Quote Of The Day

"Victory goes to the player who makes the next-to-last mistake - Chessmaster Savielly Grigorievitch Tartakower (1887-1956)"

Thursday, April 14, 2011

No trouble, no trouble at all...

Advice to all employees on the proper use of Jonathan's time. As your System Administrator I am at your service. Just call Jonathan on his extension or on his mobile - day or night. He's just waiting for your call.

• Never write down any error messages. Just click "Ok" or restart your computer. Jonathan likes to guess what the error message was.
• When talking about your computer, use terms like "thingy" and "it".
• If you get an EXE file in an email attachment, open it immediately. Jonathan likes to make sure the anti-virus software is working properly from time to time.
• When sending someone your document via email, always assume that they have all the same software installed that you do.
• When Jonathan says he coming right over, log out and go for coffee. It's no problem for him to guess your password.
• When you call Jonathan to have your computer moved, be sure to leave it buried under half a ton of postcards, baby pictures, stuffed animals, dried flowers, bowling trophies and Popsicle sticks. Jonathan doesn't have a life, and he finds it deeply moving to catch a fleeting glimpse of yours.
• When Jonathan sends you an email marked as "Highly Important" or "Action Required", delete it at once. He's probably just testing some new email software feature, anyhow.
• When Jonathan is eating lunch at his desk or in the kitchen, walk right in and spill your guts and expect him to respond immediately. Jonathan exists only to serve and is always ready to think about fixing computers.
• When Jonathan is at the water cooler or outside taking a breath of fresh air, find him and ask him a computer question. The only reason he takes breaks at all is to ferret out all those employees who don't have email or a telephone.
• Send urgent email ALL IN UPPERCASE. The mail server picks it up and flags it as a rush delivery.
• When the photocopier doesn't work, call Jonathan. There's electronics in it, right?
• When you're getting a no internet access at your home computer, call Jonathan. He can even fix internet from remote locations too.
• Got a problem? Try saying either, "is something wrong with the system?" or "the Internet is down". That is all the infomation Jonathan needs to diagnose your problem. And fix it!
• When something is wrong with your home PC, dump it on Jonathan's chair with no name, no phone number, and no description of the problem. He just loves a good mystery.
• When you have Jonathan on the phone walking you through changing a setting; read the newspaper or type away saying nothing on your mobile texting your mates. Jonathan doesn't actually mean for you to DO anything; he just loves to hear himself talk.
• When the company offers training on an upcoming Windows or Office upgrade; don't bother to sign up. Jonathan will be there to hold your hand after it is done.
• When the printer won't print, resend the job at least 20 times. Print jobs frequently just disappear into the cosmos for no reason.
• When the printer still won't print after 20 tries, send the job to all the printers in the office. One of them is bound to work.
• Don't use online help. Online help is for wimps. Right?
• If you're taking night classes in computer science, feel free to demonstrate your fledgling expertise by updating the network drivers for you and all your co-workers. Jonathan will be grateful for the overtime when he has to stay until 2:30am fixing all of them.
• When Jonathan's fixing your computer at a quarter past one, eat your Whopper with cheese in his face. He functions better when he's slightly dizzy from hunger.
• Don't ever thank Jonathan. He loves fixing everything. And guess what? He actually gets paid for it!
• When Jonathan asks you whether you've installed any new software on your computer, lie. It's nobody's business what you've got on your computer.
• If the mouse cable keeps knocking down the framed picture of your dog, lift the computer and stuff the cable under it. Those skinny mouse cables were designed to have 20 kgs of computer monitor crushing on them.
• If the space bar on your keyboard doesn't work, blame Jonathan for not upgrading it sooner. Hell, it's not your fault that there's a half a pound of pizza crust crumbs, nail clippings, and big sticky drops of God knows what under the keys.
• When you get the message saying "Are you sure?", click on that "Yes" button as fast as you can. Hell, if you weren't sure, you wouldn't be doing it, would you?
• Feel perfectly free to say things like "I don't know nothing about that computer shit." It never bothers Jonathan to hear his area of professional expertise referred to as shit.
• When you need to add paper to the printer, call Jonathan. Changing the paper is an extremely difficult task, and both Hewlett Packard and Lexmark recommend that it be performed only by certified network administrators with lots of time on their hands.
• When you receive a 530-megabyte movie file, send it to everyone as a high-priority mail attachment. Jonathan's provided plenty of disk space and processor capacity on the new mail server just for those important kinds of things.
• Don't even think of breaking large print jobs down into smaller chunks. God forbid somebody else should sneak a one-page job in between your 427-page Excel spreadsheet.
• When you bump into Jonathan in the supermarket or in the street on the way home, ask him a computer question. He works 24/7, even while at Sainsbury's buying toilet paper.
• If your son is a student in computer science, have him come in on the weekends and do his projects on your office computer. Jonathan will be there for you when your son's illegal copy of Visual Basic makes your other Access databases keel over and die.
• When you bring Jonathan your own "no-name" brand home PC to repair for free at the office, tell him how urgently he needs to fix it so you can get back to playing Lara Croft. He'll get right on it right away because he has so much free time at the office. Everybody knows that all he does is surf the Internet all day anyway.

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