Q: Who lives at number 664?
A: The neighbour of the beast.
Q: What's the difference between a Taliban outpost and a Pakistani elementary school?
A: No idea. I just fly the drone.
Q: What's the difference between Ebola and Tulisa?
A: Ebola will finish you off.
Q: What was Whitney Houston's favourite kind of co-ordination?
A: Haaaannnnd eeeyyyeeee...
I popped into Tesco today and nicked all the baguettes.
It was a French stick-up.
I feared my wife had Tourette's, so I took her to a psychiatrist.
The good news? She's not got it.
The bad news? I am a cunt and she does want me to fuck off.
I went out with a cardboard cut-out once.
She dumped me though, because I stood her up.
Q: Why is Peter Pan always flying?
A: Because he neverlands.
f(x)=2x+1 walks into a bar.
The barman says "I'm sorry, we don't cater for functions."