ÉGOÏSTE! ÉGOÏSTE! ÉGOÏSTE! ...

You have to be of a certain age for this one. Stu sells you some perfume...

Derren Brown...

Nice put down by Derren Brown.

Marvel Films...

The correct order to watch the (recent) Marvel films. Oh and maybe start with Howard the Duck.

Happy Boxing Day...

Happy Boxing Day
Happy Boxing Day
Happy Boxing Day
Happy Boxing Day
Happy Boxing Day
Happy Boxing Day

Happy Christmas...

Happy Christmas
Happy Christmas
Happy Christmas
Happy Christmas
Happy Christmas
Happy Christmas

Social Mobility...

"I believe that people make their own luck in life. Anyone can achieve anything if they truly want it enough…" - said someone with rich parents. Merry Christmas everyone!

Paris...

Stuart, Tim, Andy and I had a lovely few days in Paris. We ate in some lovely restaurants, popped into a few bars, visited the Louis Vuitton Foundation exhibition space, walked along the Seine and visited the Champs-Élysées Christmas Market. Great fun.

Old Jokes Home...

An E-flat, a G-flat, and a B-flat walk into a bar. The bartender says "Sorry, we don't serve minors."

Q: Who lives at number 664?
A: The neighbour of the beast.

Q: What's the difference between a Taliban outpost and a Pakistani elementary school?
A: No idea. I just fly the drone.

Q: What's the difference between Ebola and Tulisa?
A: Ebola will finish you off.

Q: What was Whitney Houston's favourite kind of co-ordination?
A: Haaaannnnd eeeyyyeeee...

I popped into Tesco today and nicked all the baguettes.
It was a French stick-up.

I feared my wife had Tourette's, so I took her to a psychiatrist.
The good news? She's not got it.
The bad news? I am a cunt and she does want me to fuck off.

I went out with a cardboard cut-out once.
She dumped me though, because I stood her up.

Q: Why is Peter Pan always flying?
A: Because he neverlands.

f(x)=2x+1 walks into a bar.
The barman says "I'm sorry, we don't cater for functions."

Blink!...

Tree up. Weeping Angel! Don't blink!

Audrey 3...

Twigs carrying the spikey cabbage home aka Audrey 3.

The Merchant of Venice...

Last night Stuart and I went to see Rupert Gould's production of The Merchant of Venice at the Almeida Theatre in London's glitzy Islington.

Wow! What a show!

Set in a modern day Venetian-style Las Vegas casino complete with full-on Elvis impersonator, dancing girls, Southern-style accents and seasoned gamblers we were treated to a feast of song, dance and antisemitism. It was a brightly coloured free-cocktails-for-the-gamblers sort of night of delight, disgust and degradation.

We had been warned "that cap guns, herbal and e-cigarettes will be used in this performance." Well, that didn't even register in this high octane retelling of how the titular merchant Antonio (Scott Handy) falls foul of the Jewish moneylender Shylock (Ian McDiarmid).

Antisemitism is rife in our Las Vegas and Skylock - who has been treated and insulted terribly - defends himself and his religion not least with his powerful "Hath Not a Jew eyes?" speech.

Antonio borrows some money from Shylock to lend to his friend the valiant Bassanio (Tom Weston-Jones) so he in turn could woe fair air-head Portia (the outstanding Susannah Fielding). The woing goes well - via a hilarious reality game-show Destiny - but when the money needs to be paid back to Skylock Antonio falls short and the bond of a pound of flesh needs to be paid.

When the case comes to court Portia takes on the defense of her new husband's friend complete with Legally Blonde pink fluffy pen. Dressed as a man she delivers the famous and deeply moving speech about the quality of mercy to try and dissuade Shylock from his gruesome demand.

The quality of mercy is not strain'd,
It droppeth as the gentle rain from heaven
Upon the place beneath: it is twice blest;
It blesseth him that gives and him that takes.

But all is to no affect and the knives are sharpened - on both sides.

Last minute all is resolved in a rather distasteful way on a quibble with Skylock then sloping off utterly defeated and spat on and the lovers now mistrusting each other for their disguises and betrayals.

Suspicious Minds plays us out in the end.

Bravo. Viva Las Vegas.

Christmas is NOT banned...

The Daily Mail can relax. Impressive common sense from the Muslim Council of Britain.

Essex Xmas Party...

We had a super Essex Xmas party on Saturday at the Romford and Gidea Park Rugby Club. Dave was our new Santa Claus. Grumpy Santa had a year off. Enter stage left Overacting Santa. Ho ho ho.

Peru Galapagos Ecuador...

Here is a small collection of some of the photos I took on our trip to Peru, Galapagos and Ecuador. Large versions here.

LeCoq...

"...at LeCoq – we have been told that we have “enhanced” the neighbourhood. That means everything to us."

Too right ladies - our favourite local restaurant in Islington.

Jet Lag...

Jet lag is hitting hard. Bah!

Back Home...

Back in the UK after the most incredible adventure. Peru was lovely, the Ecuadorian rainforest beautiful and the Galapagos awe-inspiring.

Day 17 - Sun 7 December - Home...

We arrived at Heathrow about 4:20pm. Took the tube home. Journey’s end. Knackered.

Best. Holiday. Ever.

Day 16 - Sat 6 December - Quito...

We were collected from the hotel by Ana at 8:30am for our morning city tour of Quito.

We saw the Old Town, silver winged Mary on the top of the hill, various churches (including Iglesia De La Compania De Jesus), plazas, and the presidential residence.

Back at the hotel we printed out our boarding passes, had a spot of lunch and packed.

Later, we transferred to the airport for our flight to London via Madrid. The first flight was fairly smooth (Maltese Falcon + Sleep Aid).

Day 15 - Fri 5 December - Sasha Lodge to Quito...

A 4am start saw us start our trip back to Coca (the same way we had come by canoe). As we were traveling upstream the motorboat trip took over two hours.

At the Coca airport some poor lady got stuck in the lavatory. Made us laugh though!

The flight to Quito was fairly smooth and I got chatting with a couple from San Francisco who were off to Galapagos. I enthused.

Upon arrival at Quito, you were not met by Ana, our representative from South American Tours again. Our flight was an hour early but no one had told her. Again. Awful.

When she did show up she brought our luggage that we had left at the hotel in Tumbaco. We then transferred back to the Grand Mercure Alameda Hotel for an overnight stay.

Being the anniversary day in Quito on the Saturday there were parties in the streets and firework displays aplenty. Stu and I decided to venture out to Plaza Foch. The place was jumping with revelers. We happened upon a rainbow flag outside a bar in a side street and after returning to our hotel for ID went inside for a beer or two. $2 a litre was pretty damned reasonable and the music was good too.

On the walk home (we were advised to take a taxi but thought we'd live dangerously) we got offered cocaine, poppers, I got my crotch felt by a very heavily made-up transgender prostitute walking the other way and Stu bought a delicious burger from a dodgy looking street vendor. Normally Friday night in downtown Quito then!