Quote Of The Day

"Victory goes to the player who makes the next-to-last mistake - Chessmaster Savielly Grigorievitch Tartakower (1887-1956)"

Thursday, March 15, 2001

A farmer decides one day that we fancies doing an experiment on one of his pigs. He thinks it might be fun to see how big his pig will grow if he shoves a cork up it's bum to stop it shitting and then feed it lots of food. To help with the task be buys a monkey and sets about training it to insert a cork into the pig's arse. All goes well with the training and the day of the trial arrives. The pig is tethered to a stake in the middle of the farmer's field and the monkey presented with the cork. The monkey firmly inserts the cork up the pig's bum and the pig starts eating all the food it's given. By the end of the first day the pig has put on quite a lot of weight and the farmer is quite satisfied. Day two comes and the experiment continues with the pig eating more and more food. The pig swells bigger and bigger as the backlog of shit builds up. The pigs keeps eating vast amounts of food for the rest of that week - and then the following week too. After nearly a month the pig is so full of shit it has swollen to the size of a huge pink hot air balloon with too little eyes, four little trotters, a curly tail and one big cork. The farmer decides the experiment has gone far enough and asks all the local villagers to come and watch the monkey take the cork out. Sure enough the crowds assemble in the surrounding fields. On the stroke on noon the farmer gives the monkey his cue to pull out the cork. There's a huge explosion of shit in all directions. The people who are standing nearest to the pig are completely buried over their heads in pig shit. Even people standing much further away in the next field are up to their waists in the brown smelly stuff. Some distance away in the next-but-one field the devastation isn't quite so bad. Still it's deep enough to cover everyone's ankles. Now in this field is one of the farmer's neighbours and he's standing there laughing and laughing and laughing. "What have you got to laugh about", says the farmer, "your boots are all covered in pig shit." The neighbour says, "I don't mind about that, but you ought to have seen the monkey trying to put the cork back in!"

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