviously completely out of step with the record buying public as UK album sales 'reach new high'.
The top five sellers of 2003 were...
1. Dido - Life For Rent
2. Justin Timberlake - Justified
3. Christina Aguilera - Stripped
4. Daniel Bedingfield - Gotta Get Thru This
5. Norah Jones - Come Away With Me
...none of which I bought.

My favourite album of the year was Dub Side Of The Moon by the Easy All Stars - a faithful reworking of Pink Floyd's Dark Side Of The Moon but in a reggae / dub style (with a bit of drum and bass thrown in). You can listen to four of the tracks here and make your own mind up.

What was your favourite album of the year?

The Brits 2004...
Goldfrapp? Nominated for Best Dance Act? Really? Fab performance of Strict Machine at the launch party on TV last night (repeated again tonight), though.

Lust...
Lust: the enthusiastic desire for sexual activity and its pleasures for its own sake. And lust is a sin, right? Wrong. It's good to hear that Pope Gregory the Great in the 6th Century got it wrong after all as lust declared virtue, not vice. Well, we always knew anything that was that much fun couldn't be all that bad, right?

Pull Ahead...
"You don't need a couple of Whoppers. You are too fat. Pull ahead." More fun as hackers heckle drive-in diners.

Nephew Angus and me...

[Thanks to Marky for talking the photo]

Lord Of The Rings: The Return Of The King...
Last night Ben, Sarah and I went to see LoTR:TRoTK at the Odeon Leicester Square. And what I great film it is.

LoTR:TRoTK recaptures much of the wow-factor perhaps lacking in LoTR:TTT and yet maintains the wit, action and narrative drive that the second film brought to the trilogy. Peter Jackson has undoubtedly created a masterpiece.

The three plot lines from the LoTR:TTT converge into two: Aragorn (Viggo Mortensen), Legolas (Orlando Bloom) and Gimli (John Rhys-Davies) have joined up with Merry (Dominic Monaghan) and Pippin (Billy Boyd) and are rallying the troops to fight Sauron. And the main battle at ensues at Pelennor Fields is truly spectacular.

Meanwhile en route to Mount Doom the avaricious, reptilian Gollum (the quite astounding, computer-generated creation, brilliantly voiced by Andy Serkis) is trying to lead Frodo and Sam to their arachno-death. You understand Gollum a lot better in LoTR:TRoTK and realise that he might actually be a glimpse of what Frodo, and to some extent Bilbo, may become if they were to keep hold of the One Ring.

There's some fine acting but for me it's Sean Astin's Sam that is head and shoulders above the rest of the cast. His moving delivery and inspirational monologues give heart to the whole spectacle. Even if he might find it hard to concentrate when it looks as if Elijah Wood's Frodo is ready to kiss him at any moment.

Others may have their own views but for me it is the best film of the three. And like the others I think it is a film that bears repeat viewing. Roll on the extended DVD.

A year ago today...
Mark's Dad, Patrick, died a year ago today. And it was a very sad day. A sad day for his family and also for me. I remember Patrick very fondly. Partly because he was never anything but welcoming and accepting of me and partly because he was a man to be admired. Admired for the way he lived his life, his faith and his generous, unassuming nature. He lived his life simply. He went to church every day. And he never liked to put people out. Yet he had much to be proud of - not least his four children and many grandchildren. Below is a picture from a few years back. And as I think the picture shows the three of us had some fun together too.

Oyster? Schmoyster!...
My Oyster card started playing up today. "Seek Assistance" is said in bright red text - no matter which ticket barrier I tried to use. Humpf! So I approached one of the (many) idling blue-uniformed station assistants at Green Park for help. "Ah, yes", he said with a smirk, "these annual Oysters have now got Pre-Pay on them too. Means you've strayed 'out of Zone' at some point and run up a £2.00 debit. You'll have to pay that before you can use it again. It's been happening to a lot of other people recently".

Odd, I've not been out of Zone 2 for ages (darling) and certainly not since last night. How come you are allowed to run up a bill on a travel card? Surely it should just refuse you?

Well it turns out (after a long queue and short explanation at the ticket office) that actually there's a fault on the billing system. For many monthly and annual Oyster card accounts the system has not only added the ability to Pre-Pay (in case you wanted to load up your card with credit prior to venturing 'out of Zone') but also added an illusory £2.00 debit just for kicks. Nice. So many of those other people the station assistant mentioned who thought they might have gone 'out of Zone' were actually being diddled by London Underground to the tune of £2.00 each.

I had a feeling LU couldn't be trusted with a billing system. Let's face it BT still get it wrong and they've been doing it for 50 years. My advice if it happens to you with your Oyster card - ask!

Where do you see yourself in five years time?...
Internal target setting time is here again at the office. And the question that always comes up in these management chats is, 'where do you see yourself in five years time?' So for once I've been thinking about it...

I am a person who requires job satisfaction in order to be happy and productive in my work and this is what I have set my mind on achieving in the medium term. For me to have job satisfaction I need a few things. I need to be working to my potential, if not stretched, and I need to be busy. I need to be contributing and to be recognised for that contribution. I need to be valued by the organisation and my peers. I need involvement to the extent that work becomes part of life and not just an attachment to it. You might think that I am asking a lot but this is the goal I have set myself and I hope to achieve well within five years. To a great extent the actual position I am in is secondary in my needs. Some people are not happy unless they achieve a certain power or a certain salary but to me job satisfaction is the most important thing. If you have a satisfying job you are lucky regardless of how high up the ladder you are - the top, the middle or the bottom. I believe if you enjoy your job and you do it well everything else flows from that.)

A Camel isn't just for Christmas...

The day after the day after the night before...
(Ouch! My head hurts.) Thank you to Ben and Sarah for an amazing New Year's Day - yet again proving now much fun four people and Absolute Balderdash can have together. My sides are still aching with laughter. Oh, and my head.

New Year's Eve...
We just got an invite from Charlie to spend New Year's Eve with him in his swanking Oxo Tower apartment which happens to be just along from the London Eye.

By some strange coincidence which in no way biased out decision... "London is gearing up for the biggest New Year's Eve party since Millennium night. The focal point will be the London Eye, which will stage a £1 million fireworks display."


Yippee!


And as midnight approaches I shall be visiting this site to bring in the new year....


A Happy New Year to all my readers!

Happiness...
Colin bought us the DVD of Happiness for Christmas. I'd not seen it before so Marky and I watched it last night. And what a great / disturbing / funny / thought provoking it is. Makes we want to see more of Todd Solondz's films.

Brainteasers...
1) What is filled in the morning and emptied at night, except for one night of the year when it is filled at night and emptied in the morning?

2) What is impossible to hold for half an hour, yet weighs virtually nothing?

3) What demands an answer, but asks no question?

4) I've little strength, but mighty powers;
I guard small hovels and great towers.
But if per chance my master leaves,
He must ensure he safeguards me.
What am I?

The Beagle has landed...
Mars calling Earth... Mars calling Earth... Read reports back from Beagle 2 on it's own blog. Clever. And funny.

"One of the reasons I'm here is to look for "life". Whatever that's supposed to be. At the moment the problem is that even if this 10 metre high Alien appeared in front of me - who could I tell. "Eh - hello ESA, I think I've found life". Ha ha. I mean they're not even picking up my simple beep. Ironic - no? Guess what, I am currently looking at about 5 pink aliens who are slowly approaching, armed with what seem like instr..............

I'm joking. It's as boring as hell here ... really. And red."

Although the star of the Beagle2 On Mars blog for me is Barney the Boulder - Beagle 2's new friend. Sweet. And my site of the moment.

Priestly celibacy rule 'is ignored'...
"Priestly celibacy in the Roman Catholic church has largely broken down in many parts of the world, Father Timothy Radcliffe, former master general of the Dominican Order, which has 200,000 members worldwide, said last night on BBC Radio Four Analysis programme - as reported in today's Guardian.

The Vatican and the Pope have rejected any question of altering the 1,200 year-old celibacy rule, but there is growing alarm in the church that the number of men coming forward to train for the priesthood in Europe and the US is declining, and that a high proportion of those in training are thought to be gay (gasp!)

Eamon Duffy, professor of the history of Christianity at Cambridge, told Analysis: "There is a real danger in the western Catholic church that the clergy will become a profession for homosexuals... many are first class, marvellous priests but I think everybody sees that it would be undesirable to have the clergy predominantly homosexual."

How tired was I this morning?...
How tired was I this morning? Let me tell you... I've put on odd shoes! One of Mark's and one of mine. And I'll only just noticed a full two hours after putting them on. Odd socks? Maybe. But odd shoes?!! How embarrassing!

But most embarrassing of all was the fact that I've been in the MD's office already today and he mentioned something about my shoes and I didn't twig. I just smiled and thought - "strange man!"!

My only excuse is that I was tired and it was dark! Today I'll just sit in my office with my feet well under my desk and pray no one asks me to do anything that involves moving!

Here is a picture as humbling evidence:

Christmas puzzle...
What to do if you have the following to hand:

1. ....time

2. ....a knife

3. .... a cat

4. ....a camera

And the answer is....



[Thanks Sarah]

Happy Christmas!...
The most fantastic Christmas card ever! Happy Christmas to all my readers.

What women want...
Stuck for a last minute Christmas present? Here are some tips for what women what. Click for bigger versions.


[Thanks to Rog for the images]

When a favour is a pleasure...
On Saturday I got a text message from Dave, the perfectly formed Minkered one, in Oz asking if I was going to the Vauxhall on Sunday. A good friend of Dave's, Pete, was in town and wanted someone to show him the ropes. I was going to have to cancel some plans but as it turned out they were cancelled for me anyway and so at 2pm Sunday afternoon I found myself waiting at the top of Vauxhall tube station escalators for an Australian that I'd never met. All I knew about him was that he a friend of Dave's, he had a thorough knowledge of Kath and Kim and probably had a beard.

Looking at each person straight in the eye as they emerged at the top of the escalator to see if they are the one you are meeting can be a strange business. Straight men (well the ones that aren't psychopathic) don't give you a second glance. The gay ones though more often than not get a reflex cruising reaction when you catch their eye. Within the space of ten minutes I had perhaps given 'the wrong signals' to seven or eight of the emerging poofs. One of which came over and spoke to me - but who patently wasn't Pete. An uneasy smile from me. "Sorry, I'm waiting for someone else", was the only thing I could think to say. Seemed a bit lame but it was true! "Another time?" he said. Another uneasy smile. Maybe not.

Eventually this perfectly cute and obviously Australian (tanned, cropped hair, relaxed attitude, deep blue eyes) appeared at the top of the escalator and I knew I had my man. "Jonathan?", he asked. "Pete" I declared. "I thought you might be wearing the Kath and Kim fun wig?", he said. "No kiss no coach?" I replied. We laughed.

Waiting for the Vauxhall to open on a freezing cold winter's afternoon is no fun. We eventually found a bench on a windy overground train platform and huddled round lousy tea and coffees trying to keep warm. There Pete told all about his work as a P.E. teacher and his various teaching jobs in Oz, the States and the UK. We caught up with Dave's news too (that which I couldn't glean from his blog anyway). Utterly frozen we finally joined the queue that was forming outside the venue. A further half hour later the doors finally opened. In that time I'd discovered that Pete lives with the lovely Rich and Russ! Oh my God! Small world!

Once inside we got beers (and more beers. And more beers) and chatted to Grant and Jason and did all the usual things people do waiting for the act to come on. D.E was in good form and good voice. Coincidentally performing mainly songs by Australian divas ONJ and Kylie. Pete seemed to love the show and soon afterwards we were dancing like lunatics to Andy Almighty's hi-nrg oeuvre. I was even persuaded to take my shirt off. Yikes! Must have been something in the beer!

I left the gorgeous Pete at about 10:30pm as I had a school day but making sure Pete knew where the courtesy bus left for the LA3. A top night with a top bloke.

Amercian Family Association...
The American Family Association, an anti-gay organization, is doing a poll on gay marriage and civil unions. They are going to present the results to Congress in the US, hoping to gain support for the federal constitutional amendment to define "marriage" as solely a heterosexual union.

However, anyone can take their poll, so please pass this URL far and wide. (I doubt they expect anyone but their own, anti-gay members to answer it.)

Click here to vote in their Marriage Poll. Come on. Let's screw up their figures - which by the look of it so far it's working!

Have I Got News For You...
Tonight when asking about Ken Livingston's re-entry into the Labour party host Charles Brandreth asked: "Who has withdrawn to ease Ken's passage?" Missus.

Ouch!...
My head hurts. And my tummy's upset. And I feel lousy. And tired. Is it a cold? No. Is it the 'flu? No. It's a hangover. For last night was our company Christmas party. Much eating and drinking and laughing and dodgems (yes, dodgems!) I'm paying for it today though.

Christmas Time...
Richard sent me this rather fun electronic Christmas Card. It appeals to my sense of humour. Thanks, Rich.

Crap Album Covers...

[Click for bigger version]
[Thanks to Rog (amongst others)]

Tesco - Dean Street - Soho
You may have read that a branch of Tesco is opening up in Dean Street in Soho - right in the middle of Boystown. You may have even seen the advertising campaign (tube posters, internet ads, magazine ads) which are all based on one rather pink tinged section of the market. Stereotypical images of gay men as the Village People, Drag Queens and in bondage gear.

Last night Guy sent me this link of an internet ad. Other bloggers have pictures of the tube poster ads.

Personally I think the ads are amusing. Others don't agree. Some peope are offended. But, hey, that's their choice. I'm with Oscar Wilde: "there is no such thing as bad taste, it's either funny or it's not".

Sure Is...
This store is actually called Treasure Island but the accidentally cropped photo below says it all. Amercia's most European supermarket. Sure Is. And I love those little pictures of Europe - France Italy England and Greece. One American was asked where he thought Greece was. The reply: "South America?"

Google Deskbar...
Favourite new toy: Google Deskbar

Saint Etienne...
Last night Paul and Simon took Marky and I to The London Palladium to see Saint Etienne as a birthday present for Marky. David and Jason were there as was Michael and a bunch of other Duckie regulars. Actually the whole crowd was fairly fruity. And when we arrived we got given a free three track Saint Etienne CD of Christmas songs. A good start.

The night was billed as, "their big show of 2003... a greatest hits set and Christmas extravaganza featuring some very special guests who have appeared on Saint Etienne tracks down the years."

The show was indeed a lot of fun with the audience on their feet after just a couple of tunes. All the old favourites were there bringing back memories of the early the 90's and beyond.

Special guests were promised and in fact they turned out to be the wonderful Etienne Daho and (more bizarrely) Edwin Collins. Jason said, "who the fuck is he?". Quite. More on him later however.

Edwin Collins spat at me...
My only previous encounter with Mr Edwin Collins was when he spat at me. He was still fronting his former outfit of Orange Juice at the time and was playing at my first May Ball at college. He obviously took a dislike to me for some reason. Perhaps I seemed to be having too much fun dancing to his, then, only big hit, "Rip It Up". I'd like to say I spat back at him gleefully but I didn't. I wiped it off and kept dancing to his song. But for the last time. I've never danced to it since. I've just developed a pure hatred for the man that has barely abated over 21 years later.

It's as if I'd never been away...
Five minutes after getting back to the office it's as if I'd never been away. Ho hum. Rumour has it it's Christmas next week though so that'll be nice... (thinks) Oh shit! That means I've got to start Christmas shopping PDQ.

Back in the saddle...
Landed at 8am this morning and straight from the flight to get my hair cut, then a wine tasting this afternoon, soon going to JP's party in the Oxo Tower and then a the Royal Vauxhall Tavern to see New York drag act extraordinaire, Kiki and Herb. Back in the saddle - did I say saddle? I mean harness.

UPDATE: Kiki and Herb weren't on (boo, hoo!) but Gary Le Strange was (hurrah!)

Americans? Bashful? Hard to believe...

Homeward bound...
Flying back to London today. Our flight takes off in 11 hours time. My palms are sweating already.

Anti Spam Laws...
Spam is the bane of my life. I get a lot. 2000 since I've been away travelling. So I welcome the news that according to the BBC: "New European laws banning the sending of unwanted e-mails - spam - come into force on Thursday. The laws make it a criminal offence to send e-mails or text messages unless the recipient has agreed in advance to accept them."

But wait. Does that mean I need to ask permission from someone before I send them an e-mail? Any e-mail? To anyone? And a text message? Will I have to phone someone before I sent them a text message and offer them an opt-out option?

So I have a question. What is spam exactly? Is it *any* unsolicited or unwanted message? My credit card statement (that now comes by e-mail)? A holiday text message without agreeing with the recipient in advance? The passing on of e-mail jokes or web links to friends? One man's spam is another mans food (if that makes sense!)

I need to think about this some more. I guess time, and the courts, will tell though.

The Wind-Chilly City...
Chicago is called The Windy City. Well they should call it The Wind-Chilly City. It's fucking freezing!
And if proof were needed, the temperature today is...
Currently: -6º C [Hi: -1º C / Lo: -8º C]
Wind Chill: -13º C

Vegas Recedes...
We left Las Vegas yesterday returning to Chicago. The Boeing 757 flight was as bumpy as hell. We were in row 18 by the wing which isn't my favourite seat on a plane I can tell you. I had tears streaming down my face as I was hit by a severe panic attack in the turbulence just before landing. And the song I had playing on my MP3 player at ear-splitting volume to try and steady my nerves? ELO's Don't Bring Me Down. On reflection maybe the choice of song wasn't a particularly wise one.

Vegas Rocks...
Saturday
Shopping at the Fashion Show mall Part 1
Venitian Hotel meal with Carl, Peter, Marcus, Nikki, Mark & me
Shopping at the Fashion Show mall Part 2
Bar tour: The Buffalo/Gipsy with Carl & Peter

Sunday
5 relaxing hours at the Mandalay Bay Hotel spa
Circus Circus Hotel for champagne lunch
Cujo joins the holiday
The Buffalo for pool and darts with yet another Army guy. Is everyone in the US Army gay? (We didn't ask. He didn't tell)

Monday
Hightail shopping for SD Wi-Fi cards
Everyone else: Half-day Grand canyon trip by helicopter
Me: Half-day in Apollo spa for KGB massage
Tumblers extraordinaire at Aladdin Hotel
Hawaian (of course) cheeseburgers
Internet access on TV in room

Tuesday
Rat-pack Algiers Hotel
Into the blue up the Stratosphere
Cartoon at 1200ft
Rattled at Raffles
Gambling (poker (video (with a system (plus free drinks (except for the obligatory one dollar a drink tipping (which is endemic here))))))

Vegas Rolls...
Friday
The meal for Marky's birthday was sensational. We were in Swan Court at the Mandalay Bay Hotel. We were half expecting Vegas swans i.e. ones that sang, danced and did high kicks round the restaurant before offering to sell you sex or a Keno ticket - but sadly they were real swans that just swam about and looked nonchalant.

The food was nouveau cuisine. Eleven courses - yes, count them, eleven! - and well worth the yankee bucks we paid.

Vegas (Still) Rules...
The frenetic pace of life here has not let up. If we're still standing we'll be back in Chicago on Wednesday.

Vegas Rules…
Since arriving in Las Vegas on Tuesday it's been pretty non-stop. Here is a brief list of the main things we've done in the last few days:

Tuesday
Arrived late afternoon and did a bit of haggling at the Mandalay Bay Hotel until we got a room with a king-size bed over looking The Strip
Met up with Nikki and browsed the Forum Shops and ate dinner at Bertolli's
Went to the Treasure Island Hotel to see the Sirens of TI show
Had a look round the Excalibur Hotel and Luxor Hotel
Bit of gambling and early night

Wednesday
Breakfast in New York, New York Hotel
Gambled a bit and watched the acrobatic show AirPlay at the Tropicana Hotel
Mark and Nikki went on the roller coaster ride at New York, New York Hotel - I held the coats
Lunch at Red, White and Blue in Mandalay Bay Hotel
Mandalay Bay Hotel Shark Reef to see their new hammerhead shark called Princess
MGM Grand Hotel for drinks and live music
Rita Rudner show at New York, New York Hotel
Back to the MGM Grand Hotel to see the lions and for more drinks

Thursday
Breakfast at Belagio Hotel
Had a look round Monte Carlo Hotel
Had a look round the Aladdin Hotel and the adjoining Desert Passage Shops and got impromptu back massages
In afternoon went to see Matrix Revolutions at the Luxor Hotel IMAX
Met with Carl at the Liberace Museum for the turning on of the Christmas lights and meeting Wes Winters: pianist to the stars
Popped our heads round the door of gay bar Goodtimes and then drove to gay bar The Buffalo for a beer or two and to play pool
Chinese meal in China Town
Drove into the mountains to see Las Vegas from afar
Drove back to Las Vegas and back to The Buffalo bar to play some more pool and for more beer
Back to Mandalay Bay Hotel to watch some live music, some more gambling and more beer (hic).

Friday
Met Marcus and Nikki and had breakfast next to the Desert Rain Storm in the Desert Passage Shops
Had a look round Paris Las Vegas Hotel and went to the top of the Eiffel Tower (500 feet too high of the ground for me)
Lunch at Mon Ami Gapi bistro
Watched the water show in front of the Belagio Hotel
Back for disco nap and to write this blog entry
In an hour we've got people round drinks i.e. the champagne that Ben and Sarah kindly sent Marky for his birthday prior to a five course dinner for Marky's birthday at uber-posh Swan Court (part of the Aureole restaurant at the Mandalay Bay Hotel)

Phew! We are definitely playing by Vegas rules. You stop either because you run out of money or you collapse from exhaustion.

The Birthday Boy...
Below are some long hidden glamour shots that he'd probably rather you didn't see. You go, girl! [Click for larger versions]

Happy 40th Birthday, Marky...
Happy Birthday to you
Happy Birthday to you
Happy Birthday, dear Marky
Happy Birthday to youuuuuuuuu!

Lazy Days...
Monday was another lazy day. A spot of light shopping in Water Tower Place, lunch on the 95th floor of the Hancock Building (as you do) and then a health spa. Feeling suitable invigorated, it was back up the Hancock Building in the evening - this time to the 96th floor - for cocktails and the tremendous view of the city at night.

Carl, Marky and I then headed home to watch the new season two of Kath and Kim on DVD that had just arrived on Carl's doorstep.

In a few hours we're off to Las Vegas for the second leg of our trip.

Pictures from Sunday...
We started off in Roscoe's and then to Emma's for dinner.
[Click for bigger versions]

Just Sunday at home really...
Yesterday we meet up with Emma and Gina, an 18 year old Native American girl, for midday Sunday breakfast at Melrose diner. Blimey, the amount of food you get in these places is incredible! Gina was a really interesting person - studying biology and chemistry to go to Med School and then join the Army to travel the world. She's the sole daughter in her clan and as such is the most important off-spring - her tribe being a matrilineal one.

Our very chatty waitress sat down with us; "God, I just love your British accent! Say 'banana' for me" I did. She was in fits. "Say it again!" I did. "Again!" I did. More fits of giggles. "Banana, banana, banana" She was almost on the floor with laughter. She picked herself up, cleared our table and just as she was walking away I shouted after her "You know what my favourite band is, don't you?... BANANARAMA!". She all but tossed her tray in the air with hysterical laughter. Some people are so easy to please!

Anyway after leaving them at about 1pm we went to the local pub and played pool for 5 hours - well you would, wouldn't you? And then staggered and swaggered along with Flint, Carl and TJ our way to Emma's for dinner and to meet Gina's brother Aubrey. Aubrey is a Native American who works in construction and a thoroughly nice chap to boot. He told me some fascination things about Native American culture that were both illuminating and amazing.

For some reason we all found ourselves later on in Sidetracks - a very noisy and crowded video bar. We didn't stay long.

Happy Birthday, big brother...
Happy Birthday to you
Happy Birthday to you
Happy Birthday, dear Simon
Happy Birthday to youuuuuuuuu!