Quote Of The Day

"Victory goes to the player who makes the next-to-last mistake - Chessmaster Savielly Grigorievitch Tartakower (1887-1956)"

Tuesday, April 30, 2002

The Truth About Gay Sex…
Each Monday for the past three weeks (last night being the third) there has been a TV program on Channel Four entitled “The Truth About…”.

The first one was called “The Truth About Lesbian Sex” and it was truly fascinating. Strap-ons, cunnilingus, body rubbing, relationships and ‘lesbian bed death’ were all explored. It was mildly titillating, genuinely good humoured and largely interesting.

Last week the show was called “The Truth About Gay Animals” and Scott Capurro was dispatched on a world wide mission to find out about gay animals. Did they exist? Would anyone be prepared to talk about them if they did? The main ‘fact or myth’ to be explored was did male animals only indulge in gay sex when there were no females around. This definition of gay sex in this case seemed to include only penetration. Many ‘experts’ seemed to hold this view and the evidence was certainly there – only our intrepid reporter wasn't happy with this 'straight by default, gay in a crisis' theory and set about to disprove it. He did manage to find some evidence to the contrary but not much. Two male swans shacking up in the West Country and a few gay goats in the States. Sadly the lesbian monkeys failed to perform on cue. Overall there seemed to be little video evidence of any gay behaviour in the animal kingdom (queendom?) and next to no scientific research has been carried out. But then again, why would you? The funniest moment was when, having collected various video clips, Scott Capurro showed the tape to that famous homophobe Baroness Young. She was at a complete loss for words while her ‘people’ hovered in the background suspecting a set-up. They were right. "It's disgusting!", she said. "Why would anyone want to look at that?". I kind of see her point.

Last night we were treated to “The Truth About Gay Sex”. And it seemed all my friends were in it! It was explicit stuff and not a little uncomfortable at times. Various gay sex terms were described and demonstrated in turn. We took a stroll through various gay sex acts: anal intercourse, fisting, rimming etc. The places were people have gay sex: bed, cruising grounds, cottages. And the use of various sex toys: a dildo and a speculum. This was spectacularly demonstrated by Jonathan Wheatley of/at Expectations. He inserted a speculum into a large water melon with a crack in it to represent an arse. Gradually he opened the speculum up to demonstrate it's use. Then, to everyone’s surprise, the water melon smashed in two with a large cracking noise. “Opps!” he said, “that doesn’t normally happen with bottoms. Obviously!”

The latter part of the show largely concerned itself with relationships. A gay couple who had been together for 27 years and seemed as happy as larry, a couple of twats who had just meet and were buying a house together and who somehow thought that they could get "married in Holland just like straight people do” and a couple who met in the cruising area in Finsbury Park and who have sex with other people as a matter of course. Throughout the show various statistics were flashed up on the screen which frankly seemed hard to believe. Things like 73.9% of gay relationships are non-monogamous, 17.3% of straight men had had gay experiences, 43.3% of gay men go cottaging etc. I can only think that there is some fluzey out there who is bucking the averages up!

On the whole the show was a fun to watch. But perhaps it rather overplayed our hand. To reveal exactly where the best cottages are and where the best cruising grounds might be considered a tad risky. Also there was one thing that stuck out (excuse the pun) for me from the whole show. And that was the complete lack of any mention of safer sex, STDs, HIV or AIDS. Quite unbelievable really.

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