Jordan, UK: Day Twelve...

I barely slept our last night in Amman - excitement about going home, a strange door banging most of the night and a more than vague fear for the upcoming fight. The Marriott made up breakfast boxes for us as were leaving early and the transfer to the airport was easy. The flight was relatively calm (clear skies all the way) but I came down with a different kind of bump - on landing I got a call from the head office on my moby. Problems at work. So after dropping my stuff off at home I spent four hours in a freezing cold comms room trying to identify a dodgy cable connection. Not the best end to a lovely holiday to be honest.

Jordan: Day Eleven...

Another early start for us and we were off touring some of thousand year old castles and forts as we made our way up (or should I say down) to the Dead Sea. Four hundred metres below sea level we had finally descended to the lowest place on earth.

Once in the water we tried to swim but just ended up floating. I'd never really quite believed all those pictures of people floating but it's really true. You just bounce up to the surface. We naturally did the newspaper reading too. We even had a mud bath.

Having washed all (most?) of the mud and salt from ourselves we then drove up to Amman where we were to spend our last night before flying back home to the UK.

Jordan: Day Ten...

Up early, we made our way down the valley slopes to the ancient ‘hidden’ city of Petra. Josef dropped us off at the entrance and we engaged a guide, Ali. It was an incredible day with one wow after the other. It started off with us both horse-riding down to the narrow crack in the mountains known as the Siq. This then lead to a deep path winding down through the solid rock for a mile to reveal the truly amazing pink Treasury building carved out of the mountainside. It was crawling with tourists of course but we still managed to get some good photographs. It’s used in the final scene of Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade and it just gave you a pink glow being anywhere near it.

Further down the valley we saw an entire city carved out of the valley walls – all in brilliantly red sandstone, We saw magnificent Royal Tombs, an amphitheatre, temples and then climbed up 800 steps to the top of a further mountain to see another edifice carved out of the mountainside known as the Monastery. All quite incredible.

If you ever get a chance to come here, do.

Egypt, Israel and Jordan: Day Nine...

We were up at the crack of dawn in our Dahab hotel really and packed for our next adventure. This time it was to be three countries in one day: Egypt to Israel, twenty minutes or so crossing through Eilat and then on to Jordan. At the numerous checkpoints en route we pretended to be Australians – the Egyptian police were still a bit sore after the previous night’s drumming at footie.

The first guide we had for the day was Ahmed. He spend much of his time enlightening us on the virtues (pun intended) of a virgin bride and indeed the benefits of multiple wives.

Our transfer through Israel was efficient and quick. A rather lovely Scottish lady made it all very easy for us. Gosh, there was a lot of paper work to fill in though.

Once in Jordan a nice man called Josef collected us. We stopped off at a bureau de change to swap our Egyptian pounds into Jordan Dinars and at a pharmacy to pick up so antibiotics for Stu (he had picked up a tummy bug in Dahab.)

Then we drove to the rather magnificent mountainous Wadi Rum (a few hours inland) for a Bedouin lunch and a jeep safari into the neighbouring desert. The driver was a Bedouin guy and his son. We stopped off to take some tea with the guy’s extended family and then on to listen to some Bedouin music at a neighbouring tent. All very interesting and it was funny how all the kids gathered round us to point and laugh. They thought Stu and I were brothers at first and seem fascinated by our cropped hair and blue eyes.

The safari over we hopped back in the car and drove for a couple of hours on up to Petra to check into the Marriott hotel.

Egyptian Reggae - Jonathan Richman & The Modern Lovers...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gg7WG6tCbrw

Egypt: Day Eight...

Strange day this one. It didn’t start well. We got up and had a shower. Unfortunately we were both electrocuted in the shower. Ouch! 220 volts doesn’t really set you up well for the day. We think the extractor fan had a loose cable and touching the tap, the back wall or the shower shelf gave us a really vicious belt.

We complained – nicely - and were swapped (and upgraded) to a deluxe room. First thing we did was check the shower in the new room for electric shocks.
After breakfast Sami picked us up and took us to the famous diving location the Blue Hole. Here we picked up some masks and flippers and did some snorkelling. The coral shelf was pretty spectacular although not quite as good as that off the coast of Jeddah on the other side of the Red Sea.

Unfortunately it wasn’t my lucky day as I got a rather nasty gash from the coral that didn’t seem to want to stop bleeding. We had a bite to eat at a restaurant just off the beach where an Australian woman noticed by bleeding leg and produced an alcoholic spray, some brown antiseptic and a Band Aid. It rather put Sami’s neat lemon juice remedy to shame – both were much appreciated though.

We wanted to head back to the hotel to chill out after lunch but Sami was getting rather persistent with his suggestions of things to do. We had to be firm and say, “Take us back to the hotel.” He meant well, bless him, but we weren’t really getting through to him that we wanted some time alone.

Once we did get back to the hotel we checked out our new upgraded room, lounged around on oversized sun-loungers and swam in the infinity swimming pool. We even found a Jacuzzi, a sauna and a steam room to help us relax.

We then had a luxurious bath back in our room (we were definitely water babies this day) before changing for a beach side beer, a posh buffet and another early night.

Well, I say ‘early night’ I sneaked out to watch the England vs Egypt football game being shown on the hotel’s terrace bar. 3-1! Get in!

The Friends of Mr. Cairo - Jon and Vangelis...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6Ph8hNljOXE

Egypt: Day Seven...

We got up early on our last day in Cairo and met up with Sayed – our transitional rep – for our drive though the Sinai desert to Dahab. Sayed had two drivers for the minibus with him as Health and Safety (Egypt branch) dictated that drivers can only drive for four hours at a stretch and the trip was estimated up to eight hours (yeah, right!)

The trip was actually fairly uneventful taking over an hour to get out of Cairo and then largely involving hundreds of miles of desert roads. It was however quite exciting driving through the tunnel under the Suez canal. Oh yes, and we got a rear flat tyre in the middle of nowhere which wasn’t much fun. For starters the wheel wouldn’t come off the axle as it was too hot so we sat by the side of the road waiting for it to cool down. Thoughts of proceeding on camel crossed our minds but sadly no Bedouins or Lawrence of Arabia types came to our rescue.
Once we got those wing-nuts loosened, the wheel changed and everything tightened up we were on our way again - passing through a total of nine security checkpoints en route. At each one the driver would gesture his thumb back at us and say, “English”. The armed checkpoint guards seemed happy with this simple explanation and we were waved through.

Apparently American tourists are obliged to have a security guard with them at all times. The English are considered harmless and less of a kidnap threat I guess.

After nearly nine hours we were finally in Dahab. At a petrol station the local rep Sami joined the merry throng in the van. Budge up everyone. He seemed a nice enough guy and after Sayed and his drivers had all been suitably tipped, we were dropped off at the rather posh Le Meridien hotel to settle in and shower and change.

Our room seemed pretty fabulous (more of that later) with a sea view and we arranged to meet up with Sami early evening so he could show us around downtown Dahab.

We sussed out the best places to buy beer and settled upon the rather touristy Ali Baba restaurant on the front to eat - surrounded by cats, flashing lights, Bedouin kids begging and our rep playing gooseberry. The food was fine – only fine mind you – but we didn’t hang around too long. We fancied an early night.

Walk Like An Egyptian - The Bangles...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cjI4p8_NZVc

Egypt: Day Six...

Our friendly neighbourhood guide Abdo was there to meet our train at Giza station as we pulled in at 5:30am – the hero – and we were soon transferred and checked into the palatial Marriott Hotel in downtown Cairo. We even managed to get a couple of hours of shut-eye before our arranged meet with our favourite Egyptologist Hamdi at 10am. First on the agenda was Coptic Cairo – specifically The Roman Towers and The Hanging Church (so named as it was built high above the then ground-level upon a gate). Next we ventured uphill to The Citadel district and the impressive Turkish influenced Mosque of Mohammed Ali – complete with twinkling chandeliers and panorama view of the whole city. Finally we headed to the bustling Khan al-Khalili bazaar where thousands of local businesses vie for the tourist pound. All great fun but after all that walking we were ready for some rest.

We got back to the hotel for some nosh and on the way back to our room decided to have a quick hair-cut - a hair-cut that turned into an up-sellers dream of facials, shaving and exfoliation. D'oh! £75 later we felt great but also very poor.

An early night was ahead of us as it was to be another very early start in the morning. We were leaving Cairo and had a seven hour drive across the Sinai to look forward to.

Night Boat To Cairo - Madness...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PSTHMxBttlU&feature=player_embedded

Egypt: Day Five...

We took a day off from sightseeing today. We got up late, did a spot of sun-bathing by the pool and generally just enjoyed the rest. At the end of the day we gazed out across the Nile towards sunset past the Valley of the Kings on the opposite bank. Later on we got changed and headed for Luxor station for our second sleeper of the trip – a night train back up north to Cairo.

Unfortunately this was a miserable experience from start to finish. In the sleeper cabin next to us was a guy with a DVD playing at full blast. We were going to say something but as we opened the door to the corridor we saw that he had a very large automatic gun over his shoulder – the type you see in terrorist films. We careful reversed back into our cabin and closed the door deciding that caution was the better part of valour. Later on we discovered that there was a VIP in our carriage and that explained all the security personnel on board.

As if the noise of the DVD man wasn’t enough the top bunk in our cabin kept banging violently against the wall as the train progressed its way down the Nile so we ended up having no sleep whatsoever – despite taking something to knock ourselves out. Bah!

Egypt: Day Four...

It was an early start for our second day in Luxor – breakfast at 6am and then hitting the trail to the West Bank of the Nile. Our Egyptologist Ahmed was all smiles as he said he wanted to show us his favourite sites in Luxor. First was the Habu Temple – a huge structure with massive columns, brilliantly vivid hieroglyphics and what has to be the oldest surviving bathroom in history.

Next we visited the Al-Deir Al-Bahari Temple which had been partially restored by an American team. The temple had been built against a rock face and looked pretty dramatic. Originally the place had been constructed by the New Kingdom’s very own female fatale pharaoh Hatshepsut. By all accounts she was a pretty strict ruler and when her son-in-law/nephew/step-son (inter-marriage was big back then) Tuthmosis III took to the throne he had all her images chiselled off this temple. Actually he had her image chiselled off EVERY temple. The sort of ancient Egyptian equivalent of cutting people out of old photographs, I suppose.

Last, but by no means least, we visited The Valley Of The Kings. Looking rather like an old quarry the places was littered with entrances to tombs. The three we chose to visit were:

Ramses III - a beautifully decorated tomb with highly detailed depictions from The Book of Gates.

Tuthmosis III – this tomb was deep, colourful and in pretty good shape. The guy obvious loved his mother as they were both painted on the same boat in the burial chamber – a rare thing to do. He obviously died at short notice too because what with only 70 days to mummify the body they didn’t have time to properly carve the hieroglyphics – most were simple painted straight onto the walls.

Ramses IX – a very big tomb full of pictures of Ra, slaves and serpents from The Book of The Dead.

It had a real wow factor that valley I can tell you. Afterwards we headed back to the hotel to rest, eat and take it easy. You do a lot of walking on these site visits.

Egypt: Day Three...

The sleeper train from Cairo to Luxor was a bit of an adventure. Sure, it was comfortable enough but it’s hard to sleep properly when it’s all stop/start and side to side lurching. We were met at the Luxor train station by our second rep of the trip, Ahmed. Another minibus journey through Luxor’s pleasant and sun drenched streets and we were in our palatial hotel beside the Nile called, appropriately enough, the Nile Palace Hotel.

First we had lunch by the pool before heading off to do a bit of exploring. For this we had engaged another Egyptologist, also named Ahmed, who took us to the rather wonderful Karnak Temple (a massive structure on the Nile) followed by equally impressive Luxor Temple in the downtown area.

Both temples were upwards of three thousand years old and furnished with numerous obelisks, pylons, sphinxes and hieroglyphics covered walls telling tales of Hatshepsut and Tuthmosis III (more of these two later), Ra the sun god and various Pharaohs through the ages. All pretty amazing stuff, I can tell you.

Having had our full for the day of Egyptian antiquities we headed back to the hotel for some supper and an early night. For tomorrow we would be doing the West Bank.

Egypt: Day Two...

What a day this turned out to be! We were up early to pack and to grab some of the carefully selected buffet breakfast in the Mena House Hotel’s palatial dining rooms. We’d heard many tales of Egyptian belly so were picking the safest options (avoiding peeled fresh fruit and things that had obviously been washed in local water). This culinary pickiness was confirmed by our tour guide Abdo, who we meet later down in the lobby, with the simple explanation that Egyptian water had too much purifying chlorine added to it and so was disagreeable to Western tastes. An argument that seemed slightly self-serving but was delivered with such a broad smile we could not help but take it was the truth.

We had engaged an Egyptologist for the day whose name was Hamdi. He was a pretty friendly chap and soon put us at our ease. Once aboard the Egypt Lady van we drove all of sixty seconds to the Pyramids proper (I told you it was close!)

We had the full statistical tour chat from Hamdi (the largest of the three pyramids has two million blocks, weighs six million tons, was built by farmers not slaves etc.) took our snaps, fended off the annoyingly persistent touts and climbed up one or two of the levels on the Great Pyramid. The tourist police let you get to level three before blasting their whistles at you to climb no further. The middle sized Pyramid we decided to enter. Crouching down we scrabbled in. It was hot, humid and really rather fun. No cameras were allowed in sadly. Well, not officially anyway. Tee hee.

We when drove round to the panorama location for the obligatory tourist snaps. Sadly, it had just started to rain but we didn’t let that spoil the view or our excitement. Hamdi knew just the right places to stand and suggested one or two fun shots to take too. An old hand at this obviously.

Back in the van we circled round to see the Sphinx. Carved from a solid piece of rock this noseless guardian of the Pyramids was as large as it was impressive.

After that four and half thousand year old spectacle we dropped by a Papyrus factory to see another one. We watched a demo of how the plant gets peeled, sliced, soaked, laid out and pressed to form the ancient paper material. I ended up buying a couple of replicas too. Well, you would, wouldn’t you?

Then it was on to The Egyptian Museum to get what was the merest whiff of some of the treasures it contained. Numerous antiquities were on display from statues, vases and mummies to Tutankhamen’s death mask and his solid gold coffin. It was quite some collection. We were both rather surprised at quite how easy it was to touch the exhibits though - forbidden to do so but the finger stains told a different story. In fact one of the Egyptologists we spoke to thought that both France and Britain should hang on to their Egyptian treasures until the new Egyptian Museum is completed (it’s currently under construction). Prime example cited was the Rosetta Stone. “Keep it for now”, he said, “It’ll be safer.”

After the wow factor of the museum we headed for a bite to eat at the downtown and rather down market Egypt Lady hotel – a rather tacky experience to be honest made even more bizarre when the heavens opened and the rain poured through the roof into the restaurant. We scrabbled to the bar for cover but the rain just kept on coming down - in buckets. On advice we left for the train station early just in case there were any weather related delays. Cairo traffic is pretty much the worst I have ever seen in my life – add to this the torrential rain, the mud and the weekend crowds - it made the traffic in Blade Runner look like a ride in the countryside. It was bumper to bumper gridlock all the way to the station. It got so late that we had to abandon our minibus and leg it down the dimly lit mud slide that was highway 1, jumping a spike covered wall to make it to the station on time. Once there we ended up waiting for two hours on the platform anyway as all the trains were delayed. Grrr. Still, at least we hadn’t missed our train.

When the train finally arrived, we climbed aboard and prepared ourselves for a night in a sleeper cabin and the 500 mile journey down south to Luxor. What a day!

Egypt: Day One...

We packed for our holiday rather late - as usual. As you may know, dear Reader, I detest flying so anything to delay the inevitable trip to the airport gets my subconscious plotting like softie Walter trying to avoid bumping into Dennis the Menace on the way to school. These tardiness tactics included the multiple rechecking where my passport was – still safely secured in my left front pocket some hours previously - the endless questioning of Stuart over what clothes to take, “should take TWO pairs of jeans or one?” and the desperate last minute time-waster “I’m just going to have a shave.” Again.

In spite all of this procrastination we made it to Heathrow T3 a good three hours before the flight was due to leave. Damn you subconscious. You must try harder next time.

The flight was a code share. So whilst we’d booked with BMI we were actually due to enjoy the delightful service as provided by almost bottom leaguers Egypt Air. Check-in was a breeze however and luckily the Egyptian national carrier had ditched most of their dodgy Russian-bought fleet so we were actually boarded upon a relatively safe Boeing 777/300. Joy on joy the flight was half empty too so take-off was on time and the on board food service fast.

The single central aisle-shared video screen left something to be desired in the in-flight entertainment department but we coped. On that note, does Sandra Bullock EVER make a good film these days?

The flight lasted five hours and passed without much incident. The landing was a little bumpy but then that was to be expected what with all the cloud cover. Yes, we were flying into a desert region that had a weather forecast of heavy rain for two days. Ugh.
The guy from Egypt Uncovered who met us at Cairo’s new terminal was called Abdo. He was very charming if a little over-friendly in that tour guide kind of way. The van that picked us up was called Egypt Lady. Quite.

The hotel we were booked into was called the Mena House Hotel and was in Giza. It was a grand, gold leafed hotel with what could only be described as an intimate view of The Pyramids. They were pretty much in the hotel’s back garden.

As it was getting close to midnight we simply grabbed a nightcap in the lobby bar (G&T and a beer came to just under £20 sterling - who said Egypt was cheap?) before heading to our room for a good night’s sleep.

Egypt - Kate Bush...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VlzZM4bbFZA

Bass-o-matic - Fascinating Rhythm...

Gosh, I love this song. Good old William Orbit.

(Got ya) (Devastating) Give me some of that bass line on your stereo / Give me the funky rhythm and we're ready to go / A little something for the heart, some medicine for the soul / And now we got it under full control.

Doctor Who coming Easter 2010...

Watch the new trailer here.
[Removed - but check out Doctor Who on iPlayer!]

iPad vs Blu-tak...

 

Depeche Mode...

Last night Paul, Simon, Stu and I went to see Depeche Mode to the O2 Arena. TfL ("tough f*cking luck"?) had decided to close the the Overground, the Jubilee Line AND the North Greenwich Bus Garage so we were rather stymied for options for getting to the gig. We ended up getting buses, tubes, DLR and eventually a boat to get there. Grrr.

Anyway, the gig was fab; loud, brash and full of sing-along hits. We loved it.

The set list was:
In Chains
Wrong
Hole to Feed
Walking in My Shoes
It's No Good
A Question of Time
Precious
World In My Eyes
Freelove
Home
Miles Away/The Truth Is
Policy of Truth
In Your Room
I Feel You
Enjoy the Silence
Never Let Me Down Again

Encore:
A Question of Lust
Stripped
Behind the Wheel
Personal Jesus

Gary's Party / RVT...

Last Sunday was Gary's birthday so we all headed down to the RVT for a party. A lovely end to a lovely weekend.

A Well-Bred Person...

A well-bred person appears in print on only three occassions: birth, marriage, and death. "Yes, darling," he said, "but I'm not that well-bred."

A Small Crucifiction...

It was a fantastic weekend just gone; party on a boat, party in club, Duckie, Carpet Burn, S*L*A*G*S*. As I was leaving Carpet Bun a man nudged me and whispered in my ear, "we are having a small Crucifiction after. Hope you can make it."

Where is that web site hosted?...

Every wondered where is that web site is hosted? Look no further. http://geotool.flagfox.net/

iPad mini...

Sources in Cupertino have exclusively confirmed that Apple intends to follow up its anticipated iPad success with a miniature, pocket-sized version boasting added voice technology. "The iPad's a great device," an executive familiar with the matter said yesterday. "But think how great it would be if you could carry it in your pocket. And it's got a SIM card in it - which opens up an exciting prospect, that you'd be able to call people up on their actual phones."

But what would this elusive Unicorn of a device possibly be called?

The Triplets...

I went over to see Ben, Sarah, Dylan, Eve and Lola the other Friday. We had a great time playing in the park. The kids are so chatty and so much fun to be with. Bless.

MPs call for jobs blow to be reversed...

Best headline of 2009. http://www.peterboroughtoday.co.uk/news/mps-call-for-jobs-blow.5919884.jp

Aliens Rap...

This is simply fabulous. The film Aliens told as a rap with clever lines of dialogue completing the rhyme.

What's brown and kills babies?...

What's brown and kills babies?...

John Terry's wallet.

Laser Fusion...

A major hurdle to producing fusion energy using lasers has been swept aside, results in a new report show. "It's going to happen this year." Yay, for clean energy!

Mimó - Will You Be There?...

Following a great response to Running Out in the blogosphere, Mute's latest synth-pop sensation Mimó release Will You Be There?, the debut single, on 8th February 2010. But just who is Mimó I hear you ask? Why, it's our own, our very own Mr Andy Bell.

Why all the secrecy up until now? Well, Andy was keen to release his new solo material under a pseudonym and chose the name Mimó as a tribute to his friend Tomeau Mimó. Sadly however there is already a musician working as Mimo who has legally challenged Andy's right to use a variation of that name for this project, so from this point forwards all further releases will be come out under Andy's own name.

Will You Be There? is produced by pop maestro Pascal Gabriel (Dido, Kylie, Ladyhawke) and capturing the essence of the dance floor classics and unforgettable pop anthems that made his name, the single includes remixes by Seamus Haji, Sonic C and French Horn Rebellion, which push the boundaries of club classics.

TRACK LISTING
Will You Be There? (Original Mix)
Will You Be There? (Seamus Haji Big Love Radio Edit)
Will You Be There? (French Horn Rebellion Mix)
Will You Be There? (Sonic C Vocal Mix)
Will You Be There? (Seamus Haji Big Love Remix)

For those of you who may have missed it here's Running Out and Running Out (VEGA Italo Dub Mix)

The debut album from MiMó will be released in 2010.

Tim's Birthday Kazbar...

On Sunday Stu and I headed down to the Kazbar in Clapham to help Tim, along with this lovely friends and family, celebrate his birthday. Great fun.

Snaps here.

Kinetica Art Fair...

On Sunday we walked down to P3 opposite Madame Tussauds to see the Kinetica Art Fair. It was great fun. Lot's of moving art, light shows and optical illusion art.

Kinetica Art Fair is produced by Kinetica Museum and is the first of its kind in the UK. It provides collectors, curators and the public with a unique opportunity to view and purchase artworks from leading contemporary arts organisations and artists specialising in kinetic, electronic, robotic, light, sound, time-based and interdisciplinary new media art.

[Thanks for the recommendation David]

War Horse...

Last night Stu, Mark, Mark's work mate Sarah and I went to the New London Theatre Drury Lane in London's glitzy West End to see War Horse.

It would be difficult to imagine a production of greater ambition and complexity - for all the animals in the show, including the full-sized horses, are puppets.

One soon gets used to this grand deceit though and accept the sight of two men in a horse body and someone moving the head - for these are no pantomime horses. They are intricately contrived mechanical devices that manage to convey a horse's movements and mannerisms perfectly. So much so that one soon forgets that they are puppets and the story begins to shine through. And what a story it is.

Based on Michael Morpurgo's best-selling book War Horse recounts the adventures of a horse, Joey, as he moves from life on a farm into the battles of World War 1 on the Western Front. It is a story of a friendship lasting through the toughest of tests.

In the First World War, along with the dreadful toll of human lives, there were other casualties too – some two million horses. They were used as cavalry horses, for pulling guns and ambulances; in the battlefields of the Western Front they were essential to the armies on both sides. At the end of the war most of our surviving horses were sold off to French butchers.

A powerful story, well told.

And, no, I didn't blub. Although many did.

Get Lost: A Survivor's Guide...

Series six of Lost begins tomorrow night at 9pm on Sky1. Can't wait. But for those you who have maybe either not watched it, have forgotten what has happened thus far, or indeed are just plain confused by the labyrinthine plot here is a quick survivor's guide.

Series one
On a flight from Sydney to Los Angeles, Oceanic flight 815 crash-landed on a deserted Pacific island, leaving 48 survivors, including: handsome doctor Jack, sexy fugitive Kate, smouldering conman Sawyer, miraculously cured paraplegic Locke, former Iraqi torturer Sayid, heroin-addicted rock star Charlie, overweight lottery winner Hurley and a dog called Vincent. Jack and Kate looked like getting frisky on the beach where the survivors made their camp, but Kate was also attracted to the roguish Sawyer. In the meantime, the jungle started spewing forth smoke monsters and hungry polar bears. Locke discovered a hatch in the ground somewhere in the jungle and spent most of the series trying vainly to open it.

Series two
Some survivors from the other half of the plane – which crashed across the island – trekked to the beach to find their fellow passengers, only to spend the rest of series two getting killed one by one. The "Others", the original inhabitants of the island who'd been snooping around killing and/or kidnapping survivors, lived in holiday chalets and were led by Ben, a budget version of Kevin Spacey doing "sinister". Locke blew the hatch open and found angry Scotsman Desmond down in the island's concrete catacombs, listening to records and pressing a button to prevent the destruction of the world (don't ask). Locke decided not to press the button. The world sort of ended – well, the sky went all white for a minute or two.

Series three
Desmond woke up seeing the future – specifically, that Charlie was going to die, and there was nothing he could do to stop it. Charlie died. Meanwhile, Jack, Kate and Sawyer were taken prisoner by the Others. Jack agreed to operate on Ben's cancerous kidney. Kate and Sawyer got freaky. Jack got friendly with Juliet, one of the Others, then helped Kate and Sawyer escape. Locke dumped his friends and started hanging out with the Others. Locke and Ben went to see a ghost called Jacob in a hut in the jungle. Then Ben shot Locke because he felt threatened by how chummy he was getting with the other Others. (Ben is deeply insecure.) A freighter arrived to take the survivors home. Or did it...?

Series four
Four sciencey people from the freighter landed on the island in a helicopter, but they were more interested in finding Ben than they were in saving the Oceanic survivors. And it turns out the sciencey people weren't the only ones on the freighter; there were also a band of mercenaries sent by the villainous Charles Widmore (Jim from 'Neighbours'), hell bent on killing everyone. But Sayid and the Others somehow kicked their asses anyway. Claire disappeared in the jungle. Like, literally disappeared. Locke took over leadership of the Others. Ben pulled an underground lever and moved the island. Like, literally moved it. The sky went all white again. Some of the survivors were in the helicopter when the island moved, so they crash-landed in the ocean, only to be rescued by Desmond's girlfriend, Penny, in her posh boat. Penny, incidentally, happens to be the daughter of Jim from 'Neighbours' – sorry, I mean "Charles Widmore".

Series five
Jack, Kate, Hurley, Sun, Sayid and Claire's baby returned to the mainland claiming they were the only survivors of the crash. Sayid became a hitman. Hurley became a nutjob. Jack became an alcoholic, then persuaded the rest of his reluctant friends to return to the island. On the island, things went mental. The characters kept involuntarily flashing through time, which gave some of them killer nosebleeds. Eventually, they were stuck in the 1970s, where they pretended to be part of the Dharma initiative. We met two guys who'd been on the island for a very long time. One wore white and was called Jacob. One wore black and wanted to kill Jacob. Ben and Locke killed Jacob instead. Faraday, one of the sciencey guys from the freighter, decided to detonate a hydrogen bomb and destroy all the magnetic energy that caused the plane crash in the first place, which would reset the clocks and put everyone back where they started, on that flight to LA. After a lot of shooting, grenade-throwing and so forth, the bomb fell down a hole, where Juliet banged it with a rock. The sky went all white. Again.

The Equality Bill...

So the Pope is coming over to the UK and has fired off a few salvoes about how equality can go too far, huh? So what's got his goat?

Well, the Equality Bill is currently making it's way through Parliament. The Bill contains an Equality Duty that will require public bodies to think about different groups when planning and delivering services. There are already duties which currently cover disability, gender and race - the Equality Bill will replace these with a new duty which will also include religion and belief, age, sexual orientation, pregnancy and maternity, and gender reassignment in full.

Scary, isn't it? Equality. Well, scary for those who remain in power through the politics of fear.

Queer Question Time...

Last Friday night Darren and I went down to the RVT to watch Queer Question Time. It was a fun old night. The trans-community were feeling sorely aggrieved because the allegedly transphobic Julie Bindel was on the panel. Consequently there was a fairly well-attended and vocal demonstration outside the venue with the police on hand.

The panel in full were:
Ken Livingstone, former Mayor of London
Julie Bindel, freelance journalist and political activist
Jonathan Fryer, writer, broadcaster, LibDem politician
Shazia Mirza, comedian & writer
David Gold, Conservative parliamentary candidate for Eltham

The night was at times chaotic to be honest with frequent interruptions by a few people inside the venue who seemed to want Ms Bindel to answer for some of her 'hate crimes' against transgender people (their words not mine.) It is always interesting to see people struggling for the moral high ground at events like this.

The arguments still roll on and on but one thing is for sure - I'll be going back to the next QQT.

One ray of hope was found amongst all the shouting and insults though when Mark Healey (organiser of the London Hate Crime Vigil in Trafalgar Square) asked a question...

Uniform Party...

 

Jerusalem...

Last night Stu and I went to see Jerusalem at the Apollo Theatre in London's glitzy West End. It was long play with three acts, two intervals but gripping and very, very funny throughout. A sort of 'Shameless in the woods'.

In Jerusalem, Mark Rylance portrays Johnny Byron, a local man who finds himself in high demand in all corners of the community and not for good reasons. The story takes place on St George’s Day in which a fair has arrived in town for all to enjoy – but with everyone wanting a piece of him, it is only his children that want him to go on the rides. A look around town will highlight the local police, who are after Johnny to put him behind bars for what they perceive to be the activities of a modern day Pied Piper. Elsewhere, the local council wish to have him evicted from his home; Troy Whitworth wants to provide him with a good beating and even his friends are in on the action, wanting to get hold of him so that they can provide him with the normal cocktail of booze and drugs.

The staging involved live chickens, a live tortoise and goldfish and several real trees surrounding an onstage caravan.

Highly recommended.

iPad...

So, the Jesus tablet is finally upon us. Apple announced it's long-awaited iPad yesterday in the States. It's feature set looks interesting - but not revolutionary. Will it change the world? Probably not. Will techies want one? Of course.

The specs are:
9.7 inch (25cm) multi-touch display
1 GHz Apple processor
16, 32 or 64 GB of flash memory
0.5in (1.25cm) thick
Weighs 1.5lbs (0.7kgs)
Wi-fi, bluetooth and 3G connectivity
Speaker, microphone
Accelerometer, compass
Battery life of 10 hours? We'll see on that one.

The cheapest iPad, which will come with 16GB of flash memory and wi-fi will cost $499. The most expensive version, with 64GB of storage and the ability to connect via a mobile 3G signal, will cost $829.

Lou Reed had ECT for being 'gay'...

Born in 1942 into a Jewish family in Brooklyn, the teenage Lou Reed was subjected to electroconvulsive therapy to “cure” his homosexuality. His parents ordered this as they were "disturbed by his developing homosexuality."

Reed wrote about the experience in his 1974 song, "Kill Your Sons" and also is quoted as saying, "They put the thing down your throat so you don't swallow your tongue, and they put electrodes on your head. That's what was recommended in Rockland County to discourage homosexual feelings. The effect is that you lose your memory and become a vegetable. You can't read a book because you get to page 17 and have to go right back to page one again."

Reed we went on to work as a house songwriter for Pickwick Records before finding cult fame with art-rock band The Velvet Underground. Post-VU, he released a succession of acclaimed albums, most significantly 1972’s ‘Transformer’, whose themes of drug use and cross-dressing chimed with the mood of the glam-rock movement spearheaded by his friend David Bowie.

Four Lions...

Chris Morris, the genius-man behind The Day Today, Brass Eye and Blue Jam, has spent the last few years researching and making a film about some hapless British would-be terrorists. The film is called Four Lions and has premièred at the Sundance Festival in the States.

Goldfrapp - Rocket...

Fantastic early '80s American synth-driven singer/songwriter mid-tempo pop; Christopher Cross's Ride Like The Wind, Van Halen's Jump and Journey's Don't Stop Believin'.

Radio Gaga...

Some's having fun with Lady Gaga http://www.raraahahahromaromamagagaoohlala.com/

100 Games Cup Cakes...

Can you guess the 100 games represented on the 100 cup cakes? http://www.steelheadstudio.com/100cupcakes/

Banksy - Exit Through The Gift Shop...

Arsenal 4 - 2 Bolton...

Sam and I went to the Emirates last night to watch Arsenal make a brilliant comeback from 0-2 down to win 4-2 and so go top of the Premiership League. Goals came from Rosicky (43), Fabregas (52), Vermaelen (65) and Arshavin (85).

Avatar...

Stu, me and the gang went to see a 3D cartoon last night - James Cameron's Avatar at the BFI IMAX.

Starring the rather lovely Sam Worthington (as Jake) it tells the story of him 'becoming' an Avatar and using it to interact with the Na'vi - a tall blue computer-generated race who inhabit the strange blue computer-generated planet of Pandora. Initially Jake's working for the evil RDA trying to exploit the ridiculously named mineral Unobtainium but then he inevitably goes native.

Ok, so the plot is thin as paper and the film way, way too long but it looks great.

Reminded me a bit of Titan A.E.

A sequel or two in the offing? As Cameron said last week, "Yes, there'll be another."

You say potato, I say ghoughpteighbteau...

Ghoughpteighbteau? It's an example of a constructed word, used for illustration of irregularities in spelling in English. It is a respelling of the word 'potato', and like potato is pronounced /poʊˈteɪtoʊ/.

It has:
gh, pronounced /p/ as in hiccough /ˈhɪkəp/;
ough, pronounced /oʊ/ as in though /ðoʊ/;
pt, pronounced /t/ as in ptomaine /ˈtoʊmeɪn/;
eigh, pronounced /eɪ/ as in neigh /neɪ/;
bt, pronounced /t/ as in debt /dɛt/;
eau, pronounced /oʊ/ as in bureau /ˈbjʊəroʊ/.

Goldfrapp - Head First...

Goldfrapp's new album Head First will be out in March - preceded by the single Rocket. Like Felt Mountain, Head First will feature 9 tracks. An unmixed version of the album will be sent to journalists this month.

Here is the track-listing :
1. Rocket
2. Alive
3. Believer
4. Dreaming
5. Shiny and warm
6. I wanna life
7. Head First
8. Voicething

I Protest!...

More here.

I Promised Myself...

I love this song! Starting with the Nick Kamen original here are just some of the versions I've found. Enjoy!

Nick Kamen's original version


Jose Galisteo


Dead Or Alive


Nick Kamen (2004)


A*Teens (love this camp boys' mime)


John Davies


Basshunter

Magic Roundabout...

Only in the United Kingdom would you find a large roundabout with five mini-roundabouts. (Not to be confused with the "Magic Roundabout"s in Colchester, Hemel Hempstead or High Wycombe – or, for that matter, this "Magic Roundabout".)

In 2005, it was voted the worst roundabout in a survey by UK insurance company Saga Motor Insurance. In September 2007, the Magic Roundabout was named as one of the World's Worst Junctions by UK motoring magazine Auto Express. In December 2007, BBC News reported a survey identifying The Magic Roundabout as one of the "10 Scariest Junctions in the United Kingdom". However the roundabout provides a better throughput of traffic than other designs and has a better safety record.

Only in the UK, right?

Space:1899

Very funny spoof of Space:1999.

Sunday Madness...

Last Sunday Hudd, Mark, Andy, myself, Chris, Andy, Tim, Guy, Darren, Stu, Bryn, Kevin, Michael and Andrew all went out for a bite to eat. But it didn't stop there! Great fun.

Cirque Du Soliel's Varekai...

Last night Stu and I went to see Cirque Du Soliel's Varekai at the Royal Albert Hall. We'd not seen a CdC show before and I hope I don't damn it with faint praise by saying that it was exactly what I expected it to be. A circus show. A spectacular circus show.

The Evening Standard review summed it up very well; At its best Varekai is an exhilarating experience. It has dazzle, imagination, gravity-defying stunts, even a smattering of eroticism. What it needs, perhaps, is more soul.

Apparently Varekai is the Romany word for "wherever", and this characteristically elaborate spectacle by the Canadian company Cirque du Soleil, written and directed by Dominic Champagne, plays with traditional imagery of wandering, rootlessness and flight. The show in fact begins limply, with some charmless clowning and a squeaky-voiced sprite thanking the corporate backers. It relapses a couple of times into mediocrity, notably when yet another clown turns Jacques Brel's imploring "Ne me quitte pas" into a piece of spotlit slapstick. However, there is a huge amount to admire: beautifully costumed by Eiko Ishioka, the production features thrilling trapeze work, moments of balletic poise, a man on crutches moving more athletically than anyone on Britain's Got Talent, and a juggler who treats Panama hats as if they are boomerangs.There may be a story of sorts - loosely connected to the myth of Icarus - but the emphasis is on acrobatic moves and slick choreography. The cast's physical feats are so accomplished that one can lose sight of the risks they involve. Some sections are overlong, and the soundtrack, reminiscent of Claude Challe's Buddha Bar compilations, is cloying. But the visual feast is rich.

The highlight for me was the brothers Andrew and Kevin Atherton, swooping dramatically from the roof on lithe elastic straps.

Hypnotic Tango - My Mine...

I've always loved this song. Even with it's much-sampled chorus.

28 Days Later in one minute, in one take...

I so love this clip. And the music. The best of the 'in One Minute' movies IMHO.

New Year's Eve 2009...

Stu, Darren, Mark, Chris, Hudd and I had a fantastic time on New Year's Eve. We celebrated at home first with some dinner, then headed into town for midnight. The Duke Of Wellington was our first and, as it turns out, our only port of call in Soho. My high point - dancing to I Gotta Feeling.

On the way home we decided to pop into the King Edward VI in Angel for a snifter. Messy? Sure. But fun.

Below is a montage of some of the snaps I took. Click here for bigger versions.

Enhance...

A tribute to all those films that try to 'enhance' the impossibly blurry surveillance footage.

My Favourite Jokes for 2009...

Q: Who's the nicest man in a hospital?
A: The ultra-sound man
-----------------------------
Q: Who covers his shifts while he's away?
A: The hip-replacement guy.
-----------------------------
Q: What do you call a tellytubby who has been burgled?
A: A tubby.
-----------------------------
Q: What is Grand Master Flash's favourite website?
A: Wik wik wiki wikipedia.
-----------------------------
Q: What's brown and rhymes with Snoop?
A: Dr. Dre
-----------------------------
Q: How do find Will Smith when he's lost in the snow?
A: You look for the fresh prints.
-----------------------------
Q: What do you call a Mexican peeping-tom?
A: Senor Minge.
-----------------------------
My Uncle was a terrible ventriloquist.
When I was little he used to put his
hand up my arse and tell me to keep quiet.
-----------------------------
Remember – drinking alcohol can seriously harm your baby.
Especially if you're in Portugal and can't be arsed to pay for a babysitter.
-----------------------------

When on holiday, I like to show everyone just how British I am by offering them heroin out of my suitcase
----------------
Really, I like to show how British I am by losing one of my children.
----------------
I'm Austrian my children don't go on holidays.
----------------
I'm Nigerian, I try and stop my children going on holidays, especially to America.
----------------
I'm Pakistani and I've been on holiday in Britain for 27 years now.
----------------
I'm Brazilian and I avoid the Tube when on holiday.
----------------
I'm Chinese and our regulations for holiday luggage can be really strict.
----------------
I'm French and I surrender
----------------
I'm American and I don't get it.
-----------------
I'm Maddie, and I'm still on holiday!

[Feel free to reuse these and pass these off as your own - I did!]

Legally Blonde: The Musical...

Last night Stu, Marcus, Richard and I had VIP tickets to see Legally Blonde: The Musical at the Savoy Theatre.

We'd almost seen it in New York a couple of years ago - and now I wish we had. It was fab; way better than we'd thought it was going to be. We laughed. A lot.

Shedian Smith as Elle Woods was excellent (which we'd half expected having been wowed by her in Little Shop Of Horrors a couple of years ago) as was Alex Gaumond, Duncan James (yes, him from Blue), Peter Davidson (yes, him from Doctor Who) and Jill Halfpenny (what a revelation she was!)

Coming from the same pen that wrote the dire Batboy: The Musical I had a bad feeling about the show - but how wrong I was; the songs were good, the lyrics funny and the dancing top notch. And the dogs were very sweet.

Best bit: The song There! Right There! with the refrain "Gay or European?" to the tune of something resembling Beauty and the Beast's Gaston.

Go see.

Christmas Party ft the surliest Santa ever...

On Sunday before Christmas Stuart and I went to Upminster to meet up with the gang for Christmas lunch at The West Lodge, Essex.

Just like last year it was great fun; eating, drinking, dancing and 'Pete, the Music Man' (think Raw Sex).

Making a welcome come back was grumpy Santa Claus to entertain the kids. This year he was more surly than grump though - having been on the sauce since 11am. Stuart doesn't really like kids which is of course why we made him do it. He is, officially, the surliest Santa ever. Needless to say he was brilliant!



Click on the image below to be taken to the full set of photos.

Those Dead Windows 7 / Family Guy Special Videos...

Slade - Merry Xmas Everybody...

Neutra Face..

Arsenal 3 - 0 Hull...

What an amazing day we had on Saturday! I'd successfully won a charity bid for an Executive Box at the Emirates Stadium to watch Arsenal take on Hull so took many of my nearest and dearest to join in the fun. The box was amazing - more like a hotel room - great view of the pitch, free booze, Christmas crackers, free programs, heated, LCD TV, waitress...

The game itself was OK too. A bit of a struggle in the first half but an on-pitch fight soon livened things up. We scored, a soft penalty was easily saved my Almunia and it was all downhill for Hull from there. We ended up winning 3-0.

The gang met up at the Hen and Chickens for pre-match beers and went to The Gunners afterwards to unwind. I'd asked everyone who came along to chip in £20 so we could top £1000 for the NSPCC. So thanks to Paul, Barry, Martyn, Simon, Mark, Allegra, Suzie, Matt, Al, Ben, Sam and Jim.

Montage below but click here for more snaps.

Overcoming Obstacles with Spunk!...

Overcoming Obstacles with Spunk!. No really. A genuine book about developing a positive attitude (apparently).

http://www.amazon.co.uk/exec/obidos/ASIN/0981621023/b3ta-21 

Loving the naughty Amazon customer tags though!

Tags Customers Associate with This Product
monkey custard (17) population paste (15) spunk (11) nyum nyum nyum (9) tadpoles (8) baby gravy (6) baby batter (1) barclays bank (1) blurt splurt (1) bukkake (1) clunge juice (1) come (1) comedy (1) creamy goodness (1) dirty yoghurt (1) duck butter (1) facial (1) gentlemens relish (1) gism (1) glooping (1) hand shandy (1) handy-j (1) knob yoghurt (1) man fat (1) man jam (1) man made milkshake (1) man milk (1) milm (1) national hunt (1) nut butter (1) pram filler (1) protein stain (1) salty snot (1) semen (1) spooge (1) spuff (1) tatty water (1) todger tapioca (1) trunk junk (1) white wee-wee (1)

A Helping Hand at Christmas...

Carol Singing...

A bunch of us from work went down to Spitalfields Market in glamorous East London last night to do some carol singing (sinning?) to raise money for the NSPCC. We murdered all the classics of course but it was all for a good cause. A few passers-by joined in which was nice and we ended up with a couple of buckets full of cash - some £5 and £10 notes too!

It was ruddy cold down there so we put on loads of layers - which sort of made us look like Weebles.

Sandi Toksvig's Christmas Cracker...

Matt organised tickets for us to see Sandi Toksvig's Christmas Cracker at the Royal Festival Hall last night. Oh dear. Not so much a cracker as a damp squib. We were laughing 'at' not 'with'. Over-long and half-baked.

Sandi Toksvig is funny. But this certainly ain't. A rag bag of singers, lame jokes, a 3rd rate magican, a piss-poor send up of a Christmas Carol - and terrible lighting cues and crap sound didn't help. Stephen Mangan was tragically misused as Scrooge.

Even Ronnie Corbett and his dated jokes couldn't resuscitate this dying turkey.

Avoid.

Word to the wise: at after-show party... gush! Thesbians have uber fracile egos. Saying "that was crap" doesn't go down well!

Brussels and Antwerp...

Stu and I have just been to Belgium for a long weekend. Stu had never been before so we jumped on the Eurostar and before we knew it were there.

Brussels was cool. We ate mussels, drank beer and milled (and mulled) about town.

Antwerp was even better; the Christmas market excellent, the Santa race was fun, we sat in a bar watching the ice-skaters and the twinkling lights in the square in front of the cathedral.

Liverpool 1-2 Arsenal...

Arsenal defender Thomas Vermaelen on Arsene Wenger's angry half-time team-talk that inspired the Gunners' comeback: "I've never seen him before like that and we reacted very well. It was very important for us to win today - we have closed the gap a little bit and we are back in the race I think."

Or as Paul and I used to say: PBYC! (Play Better You C*nts!)

Best Selling Singles of the Decade...

A list of the best selling singles of the decade.
01. Will Young (Evergreen)
02. Gareth Gates (Unchained Melody)
03. Shaggy (Wasn't Me)
04. Tony Christie/Peter Kay (Amarillo)
05. Band Aid 20
06. Hear'Say (Pure & Simple)
07. Shayne Ward (That's My Goal)
08. Kylie (Can't Get You Out Of My Head)
09. Bob the Builder (Can We Fix It)
10. Atomic Kitten (Whole Again)

Cyberman Call Centre...

Kim Noble - Crap...

Sweet.

Kim Noble Will Die...

Last night Stu and I went to the Soho Theatre to see the rather wonderful Kim Noble in Kim Noble Will Die. Oh my giddy Aunt!

The poster said, "Contains strong material that may shock or cause offence. OVER 18s ONLY." Too bloody right! Blood, sex, ejaculations, Floella Benjamin, suicide, you name it...

To call it a ground-breaking mix of comedy, video and avante-garde theatre would be putting it mildly. Horrifying. Visceral. Hysterical. Hilarious. Inspiring. Genius. Unwatchable. Pornographic.

Go see!

Don't just take my word for it:

'Shocking, beautiful and profound. It will blow your mind'
****** (Six Stars) Time Out
'The most remarkable thing I’ve seen this year... People blather on about the cutting edge of comedy. Well, for once, here it is'
**** The Times
'Five stars don't even touch the sides of what this breath-stopping show deserves'
***** The Scotsman

Christmas Market South Bank...

 

Alison Moyet at the RFH...

On Sunday evening Andy treated us to tickets to see Alison Moyet at the Royal Festival Hall. Alf was on her 25 Years Revisited UK Tour.

First up we had Alex Cornish - - a singer / songwriter who was playing tracks from album Until The Traffic Stops. All quite nice.

Best song: Counting Chimney Pots

After the interval saw the appearance of the lady herself. And boy has she lost weight! She looked almost thin. Of course she sounded as magnicient as ever. She would tenderly caress both her classic love songs and defiant heartbreakers with equal vocal skill. Her range was amazing and style distinctive. We loved it.

The set-list was:
Footsteps
Should I feel That It's Over
One More Time
Only You
Should I feel
Hoo Doo
All Cried Out
Fire
Windmills Of Your Mind
Find Me
Ordinary Girl
Love Resurrection
That Ole Devil Called Love
This House
Almost Blue
Ode To Boy
Don't Go
Situtation
Love Letters
Dorothy
Is This Love?
Weak In The Presense Of Beauty
You Don't Have to Go
-----------------------------
Ne Me Quitte Pas
Whispering Your Name

Best track: This House

At least I didn't cry buckets like I did the last time I saw her.

Fever Ray...

On Saturday night was Mark's birthday and he, Patrick, Sarah, Mikey, Ernie, Drew, David and I all went to the The Junction Tavern for a bite to eat before being treated to Fever Ray at the HMV Kentish Town.

Fever Ray is an alias of Karin Dreijer Andersson of the electronic duo The Knife. As the performance started (oh yes, it was a 'performance' for sure) the stage was pitch black and pretty much stayed that way for the next hour and a quarter. There were four performers (I think) dressed in weird costumes (I think) illuminated only by nine fluctuating granny lamp shades and an array of rather impressive lasers.

The music itself was quite hypnotic - at times a massive wall of sound that assaulted the senses and put you into a trance-like state and at times a contrasting quieter, creepier and forbidding sound that transported you into a dreamlike state. Apparently the music has its roots in sleep deprivation, which I can well believe.

Fab.

George Michael - December Song (I Dreamed Of Christmas)...

Family Guy: Something, Something, Something Dark Side...

After Blue Harvest - Family Guy's take on Star Wars Episode IV: A New Hope - comes Family Guy: Something, Something, Something Dark Side their parody of Star Wars Episode IV: The Empire Strikes Back. Apparently their Jedi spoof will be called We Have A Bad Feeling About This.

Under The Wiper...

I once left my car in Sainsbury's car park in Islington when I was doing a big monthly shop. When I came back to it the bumper and rear lights were all smashed up. Then I found this note under the wiper. It said: "I just accidentally reversed into your car. Quite a few people saw me do it. They think I'm leaving my name and details. Well, I'm not."

Gordon Brown's World AIDS Day Message 2009...