Soft Sell...
Yay! Soft Cell are doing a gig at the Shepherds Bush Empire in July!



Only they're not.

Theatre Of Marc Almond: "It has come to our attention that tickets are on sale for a Soft Cell concert at Shepherds Bush Empire on 21 July. This concert is NOT happening. As Marc is still recovering from his injuries he can only return to performing when his doctors give him the all clear. Marc's management agreed to the show in principal and would suggest it to Marc depending on his doctors reports. As Marc has not recovered enough he is unable to return to performing for the foreseeable future and will be unable to take on a Soft Cell style show for at least 18 months. The show was shelved and no contracts have been signed but the ticket agencies have decided to sell tickets anyway. If you have already brought tickets please get a refund as they have been sold under false pretences."

TicketWeb: "TicketWeb regrets to announce that due to unforeseen circumstances the Soft Cell gig scheduled for Shepherds Bush Empire on 21st July 2005 has been cancelled. TicketWeb apologises for any inconvenience caused."

Make Poverty History...
You may have noticed my Make Poverty History armband.
[Thanks Bryan]

Brain Teasers : The Answers...

1. Orange, Purple and Month (but it sounds like you guys are coming up with some others too!)

2. 3.25 gallons

Listen Again...
The BBC Radio Player (radio on demand) was launched back in January of this year and has become wildly successful. It allows you to listen to BBC Radio programs live or indeed anytime up to a week after initial broadcast. It'll be the forerunner to the BBC Internet Player and the Creative Archive which will allow us to time-shifted TV and archive TV.

The current Top 10 Online BBC Radio Shows are:
01 The Archers (Radio 4)
02 Chris Moyles (Radio 1)
03 Essential Mix (Radio 1)
04 The Essential Selection (Radio 1)
05 Dance Anthems (Radio 1)
06 Official Chart Show (Radio 1)
07 Just A Minute (Radio 4)
08 The News Quiz (Radio 4)
09 Zane Lowe (Radio 1)
10 Jonathan Ross (Radio 2)

Brain Teasers...

1. What are the three words in the dictionary that have no rhymes?
(If you can think of others please let me know)

2. A car travels at a distance of 100 miles at a speed of 65 mph. It covers 25 miles per gallon, and has a total tank capacity of 9 gallons. However, sod's law strikes, and the petrol tank has sprung a leak. It was full when the car set off, but is empty when the car reaches its destination. How much fuel has it lost per hour?

Doctor Who a hit and quits...
With a little under 10 million viewers the new Doctor has been a success. So the BBC has commissioned another season and a Christmas special. Yay!

But not with Christopher Eccleston who fears being typecast. I see.

Civil Partnership...
The UK Civil Partnership legislation was passed by the Government last November and will come into force later this year - on 5th December 2005 to be exact. That is to say the first date for registering at the Registrars' offices is 5th December 2005 and the first ceremonies will start on the 21st December 2005. Brighton is hoping to be the first with three planned for just after midnight on that day.

Key Points for couples are:
- Must be of the same sex.
- Must not be married or already a civil partner.
- Not under 16.
- Parental consent is needed if under 18.
- Must give notice of proposed civil partnership to the Registration authority.
- Must have resided in England and Wales for at least 7 days before giving notice.
- Notification must include a declaration as stated in the Act.

The Chemical Brothers - Believe...
The Chemical Brothers' new single 'Believe' is released on 18th April but over the weekend we saw the amazing video. OMG. Incredible! Car construction robots on the loose! Dom and Nic have pulled off another winner.

The Kath And Kim Drinking Game...
I wrote this a couple of years ago so it mainly refers to season one of Kath and Kim. I gave a copy to Gina Riley last year and she found it very funny.
The Kath And Kim Drinking Game (Acrobat format).

New Doctor Who : Episode One: Rose...
So how was it? The first new Doctor Who television episode for 16 years (not counting that American funded telemovie with Paul Gann in 1996)? Was it any good? Did it break all the rules? Were there gay Daleks? Was it too jokey? Too self-referential? Too cheap? Wobbly sets? Wobblier acting? Was it even worthy of it's own heritage?

Well, the die-hard fans (which I count myself among) needn't have worried. It was magnificent. The plot was clever. It looked good. The special effects were spot on. The music was fantastic.

I was a tad worried that the new series might be an over-hyped damp squib. All that build up. How could it live up to such pre-publicity? How wrong I was - absolutely superb - witty, funny, scary, and finally the visual effects have caught up with the writer's intentions and viewers' imaginations. A perfect blend of old and new styles and elements. It deserves to achieve a massive success and whole new generations of fans.

Billie Piper was great as the side-kick (best since Sarh-Jane?), and Chris Eccleston was excellent at the Doctor. He's an actor. A proper actor; with just the right amount of quirkiness (Patrick Troughton), enthusiasm (Peter Davidson), action-heroism (Jon Pertwee) and, of course, that winning smile (Tom Baker).

Best bit: the visual gag with the Doctor and the London Eye

Best line: "Every planet has a North".

Minor quibble #1: the 45-minute running time with no cliffhangers

Minor quibble #2: that wheelie-bin burp

Cock up: Graham Norton's impromptu audio cameo from the Strictly Dance Fever set when the Autons were after Rose. Can we expect him every week, Auntie Beeb?

Roll on episode two!

Doctor Who...
The invasion begins: 2 days 10 hours 25 minutes 15 seconds

Can't wait.

Retro Bar Teasers Pop Quiz : The Answers...
01. Mick Jagger
02. Peter Sarstedt
03. David Bowie
04. Lou Reed
05. Steve Harley
06. Errol Brown
07. Billy MacKenzie
08. Marc Almond
09. Terry Hall
10. Gary Barlow, Robbie Williams, Mark Owen, Jason Orange, Howard Donald
11. Bryan, Kian, Mark, Nicky, Shane
12. Ronan Keating, Mikey Graham, Stephen Gately, Shane Lynch, Keith Duffy
13. Will Young
14. Andreas Johnson
15. Freddie Mercury, Bryan May, John Deacon, Roger Taylor
16. Tony Christie & (Is This The Way To) Amarillo?
17. Switch
18. Andy Bell
19. Vince Clarke
20. Jeff Buckley

Retro Bar Teasers Pop Quiz...
Last night Paul suggested we go to the Retro Bar Teasers Pop Quiz. Great idea! Regular readers will know that we used to love going there in years gone by and last night was no exception. We skipped supper and met up at 7pm to get warmed up (hic!); the quiz didn't actually kick off until 9:30pm.

As happenstance would sometimes have it I got a call from Drew saying he was meeting the lovely James in the Retro Bar too so we thought we'd make a team of it. (In fact Drew and James sloped off for eats before the quiz began returning for just the last 30 seconds!)

The quiz was based around male lead vocalists. Wendy would play the song and we'd have to say who the lead vocalist was. Easy, huh? We got thirteen and a half - the winners got all twenty.

Why not give it a go?

01. Who's lead vocalist on 60's track "Mothers Little Helper"?
02. Who's lead vocalist on 60's track "Where Do You Go To My Lovely?"?
03. Who's lead vocalist on 60's track "The Laughing Gnome"?
04. Who's lead vocalist on 70's track "New York Telephone Conversation"?
05. Who's lead vocalist on 70's track "Judie Teen"?
06. Who's lead vocalist on 70's track "You Sexy Thing"?
07. Who's lead vocalist on 80's track "Party Fears Two"?
08. Who's lead vocalist on 80's track "A Lover Spurned"?
09. Who's lead vocalist on 80's track "Thinking Of You"? (Clue: The Colourfield)
10. Can you name all the members of Take That (first and family names)?
11. Can you name all the members of Westlife (first names)?
12. Can you name all the members of Boyzone (first and family names)?
13. Who's lead vocalist on 00's track "Your Game"?
14. Who's lead vocalist on 00's track "Glorious"? (Clue: Here she comes with a master plan And I’m starting to lose control)
15. We got played G4's Bohemian Rhapsody but... can you name all the members of Queen (first and family names)?
16. Who's lead vocalist on the current No. 1 single new release "Amarillo" and what is the exact title including brackets?
17. What is Will Smith's new single called?
18. Who's lead vocalist on new release "Don't Say You Love Me"?
19. Who's his trusty side-kick?
20. Currently with an exhibition on in London, who was cut short in his prime and sang "Grace"?

Gay Gaelics Say Practice Makes Perfect...
I read that the Scottish Epicopal Church (that's Scottish Anglicans to you and me) are saying "being a practising homosexual is not a bar to a person becoming a priest".

Further the Scottish bishops said, "We are conscious that as a church we are much indebted in our life both to a significant presence of persons of homosexual orientation, and also those whose theology and stance would be critical of attitudes to sexuality other than abstinence outside marriage. We rejoice in both."

So you guys want to have it both ways, huh? It's OK to be a bender, correction: a practising bender and it's also OK to be a bigot. I see.

Our Computers Are Down...

[Thanks Lorayne]

Tony Christie tops singles chart...
Well, it had to happen. Tony Christie's Is This The Way To Amarillo is number one in the singles chart after being re-released by comedian Peter Kay. All in the name of charity of course. Has anyone seen the video? Apparently it shows Kay miming the track alongside 'stars' including Michael Parkinson, Jimmy Savile and Ronnie Corbett. Good on him.

Room With A View?
The Hyde Park Plaza, Sydney is a shitty hotel in that they repeatedly screwed us over royally with our room bookings on the three occasions we were there over the last month: bookings we had made six months earlier - and had written confirmation of. First they claimed we hadn'?t made a booking (we had), then that we were quoted the wrong room rate (we weren?'t) and finally that they were full (?"don'?t you realise Neil Diamond is in town?"?). Grrr! Not staying there again.

If however you do want to stay there for Mardi Gras I can recommend the following rooms for their panoramic view of the parade (in descending order of fabulousness):
409, 509, 609, 709, 809, 905, 1005, 1105, 1205, 1305, 1405 & 1505.

Rag and Bone...
My partner, Mark, recently threw out a t-shirt I have worn regularly for 20 years. Is that a record?

Brain Teasers: The Answers...

1. The answer is BANANA. You get it by removing the letters SIXLETTERS from the sequence.

2. Neither hit the ground; I was over the sea!

Brain Teasers...

1. Cross out six letters from the following sequence so that the remaining letters, without altering their sequence, spell a well known word:

B S I A N X L A E T N T A E R S

2. In a balloon stationary off the coast of Ireland, I dropped two bottles off the side. If one was full and the other empty, which hit the ground first?

Oh Laurie...

Laurie Anderson - The End of the Moon

18 - 21 May 2005 7.45pm Barbican Theatre
90 mins / no interval
£10 £12 £16 £21 £28 £35 + Superseat (Pay £5 more for a Superseat)

Bite 05:
Conceived and performed by Laurie Anderson
Who taught you what beauty is?
After the success of Happiness during BITE:03, master storyteller Laurie Anderson returns with The End of the Moon, the second in her trilogy of solo works. Part travelogue, part personal theories and dreams, Anderson weaves narrative and music; painting an expansive but deeply intimate picture of American culture. Drawing on her recent research and travels with NASA, The End of the Moon explores the tangled relationships between war, consumerism and spirituality.
"She's a master storyteller who uses the microphone as an instrument of intimacy, conspiracy and seduction." (The Chicago Tribune)

Book a celebrity...
From £300-£5000 you can have dinner with a 'celebrity' of your choice. I like the idea that "Limahl will talk extensively about his experiences in the music industry and perform many of hit hits in a karaoke style. He will also take part in after dinner party games." Bless.

Since You've Been Gone...
So what's been happening in good old Blighty for the last four weeks or so since I've been away? Any major news stories, celebrity gossip, scandal, fun things I should know about?

Back In The Saddle...
Good to be back in the saddle. Did I say saddle? I meant harness.

Back in the UK...
We landed in Heathrow at 4:30am this morning (were we allowed to do that?) and since getting home to Highbury have been doing all those boring things like catching up with washing (3 loads so far), voicemail messages (12), home e-mails (234) and work e-mails (457). It's sad how quickly you forget your holiday and start to get back into 'work' mode.

I'm staring at the large jar of Vegemite I picked up yesterday and also at the MMS I just received of Steve at the beach in Sydney and wishing I was back there. Ho hum.

New Zealand...
It's been a fun packed week in New Zealand. Unfortunately I've been ill for most of it though.

Tuesday we arrived in Auckland and met with my Mum and Dad for cocktails on the 50th floor of the Skytower. Later we met Alan (Rich's ex) and Paul for dinner and drinks at Hydrant (the old firestation). Cute men, the both.

Wednesday we drove to Rotorua where we spent the night. Rotorua STINKS as it's full of hot water springs, bubbling mud pools and sulphur lakes. We both had a lovely mud bath - but regretted it soon afterwards. It turns your skin green and even days later you stink of rotten eggs. Beautiful town though.

Thursday we drove to Wellington and checked into the Inter-Continental (believe me, we needed the comfort). Friday I was feeling pretty ill so stayed in bed all day but was well enough to meet the lovely Dave and my parents for dinner. Later on Dave, Marky and I went to the rather dire Sovereign Bar (a.k.a. Pound) for some more beers before turning in early.

Today we're returning to Sydney for one last night and then flying back home to Blighty on Sunday, arriving first thing Monday morning. Jet-lag here we come. It'll be nice to be back home though.

Mardi Gras Parade and Party…
On Saturday the Lesbian, Gay, Transsexual, Queer and Transgender Mardi Gras Parade (to give it its full title) was great fun. It lasted about 90 minutes and we got a bird’s eye view from our hotel room balcony. According to Channel 9 News 500,000 people watched 180 floats and 6,000 people took part. There were lots of comedic themed floats (Freddy Mercury with a Hoover, The Nanny, Little Britain), political floats (Greens, Democrats) and issue based floats (gay marriage, health).

After the parade we made our way up to Fox Studios for the LGTQT MG Party. The place was packed and it seemed half the world was there.

Party On…
The MG Party itself ran from 10pm Sat to 10am Sun. This was followed by Toybox at Luna Park Funfair from 10am Sun to 8pm Sun. Time for a short break before Indulgence (the leather party at The Shift) from 9:30pm Sun to 6am Mon. This immediately proceeded by Crash from 6am Mon to 2pm Mon.

Oh, believe me, I gave out long before the end.

Paying The Piper…
I spent almost the entire of Monday in bed feeling like shit. Think I have a cold. Well, if it’s not a cold it’s something. D’oh! Needed rest though - off to Auckland, NZ tomorrow.

Jonathan’s Day Off…
Friday was my day off. I had a really nice brunch with the boys – sat on the roof of our building in the sunshine with a beer, read my trashy book and watched lots of eye-candy in the pool and jacuzzi. A 'me' day. Lovely.

In the evening Frank had arranged dinner for us all at The Tilbury Hotel down in Wooloomooloo. Andy, Wiener, Frank, Graham, Steve, Mark and I enjoyed a very pleasant evening of fine dining.

Later on we all piled up to The Oxford for a few beers and some crowd watching. Sydney by this time is heaving with people. Mardi Gras proper starts tomorrow.

We had a earlyish night. Ish.

Blood On The Dance Floor…
Ok, the something that happened at The Shift was I got a little cut. I was dancing away and I got grabbed by someone and their ring cut me. It was a really little cut but there was some blood. Actually quite a lot of blood – and before I knew it, it was all over my hands and underwear. Funny how things like nose bleeds and cut lips seem to gush endlessly – must be all those blood vessels. Anyway I wasn’t seriously hurt; there was just a lot of the old red stuff. And seeing a man running to the coat check with a large patch of blood on his underwear and bloodied hands must have freaked out most punters – the sea of people parted pretty damned quick I can tell you.

So once home I went to bathe and the next day Mark accompanied me to A&E just in case. I was seen quite quickly - the doctor there was fine about it. Just take it easy for the next week or so – your cut will heal all by itself just fine. It was a shame it happened when it did because we had planned a trip over to Manly.

In the evening Steve cooked us a magnificent roast lamb dinner and we watched some Little Britain (we explained the more obscure references to Steve) and Kath & Kim (he explained the more obscure ones to us). We finished the evening off with a trip to Manacle where we met up with all the UK boys again.

The Trail Of The Lonesome Pine…
Another day, another trip: this time Steve drove us three out to the Blue Mountains. It was an easy drive and we chatted on the way – funny how similar people are the world over: (to take a random selection of topics) everybody loves/lusts after firemen, healthcare systems work pretty much the same, and nobody likes speed cameras.

The Blue Mountains were really very beautiful, especially the Three Sisters (three large outcroppings).

Back into town Marky and I journeyed over to Newtown to meet Davie and Craig in the Newtown Hotel for a beer or three and then some eats at Twelve (just down the road). It was great to catch up with Davie and also get to know Craig a little bit better. Such nice guys. Sounds like they are pretty much getting things sorted house-wise, job-wise and are obviously very much in love – they couldn’t keep their hands off each other! Bless.

Hot-footing it from Newtown back to Oxford Street we met up with the boys (including Steve and Frank) again and before long I found myself at an underbear party in The Shift – yes, you read that right underBEAR party. The place was packed with lots of large (for ‘large’ read ‘very large’) hairy men in their underwear. It was all strangely non-sexual really but heaps of fun. We danced the night away together.

Until something happened…

Shop Till You Drop / Life’s a Beach / Party Till You Drop…
As Mark has been going to the gym most mornings Graham and I thought we’d do a bit of shopping. I say ‘a bit’ – I actually bought some t-shirts, a Polo cap and various items of underwear. We walked all over Sydney’s lovely downtown shopping district and stopped occasionally for beers and / or coffees.

In the afternoon the lovely Steve drove Mark, Graham and me to the beach. The beach was called La Peruse – and we did. Now how can I describe La Peruse? Well, it is not exclusively a gay beach (we did see ONE straight couple) and not exclusively a nudist beach (we did see one person was wearing flip-flops) - but you get the idea: it’s pretty much a gay nudist beach. We roasted just nicely in the sun.

Back home to shower and change we then met up with Tim, Andy, Andy, Kevin, Michael, Andy, Stuart in The Colombian before we all hiked went to Tim and Ross’s party ‘just around the corner’. The boys party was packed with delightful Aussies and some Brits – we power mingled our way through just about everybody and had a simple smashing time. Mark bailed on us quite early leaving the rest of us to pop into Manacle (Baracle?) for a quick one or two on the way home. Naturally it was straight home to bed afterwards.

Recovery…
Up at the crack of noon Monday was a recovery day. God, my feet were aching – 12 hours of dancing had taken it’s toll. Graham and Steve came over to our apartment early afternoon and we all went up on the roof for a beer or two, a hastily arranged picnic and a spa. A spa? Why, yes. Our hotel has a roof-top swimming pool, sauna, gym and jacuzzi – 15th floor, fantastic view of the Harbour. Nice, huh? Later on we went for beers at The Colombian with Pete and David, eats at Wok On Inn and more beers at The Oxford. A very early night was called for so we were in bed at 7pm – sleeping all the way through to 7am the next day.

Harbour Party…
We had a very relaxing morning pottering about doing washing and domestic stuff before stocking up with drinks and nibbles: in the afternoon Graham, Guy, Neil, Brett, Pete, Mark and Steve came over for pre-Harbour Party drinks. The Harbour Party (or Azure ‘05 as it was now known) is a big open air dance party down by the water’s edge with a magnificent view of the Sydney Opera House and Sydney Harbour Bridge. The place was packed when we arrived a little after 5-30pm, the music was jumping, the beer was suitably cold and the toilets had ridiculously long queues - a normal outdoor event, then. We bumped into half of London on the dance floor. Amongst the throbbing melee were Andy & Kevin, Guy & Neil, Andy & Tim, Andy & Michael, Stuart, Pete, David, David & Stuart, Mark, Lynda & Sue, Graham, Hanes (OMG! HANES!), Colin, Steve, Brett, Phil, Tim & Ross, Frank, Hobart, and hundreds of others whose faces I recognised but couldn’t put a name to.

By midnight it was all over bar the shouting so a bunch of us hot-footed it back into town to The Midnight Shift and danced the rest of the night away there - like loons mostly. By 6am I was all danced out and sloped off home to bed.

Bedding In…
Now safely in Sydney the fun started in earnest.

Saturday afternoon we met up with Graham and went for a drink at The Oxford – before long we were joined by Andy & Kevin and Andy & Tim and Andy & Michael and Stuart and Pete. The sun was shining, the beers were flowing and we were all catching up with our tales of jet-lag, accommodation woes and pre-Sydney adventures. It was nice to see the gang and touch base before the madness started.

After a brief disco-nap we started our Saturday night proper with eats and a bit of bar crawling, mainly between The Colombian and The Oxford (again). Later on (eleven or so) we went to Manacle, which was rammed. There we saw all the usual gang, in addition to David & Stuart, Frank, Phil and Mark. They had two shows on at Manacle – the first being four muscle-Marys covering Gang Of Four’s “I Love A Man In A Uniform” and the second being some dire cover of an almost unrecognisable Depeche Mode song (Master and Servant? Enjoy The Silence? It was hard to tell). We all got fantastically tiddly on the local brews Victoria Bitter (a.k.a. VB) and Toohey’s New (a.k.a. NEW).

By 2am Marky was feeling a bit tired so headed off home. Pete, his friend Mark and I had other idea though and went to The Midnight Shift for a spot of stage and podium dancing. We wowed the crowd (as in “wow, those boys on the podium are very drunk and can’t dance for toffee”).We had a lot of fun though. Home by 4am.

Oh My God. We're Being Kidnapped...
You know that bit in the Out Of Towners when she says, "Oh My God. We're being kidnapped"? Well, it happen to us.

We picked up a taxi from outside Flinders Street station in Melbourne yesterday to take us to the airport. A 20 minute direct drive that would give us time to spare before boarding our flight to Sydney. Our seasoned Iranian cabbie seemed chatty enough. He'd obviously been cabbing for sometime and was asking all the usual questions, "Where were we from?" "How long had we been in Melbourne?". Significantly he did not ask us, "Do you know anything about how taxis can try to rip you off?" or "Do you have any sense of direction?"

We were first alerted that something was up when he turned off the main road to the airport claiming that there was an accident up ahead. Quite how he was supposed to know this we are unsure. For the next 30 minutes we made left and right turns through housing estates, drove out to the countryside, back into town and even took three right turns in a row. Subtle, huh?

"You are taking us for a ride, mate", says Mark. "Oh My God. We're being kidnapped", ventures me half joking. "We're Iranian hostages!" Only the joke started to wear a bit thin when we realised we were going to miss out flight.

The meandering continued. A few minutes later we had had enough. "Get us to the airport NOW. We have a flight to catch" we say. "It'll be another 30 minutes", says our cab driver (driver number 518121 should you ever what to avoid this odious creature). "WHAT?! Look, we know you are trying to defraud us. We're not stupid, you know. Get us to the airport right now or we call the police" His accent became much thicker as he tried to weasel out of it often contradicting himself: "I know this area very well. I live here. It's a short cut" "I've only been a cabbie for two weeks I don't know the area very well"

Eventually Mark said, "You get us to the airport NOW and we may not phone the police." He had the cheek to say "You pay me what you normally pay. You pay me what you think I should get!" I said, "We will pay you NOTHING, you will get us to the airport NOW, and you are going to count yourself very lucky if we do not call the police." The emergency services in Oz can be reached on 000. "I am dialing two 0s on my phone and will dial the third if you do not drive us directly to the airport"

That seemed to do the trick. He turned off his ludicrously high meter, 5 minutes later we were on a motorway and within 20 minutes we were at the airport - the trip had taken an hour - three times what it should. We now had just four minutes to get our flight. FOUR MINUTES! We grabbed our bags and flung ourselves out of the cab and into the airport.

Luckily the lady at the Qantas check-in desk was very understanding and got us on the flight. Phew! Three cheers for them.

We will of course report our errant cabbie to the Silver Top Cab Service, Melbourne. Casually ripping off tourists for $120 fares which should really only be $40 is not only illegal but rather destroys one's faith in cabbies in general.

Botanic Gardens and Shrine...
We're back on track with our culture - trips to the Memorial Shrine and the Botanic Gardens today were wonderful, enlightening and just what we needed. Tonight is our last night in Melbourne so no doubt we'll be undoing some of this good with a trip to the bars again - but then it would be rude not too (!)

Tomorrow our flight leaves for Sydney at midday so after about 2pm I don't expect I'll be blogging much - the Maelstrom of Mardi Gras socialising, eating, drinking and partying will start. Wish me luck.

High Brow?...
Our touring of Melbourne has continued apace. But let's just say it's not all been particularly high brow. Highlights have included a Kylie retrospective at the Melbourne Arts Centre, repeatedly pushing a button in the human body section of the Melbourne Museum to make a farting noise and touring the sleazy bars in Fitzroy. Who says tourism can't be fun, eh?!

Kath & Kim Central...
Melbourne IS Kath & Kim central. Everyone looks, acts & talks like them - in the street, on the tram, in restaurants. Every street corner seems to have a Sharon. I can't stop laughing. Mark has to keep shooshing me. We even met a real-life Prew & Trew in a department store yesterday - short grey haircuts, haughty manners and accents to cut steel. Everthing was graysh and goosh.

We did the Colonial Restaurant Tram dinner last night and sat next to Kel & Brett lookilikies. We were even chased by a cab with latecomers. Spooky. Our waiter said he was actually in that episode as a passenger! Unless of course he was just trying to impress us - which I find hard to believe. But then I am gullible to steely blue eyes and a winning smile.

Oh, did I mention it's 33 degrees here.

Melbourne...
It's been a great few days in Melbourne so far. Spending lots of time with Andy and Tim has been fun. We've been eating, drinking, relaxing, site-seeing, on the Yarra river and walking the streets (in a good way!).

The bars have been a little unwelming though; Diva, Xchange, The Prince Of Wales and Gay Trade Bar (no really) have been all but deserted. But then I suppose we've only been out on a Monday and a Tuesday night so we shouldn't expect too much. They'll probably fill up as the week progresses.

Today we're planning to walk the Golden Heritage Mile and the Melbourne Museum - just to prove we can do culture too!

Oh, did I mention it's 31 degrees here.

The Committee To Protect Bloggers...

Melbourne - A bit of a blur...

Well, we are now in Oz. After what seemed like three days traveling - which was in fact three days traveling - we finally arrived. Thank God for that diazipam my GP prescribed me; a God-send for nervous flyers like me! The next few days were a bit of a blur. We had a bit of a reception waiting for us as Rich was throwing a house-warming party soiree which acted as a perfect way to be introduced to a bunch of the local boys (Hello Pete, Steve, Brett, Jason, David, Jonno, Wayne, Russ, Rich, Davie, Aaron, Sue, Lynn, Anthony #1, Anthony #2). Needless to say the evening turned into the night (Phoenix), the night to the morning (Midnight Shift and Manacle) and still we were partying. Home to shower and change and then straight off to a big outdoor fair for the day (a bit like Brighton Pride) before heading to new friend Brett's place and then back to the Midnight Shift for more beers and then on to Manacle again and then finishing off the night and a big chunk of the next morning at the Arq (for more wildness and podium dancing). Phew! This morning we somehow managed to get ourselves up, out of the hotel and to the airport. We are now in Melbourne getting ready to go meet Andy and Tim for more beers.

Kiki and Herb - Losers In Love...
It was a night at the theatre last night for me, Mark, Paul, David, Simon, Dawn, Joanna and Martin. Straight from their sell-out success at America's most prestigious venue, Carnegie Hall and a UK tour with the Scissor Sisters, New York legends Kiki and Herb were back in London doing what they do best.

To say Kiki and Herb is a drag show is like calling the Pacific a puddle. It's a tour de force. A musical act that calls on not only great songs (the silent audience guessing game is one of the main features) but inspired stand-up comedy and a big dig in the ribs of the safe cabaret/lounge singer circuit. It is Chanson with balls. Always first class showmanship.

And last night show was no exception. They tugged at the heart strings of the hardiest soul with a Valentines spectacular of epic proportions. Many of the routines we'd seen before, the exception perhaps being Mylo's "Destroy Rock And Roll". But as ever it was the delivery that amazed. Kiki (the oh so talented Justin Bond) is one of the best stage drunks you're likely to see.

Her Lon Chaney face is scarred with mascara, her voice a mixture of Tom Waits and Ethel Merman, with more than a little Judy Garland in her last days. The high point for me was when Kiki relates calling in a bomb threat at a Rolling Stones aftershow party attended by Oasis claiming, "This is Charlotte Rampling On The Line! / Garden of the Finzi-Continis." Herb (played by the oh so handsome Kenny Mellman), for his part, croons "Champagne Supernova" underneath. Class.

Inflight Entertainment...
Here are the movies they are going to be showing on our Sydney flight. Can anyone recommend any of them?

Film and TV Channels (February 2005)
1. Vanity Fair
2. Alfie
3. Dear Frankie
4. Sideways
5. Collateral
6. The Bourne Supremacy
7. The Last Picture Show
8. Vera Drake
9. Around The Bend
10. Roxanne

Return To Oz...
We're off to Oz & NZ this Thursday for almost a month. We're going for Mardi Gras in Sydney, a driving trip through New Zealand's north island and a trip to Melbourne to experience the real Kath and Kim.

As a way of prepping for our Melbourne leg of the trip we've been brushing up on our Kath & Kim lingo by learning some choice phrases.

You off sex? I'm not exactly Kalm & Sutra myself.

We're on Dr Kobots No Carbohydrate Diet.

Kim: Where were you last night?
Sharon: I was at Mark's all night.
Kim: What were you doing?
Sharon: Doing the usual - sitting in my car & going through his rubbish.

I've got the body and I've got the smarts. Like Rachael Hunter, I'm a foxy moron.

I had them eating putty out of my hands.

That's your pacific skill base.

It's common. It's nice, it's unusual, it's common.

Trip the light fandango.

It wasn't a waste of money, it was an expensive learning curve.

Rack off lamb.

Zoo tempts gay penguins to go straight...
A nice Valentine's Day story this: The Bremerhaven Zoo in Bremen, Germany has imported four female penguins from Sweden in an effort to tempt its gay penguins to go straight. The four Swedish females were dispatched to the zoo after it was found that three of the zoo's five penguin pairs were homosexual.

Keepers at the zoo ordered DNA tests to be carried out on the penguins after they had been mating for years without producing any chicks. It was only then they realised that six of the birds were living in homosexual partnerships.

Director Heike Kueck said that the zoo hoped to see some baby penguins in the coming months. She said that the birds had been mating for years and one couple even adopted a stone that they protected like an egg. Kueck said that the project has the support of the European Endangered Species Programme because the penguins, which are native to South America, are an endangered species.

A biologist will be on hand to monitor the experiment.

But introducing the Bremerhaven penguins to their new Swedish friends may not be as successful as hoped after earlier experiments revealed great difficulties in separating homosexual couples. In case they show no interest, the zoo has also flown in two new male penguins "so that the ladies don't miss out altogether", Kueck added.

Sitges Carnival in pictures...

Brits25 - The winners...
If you don't want to know the winners look away now.

British Breakthrough Act (voted for by Radio 1 listeners): Keane
British Group: Franz Ferdinand
British Male Solo Artist: The Streets
British Female Solo Artist: Joss Stone
British Single: Will Young - Your Game
British Urban Act: Joss Stone
British Rock Act: Franz Ferdinand
British Live Act: Muse
BRITs25: The Best Song Award: Robbie Williams - Angels
Pop Act: McFly
International Male Solo Artist: Eminem
International Female Solo Artist: Gwen Stefani
International Group: Scissor Sisters
International Album: Scissor Sisters - Scissor Sisters
International Breakthrough Act: Scissor Sisters
Outstanding Contribution To Music: Bob Geldof

Telewest PVR...
Yay! Telewest have announced their PVR - it's going to be a Scientific Atlanta super-duper one called an Explorer 8300 DVB.

The even better news is that the Explorer 8300 features three tuners. This will allow you to record three (yes, read it and weep Sky+, three!) programmes at the same time, or to record two programmes while watching a third live. The box also includes two video decoders, allowing you to watch a channel while archiving a previously recorded programmes to, for example, an externally-connected VCR or DVD recorder via scart (which is good enough).

Most interestingly, the boxes will be capable of decoding and displaying high definition television, although there has been no word as yet as to when Telewest will begin carrying high definition content.

Due second half of 2005. Neat.

Sitges Carnival...
I´m currently in Sitges for the annual Carnival. The streets are full, the bars are full, the clubs are full. Fancy dress, masks, drinking, dancing, marching bands, floats, parades, cherries and feathers, drags queens, trannies, men in tights it is a week of party, party, party.

A good life if you don´t weaken - it´s stamina counts in the end, boys.

Goodbye cruel world...
Star Trek: Enterprise is cancelled.

Scissor Sisters info...
Being the fan I am I've been reading the Scissor Sisters web site and have a RFC or two:

SCISSORS INVADE THE BRITS: THOUGH WE CAN?T TELL YOU YET WHAT?S GOING TO HAPPEN WHEN THE SCISSORS PLAY THE BRIT AWARDS (WHICH WILL BE BROADCAST IN THE UK ON FEB 10), WE CAN TELL YOU THAT THE BAND IS TOTALLY EXCITED TO BREAK OUT A SURPRISE.

Surprise? What surprise? Anyone any ideas?

RETURN TO OZ: THE SCISSORS ARE EXTREMELY EXCITED TO ANNOUNCE THEIR FIRST AUSTRALIAN TOUR. THEY WILL BE TAKING PART IN THE GOOD VIBRATIONS FESTIVAL, AS WELL AS DOING THEIR OWN SOLO SHOWS IN SYDNEY AND MELBOURNE.

Solo shows? Anyone know where or when? We'll be in Sydney around that time.

And how come there are 'excited' by everything? Totally.

Acorn Antiques - The Musical...
Paul, Simon, Marky and I went to see Acorn Antiques - The Musical at the Theatre Royal Haymarket last night.

Victoria Wood - As Seen On TV was the ground breaking TV show circa 1985 that contained the screamingly funny continuing TV soap spoof Acorn Antiques based in the busy antiques shop in Manchesterford if you please. With its wobbly sets, sensationalist plots, appalling acting, crude camerawork and dopey dialogue it was uncannily reminiscent of bad soaps in general and Crossroads in particular.

Now twenty years on Victoria Wood's musical version has recreated that mayhem in equal measures of the surreal, the delightfully camp and the downright funny.

All the old gang were in it (but sadly not VW herself the night we were there as she only does 'Bingo Nights') including Julie Walters as Mrs Overall, Celia Imrie as the wonderfully sexy Mrs Babs, Duncan Preston as Derek and new characters played by Josie Lawrence and Neil Morrisey.

The first half was a musical within a musical - a sort of "let's put on a show" kind of thing set in 'real life' with the humour of a behind-the-scenes Acorn Antiques Special. The second half was Acorn Antiques The Musical! proper with everyone in character. Wrinkly tights, coconut macaroons, eye shadow and Mrs Overall's home-made sherry were all visibly waiting in the wings.

The songs were great, the dancing second to none and the pastiches spot on. It was a great variety show with top notch actors and entertainers doing what they do best - hamming it up. Real Northern entertainment. And very funny.

For we Mrs Overall fans it was a nostalgia trip without compare. Fab. Fab. Fab.

Un Long Dimanche de Fiançailles...
Last night Drew treated Sasi and I to a film: Un Long Dimanche de Fiançailles (or A Very Long Engagement to give it it's English title).

The film tells the story of a young woman (played by Audrey Tautou of Amélie fame and soon to be in The Da Vinci Code), who has been crippled since age five, trying to find her lost fiancé.

The film starts when five desperate men shoot themselves in order to be relieved from the horrifying frontline at the Somme, in WWI. A court-martial decides to punish them by leaving them alone in no-man's land, to be killed in the crossfire. Naturally they all die. Or do they? Our heroine receives information that makes her suspect her boyfriend might have gotten away alive after all. So she embarks in a painful, long and often frustrating ordeal to find out the truth.

So doesn't sound very funny, eh? Actually it was. Very moving and very funny. And not a car chase to be seen. Oh, and Jodie Foster was in it. As a French speaking Polish carrot seller. Of course.

Sideways...
Drew and I went to see Sideways over the weekend. Very funny. Go see.

Best line? "Don't say you called your ex-wife whilst drunk. Did you drink and dial?"

Marc on TV...
Marc Almond appeared on BBC Breakfast yesterday. He seemed fit, vibrant and positive. His teenage stutter has returned but he was nonetheless very chatty and enthused thanks to all his well wishers and about his new DVD Sin Songs, Torch and Romance out this week.

You can watch the BBC interview here.

Blockage Films...
Marky and I have been catching up on some of our DVD 'blockages' recently. DVD blockages are those films from our DVD rental list that you get in the post (we use LoveFilm.com), really want to watch, but never seem to find the right moment.

Up until recently we had three blockages: The Passion Of The Christ, Russian Ark and The Virgin Suicides.

Don't get me wrong, these are all films that we do really want to watch - it's just when we get home of an evening and have eaten it's more likely to be something fluffy like Will & Grace or Frasier we want to relax with rather than a brutal gore-fest in Aramaic.

Well, this weekend we finally we found the time to actually sit down and watch The Passion Of The Christ. And OMG! What a relentless-to-the-point-of-being-boring blood bath it is. It just doesn't give up. We had an unflinching twenty minutes of beating with skin and flesh being lashed away from Jesus's body. Blood spurting everywhere. We had a bone cracking close up of Jesus's shoulder being dislocated. We had close ups on each nail being driven through Jesus's hands and feet. Again blood spurting everywhere. It was like a zombie / slasher B-movie. Maybe I missed the point of the film but if it's Jesus literally suffered for our sins - I get it. I really do. But this was torture. Torture on the screen and torture to watch. I think it could have been as powerful to relate the suffering in a less graphic way. The less is more approach. Stabbing and cutting and abusing an already bloodied body added nothing to the story. It just seemed grotesque. My 2p.

Kiki and Herb at Duckie...
Can you keep a secret? Kiki and Herb are on at Duckie next Saturday night. Sadly I'll be away.

Ricky Gervais...
We watched Ricky Gervais: Animals on Channel Four last night. Despite deep suspicions - we loved it. Surprisingly funny.

Best gag? "I'm half French. Name like Gervais - I'm half French half English. I may be crap in bed but at least I've got bad breath."

A day in the life of Newsnight...
Ahem. My name is Jonathan... and I love Jeremy Paxman. There, I've said it. I don't love him in any sexual way you understand. I just love the brisk, no-nonsense style with which he presents Newsnight on the BBC every night and berates student knowledge of all things 'pop' on Univeristy Challenge every week.
He's an interviewer who knows his stuff and is not afraid to ask the obvious and sometimes difficult questions.
If you share my love you may like to take a peek at Paxo's A day in the life of Newsnight which is a bit of a giggle.

Blonde gag...
One day, the three beautiful women were walking along the beach and discover a magic lamp. They rub and rub, and sure enough, out pops a genie. The genie says, "Since I can only grant three wishes, you may each have one." The brunette says, "I've been stuck here for years. I miss my family, my husband, and my life. I just want to go home." POOF! The brunette gets her wish and she is returned to her family. Then, the redhead says, "I've been stuck here for years as well. I miss my family, my husband, and my life. I wish I could go home too." POOF! The redhead gets her wish and she is returned to her family. The blonde starts crying uncontrollably. The genie asks, "My dear, what's the matter?" The blonde whimpers, "I wish my friends were still here."

UK Pledges £285 Million and Magical Unicorns for Tsunami Relief...
To help with the Indian Ocean Tsunami disaster, the UK has pledged £285 million plus 10 herds of the finest magical Unicorns to help with the disaster.

Tony Blair spoke of the significance of the UK's contribution, "This money will help the South Pacificans rebuild their infrastructure, and these special, magical unicorns will till the land magically, bringing it back to life and prosperity."

World opinion has gone against the UK's promised contribution: an unnamed Indian official's comments showed skepticism that the UK would keep its commitment, "magical Unicorns are fine but I have more trouble believing that Britain will make good on its promise of the full £285 million. In times of crisis, such nations often come up with aid pledges that they don't deliver on once the media attention has died down."

There was also some concern the UK contribution to the relief effort is not enough, especially because of a much larger contribution pledge by Japan of 500 million dollars plus 10,000 burrowing gnomes to aid with the rubble clearing. "At least the Japanese have the nerve to lie to us on a much grander scale," said the Indian official.

The devastated countries of the Indian Ocean region have good precedent to worry about the sincerity of promised financial aid. Of the 1.1 billion promised to Iran after their earthquake last year, about 17.5 million has materialized... and the magic beans were apparently a complete joke.

Related News
Blair: We will solve third world debt by next Tuesday.

Michael Jackson's Boys...
Talking of TV did you see Michael Jackson's Boys on Channel Four last night? Oh. My. God. Food for the angry mob. You could hear the noose being tied.

Google hits the goggle box...
Google's march to world domination came another step closer yesterday with a beta search engine allowing users to search through recent TV programmes. So now you won't even have to remember what you watched on telly last night - you can check on Google. The site, designed in line with Google's minimist style, searches through the closed captions (subtitles) for all the programmes in Google's archive. You can also search by programme name or by channel. You cannot, yet, play the videos directly. At the moment this archive is limited to the dubious pleasures of US networks while the technology is being tested. Google has archived various channels such as ABC, C-SPAN, NBC, PBS and Fox News since December and will add more channels as testing continues. Google American TV here.

Hounds Of Love...
I was listening to Xfm the other day and heard the unmistakable lyrics

I found a fox / caught by dogs

OMG! Someone has covered Kate Bush's Hounds Of Love! And sure enough (with a bit of digging)... it turns out to be The Futureheads. It has to be one of the coolest covers ever.

A Happy Monday...
Happy Mondays dancer Bez wins the third series of Channel 4 reality show Celebrity Big Brother. Good for him.

The mysterious case of the 'gay-bomb' request...
As reported in the Telegraph and may other organs recently the US military, planned to use stink bombs, chemicals that cause bad breath, and a so-called "gay-bomb" that would make enemy soldiers irresistible to one another as part of a range of non-lethal, but disruptive and morale-damaging weapons. An Air Force laboratory in Ohio applied for $7.5m funding to develop these, and other similar ideas described as "harassing, annoying and 'bad guy'-identifying chemicals". The 1994 proposal was uncovered by The Sunshine Project, a chemical weapons watchdog group.

In the hunt for "Chemicals that influence human behaviour so that discipline and morale in enemy units is adversely affected", the researchers proposed that strong aphrodisiacs be dropped on enemy troops. The idea was that the deliriously loved-up men would unable to resist one another, but would be suffused with regret once the potion wore off.

The "gay bomb" was just one of many ideas. Researchers at the Wright Laboratory planned a chemical weapon that would encourage swarms of wasps of rats to attack the enemy soldier. Other proposals include a chemical that would cause "severe and lasting halitosis", so that enemy soldiers could be identified even out of uniform; a substance to make skin painfully sensitive to sunlight light and a so-called "who me?" bomb, essentially a very large scale stink bomb that would make enemy living quarters unpleasant places to be.

That last idea was abandoned because, according to the government papers: "people in many areas of the world do not find faecal odour offensive, since they smell it on a regular basis" (!)

Marine Captain Daniel McSweeney explained that the Pentagon receives hundreds of suggestions for non lethal weapons, but stressed: "Gay Bomb' is not our term. It was not taken seriously. It was not considered for further development." The US observes chemical weapons treaties, he added.

Beer fights cancer: official...
Today the Government are laying out their plans for 24 hour drinking. Wasn't that supposed to be law by now?

Anyway Drew and I went out for a few beers last night in London glitzy Soho. Were we looking after our health? Why of course we were - and to prove it, here's the news we've all been waiting for...

Scientists at Okayama University in Japan have rather agreeably discovered that unidentified compounds in lager and stout may help to prevent DNA damage leading to cancer.

Some cancers are apparently provoked by heterocyclic amines - "DNA-damaging chemicals found in cooked meat and fish", New Scientist reports. The university team fed mice these compounds, and then noted that "the DNA damage to their liver, lungs and kidneys was reduced by up to 85 per cent if the mice drank non-alcoholic beer instead of water". Lead boffin Sakae Arimoto-Kobayashi reckons the beer-borne chemicals "prevent the amines binding to and damaging DNA". Naturally, if they can pinpoint the beneficial compounds in question, brewers will be able to concoct cancer-battling superbrews.

But before you all rush off to the pub for a lifesaving pint, some unanswered questions remain. New Scientist notes that heavy boozing is responsible for around six per cent of cancers in the West. Since the mice were refreshed with non-alcoholic beer, the scientists cannot confirm that "moderate consumption of normal beer has any anti-cancer benefits".

Arimoto-Kobayashi notes: "The total benefits and risks of beer with alcohol are still under consideration."

Fair enough. When you've worked it out, chaps, give us a shout - Drew and I will be in Comptons doing a bit of field research.

Coach potatoes...
It was a bit of televisual feast last night actually.

We watched the 2nd DVD of the full extended The Lord Of The Rings: The Return Of The King. Loads of extras and lengthened scenes. Fab.

We watched bits of the Exeter vs Man U match on the Beeb. We were so willing Exeter to win!

We watched Lisa I'Anson getting kicked out of Celebrity Big Brother.

Tina C's Tiny Island Tour...
Do you listen to Radio 4? Well, if you don't, you should. Last night at 11pm was the rather fabulously funny Tina C's Tiny Island Tour.

Tina is the alter ego of comedian (and friend) Chris Green - a "country singer, global activist and icon for peace". Perhaps you remember her singles Of Course I Want You for Your Body - I've Got a Brain of My Own, No Dick's As Hard As My Life or Take Your Hand Out My Panties - I'm Trying To Walk Out The Door.

Tina flew in from the land of the free for an "anti-anti-Amercian" tour. It's an attempt to repair the "special relationship", she says. "That's 'special' like in 'special needs'". Marvellous.

VoD...
Nice to hear that UK cable firms will (finally) start to offer video-on-demand this year - about time! But where's the Personal Video Recorder (PVR) solution? We don't just want a few films and last night's Eastenders - we want to timeshift anything. It's enough to make you switch to Sky+. Almost.

Mixed Cats...

Elevator Etiquette...
I turn up at the bank of lifts at the ground floor to our office building everyday and often have to wait. It's a busy time in the mornings and the lifts are busy shuttling people up to the top floors. But I'm the first one there. I hit the only button to call the lifts and wait. I stare at the lift doors waiting for them to open.

After a moment someone else walks up. He gracefully leans forward and hits the button to call the lifts. I grimace. I already did that. Didn't I do it right first time? There's only one button for up and it only needs to be pressed once. Couldn't he see it was lit up already? Oh well. We wait together. It's not unusual to wait.

Someone else walks up. He looks at us both as if to say, "you do need to call the lift you know". And hits the up button once again. "We've done that", we both think back. We all go back to staring at the lift doors willing them to open.

Two people more walk up to our impatient trio. They are colleagues who must have traveled to work together. They're chatting and without thinking one of them reaches forward and repeatedly presses the lift call button with his middle finger like he's fighting in a video game. Yeah, like that'll make the lift come faster! We all look at him with pained expressions but he doesn't notice us - he's too busy chatting with his colleague. We all return to staring at the still closed lift doors.

It's been two minutes now. Where is that lift?

Someone else walks up. It's getting to be quite a crowd. She pauses. Looks at us one by one out of the corner of her eye. We know what she's thinking. "Don't do it," we all think - willing her to not press the button again. She stays motionless. At last! Someone with some sense. Then just when we've all relaxed again she lashes out and strikes the up button like a snake. We all sigh. Someone even groans. She flashes him a dark look.

After what seems like an age the lift finally 'bings' and the doors open. Luckily it's empty and we all shuffle in. Convention dictates we all turn round to face outwards. Everyone leans over to select their respective floors and we wait for the doors to close. They seem to take ages. We're all stood there like lemons in a lift with the doors wide open.

Just as the doors do start to close we all see someone dashing for the lift. "Hold the lift," he shouts. Everyone averts their gaze. We all pretend not to notice him. As is correct elevator etiquette though the person nearest the lift buttons pretends to make a vain attempt at reaching for the 'doors open' button to hold the lift - but accidentally presses the 'doors close' button instead. "Sorry", he mouths to the runner with mock sympathy. As the doors are closing he even glances round the lift for support. Which he gets in spades. "I did try", he explains. We smile back silently sharing his mild embarrassment but at the same time admiring his leadership skills. Brave man! That running guy can wait for another lift. We of lift No. 2 have bonded now. We're heading up the building and no one is going to stop us.

Marc Almond on his crash...
In today's Daily Mirror is an exclusive interview with Mark Almond about his motocycle accident in October. Many thanks to Fiona Cummins for bring us this story. And thanks for David for the heads up too.

MARC ALMOND ON HIS HORROR CRASH
By Fiona Cummins, Showbiz Reporter (Jan 15 2005)

EXCLUSIVE: It turned me grey and made me stutter again but I'm lucky to be alive

Marc Almond's horrific motorbike crash that left him unconscious for 10 days has brought back his childhood stammer. He gives an exclusive interview to the Mirror.

The Soft Cell star suffered two massive blood clots that caused his head to "swell to the size of a football". He fractured his skull in two places, shattered his right shoulder, perforated his eardrum, suffered a collapsed lung, underwent emergency surgery twice and faced the prospect of brain damage. He couldn't walk or talk in the aftermath of the smash, which saw him tossed 20ft through the air.

One of the most difficult aspects of the accident is that the singer's stutter has returned with a vengeance. "When I was in my teens, I had a terrible stammer," he says. "It has come back worse than ever now and I suppose that's because I was shaken up like a jelly.

"I couldn't get a fix on sounds properly. I was in shock and couldn't form words. Sometimes I can't even speak on the phone. If I hear disembodied voices I can't focus or talk - I'm going to have to work on that." Describing his feelings after the crash, Marc says: "It was very difficult and emotional. But I'm a tough old boot. When I first came round and found out my situation, I was determined to be strong and get out of hospital. I wasn't going to be beaten by it."

The singer, who spent five weeks in hospital, believes it was a CD of daft songs which finally roused him. "I have a parrot at home and I sing these silly, childish songs to it and they played me a CD of those songs. "I also remember the tune Oh Superman, by Laurie Anderson, from when I was unconscious. Apparently somebody on the scene was playing it in their car and the lyrics are: 'You'd better get ready, ready to go'."

But the gay star, who has a long-term partner, didn't go. He woke up instead... and thought he'd been kidnapped. "I opened my eyes and thought I'd been taken prisoner and was being tortured. I couldn't understand why they had stuck all these things in my mouth. I tried to pull everything out because I didn't know what was happening and they had to bind my hands. Eventually, I started to accept my situation. It was just very frightening - the strangest thing that has ever happened to me."

As he began to regain consciousness, Marc's first memory was of voices. "I remember my mother saying: 'You must come round now, you've been asleep for nine days, you've been in a terrible accident.' Then I'd hear the voice of a friend, then my sister, then another voice, asking me to wake up. At first, I couldn't understand why they were there, all talking to me. I was trying to make some sense of the situation... then, eventually, I came round. I wondered if I was in a dream and hoped someone would wake me up."

Although a flamboyant performer with a reputation for excess, Marc's confidence has been badly shaken. The star, whose hair turned grey after the smash, is polite, nervous and apologetic, saying it's the first time he has discussed the accident outside his circle of friends and family. He fears he may become "emotional". But though he is still recovering in many ways, his sense of humour remains intact and he talks non-stop as if he finds it cathartic to share how he came so close to death.

Marc, 47, who has had a string of hits including the 1981 classic Tainted Love, Say Hello, Wave Goodbye and Something's Gotten Hold Of My Heart, has no memory of the accident. But the five-inch scar which runs across the right side of his head is a stark reminder. He had been riding pillion on October 17 last year when the Suzuki crashed into a car near St Paul's Cathedral. As he hurtled over the handlebars, he inadvertently dragged off the helmet of the bike's driver - his manager and close friend Mark. And as he lay bleeding, Marc also pulled off his own helmet - extremely dangerous after suffering a serious head injury.

"Yes, I was lucky not to haemorrhage. The paramedics arrived then and sedated me. They saved my life because I had a huge blood clot and my head was the size of a football. They did emergency surgery and then it happened again so they had to operate again."

Marc's gaunt face pales as he tells what happened in the aftermath, when his mother was urged to travel down from Southport, near Liverpool, as it was feared her son may not survive the night. "They had to drive for six hours, not knowing what they were going to find." Marc was in such a terrible condition that they even hid mirrors from him. "Apparently, I didn't look very pleasant at all. My eye was almost hanging down my face and I was black with bruising. I had plugs sticking out of my head, I was having transfusions, I was on an oxygen machine and they had a bolt to monitor the pressure on my brain."

His family were also warned that the star might be severely brain damaged. "The doctors warned them to be prepared but, although I have the stammer and the anxiety, it's a natural thing I've got to overcome - it's not down to brain damage.

"I've gone very grey since the accident and I'd maybe like to use a little hair colour but I want to let the scars heal. I also want to show that I'm not afraid or embarrassed - they're just my war wounds," he laughs. He keeps giggling as he explains that he has no dignity left now, after so many friends have had to help him to the bathroom.

In all, Marc spent three weeks in the Royal Free before moving to the private London Clinic for a fortnight. Of the bike's driver Mark, the singer will only say: "He's had some terrible injuries and is dealing with it in his own way."

Before the accident, the star had been enjoying a revival. He received rave reviews for gigs at London's Almeida Theatre in July, which have been immortalised in his Sin Songs, Torch And Romance DVD, released on January 31. His body may now be a patchwork of scars and his shoulder may never work properly again but Marc says: "I look at it as if I've been given another chance. There was a young guy in hospital with me with a head injury who, sadly, didn't make it.

"Yes, I know my life is a bit different now and it's never going to be totally like it was but it'll be as near-as-dammit." Marc has also battled not to become a recluse, although the accident left him "terrified of going out" and he admits he'll need counselling to help him heal psychologically. At one stage during his hospitalisation, he faced the prospect of a tracheotomy - which could have ended his singing career - but he reports that his voice is fine. In fact, he hopes to be back on stage by the summer after an operation on his shoulder next month and wants to reschedule concerts with his Soft Cell co-star Dave Ball, which were due to take place before Christmas.

His ordeal has made him more philosophical about life. "Some people make their beds, go out for a lovely day and never come home," he says. "I came back after five weeks. "It makes you aware of how fragile you are, of your own mortality and that things can happen just like that - and so randomly. Life is an adventure. It's not about being successful. Success for me is going from one failure to the next without diminished enthusiasm. It's about having an interesting life and great friends. I don't have huge ambitions. I just want to have a good life and a chance to live it."

Then he leans forward, his childish face alight as he repeats euphorically: "I am so lucky. I'm alive, I'm alive."

Marc Almond has not been paid for this interview. A donation has been made on his behalf to London's Air Ambulance, the Helicopter Emergency Medical Service, based at the Royal London Hospital.

(c) Daily Mirror

I have also made a donation. You can too.

Cleanliness is next to godliness...
My mum said get a toilet duck. That's just cruel.

Talking Search Engine...
Feeling lazy? Fancy a talking browser? Why, look no further than Speegle.

1994: The Worst Year Of My Life...
As 2004 has just drawn to a close it has given me a chance to reflect. Reflect upon some of the good stuff and some of the bad stuff in the previous twelve months. But as I did I couldn't help but recall doing the same thing ten years ago.

Ten years ago was the worse year of my life. It was a year when nothing seemed to go right. Terrible things befell both me and many people near and dear to me. It was a year I now look back on with some much sadness and more than a little amazement.

The year started with an inexplicable bout of depression that just wouldn't shift. For nearly three weeks I was miserable as hell. A black cloud had descended and would not lift. Even now I don't know why but something must have triggered it - a hopelessness and feeling of emptiness. At the time I saw no way out. But as inexplicably as it came - it went. The sun rose one day and so did my mood.

Coinciding with this funk of '94 I was told I was to be made redundant. I was left for over twelve months not knowing whether I'd be offered 'alternative employment', signing on the dole or padding out the dreaded CV and hawking my bones round the recruitment agencies. It was a scary time not knowing.

In February 1994 I was mugged outside my own front door. They didn't take much - but left me with little self-confidence. I was petrified of leaving home after that, and didn't do so for ten days.

Many people close to me died in 1994. My granny died. Three very close friends died of AIDS related illnesses. A childhood friend died in a tragic motorcycle accident. My best friend from school died after a bizarre accident of falling out of a tree.

I had a few run-ins with the law too. I was stopped by the police in the spring and failed a breathaliser test. They didn't prosecute. However I was taken to court by the police for not producing insurance documents within seven days (the Christmas post meant the duplicate only arrived on the eighth day). The case was later dismissed but not after a further court appearance three months later.

While I was on holiday in the summer of 1994 my car was stolen from outside my flat by joy riders and written off leaving one of the four passengers dead and another in a persistent vegetative state. I was later sued by her family who claimed the car didn't have working seat-belts - the case didn't succeed as the belts had only recently been checked and were working fine. As you might appreciate I was not particularly sympathetic to this court action. But it represented all that was bad for me in 1994. An inexplicable series of unfortunate events.

Sure many other things went right but on the whole it's a ten year anniversary I don't care to celebrate.

Not Apu. Everyone goes for Apu...
See if the computer can guess what TV or film character you're pretending to be. It works quite well but we foxed it with Mrs Potatohead.

Brain Teasers : The Answers...
1. The answer depends on changing your point of view - try looking at the screen upside down then circle a 9 and three 1s.

2. It's always the last place because, once you've found it, you stop looking.

Brain Teasers...
1. Can you circle exactly four of these numbers such that the total is twelve?

1 6 1
6 1 6
1 6 1
6 1 6


2. When you are looking for something, you always seem to find it in the last place you though of looking. There is a proven explanation of this. What is it?

BRITS 2005...
So the BRITS nominees have been announced. No real surprises. Though it's nice to see Scissor Sisters up for three awards and The Killers up for two.

The Best British Song of the last 25 years has now been whittled down. The five short listed songs are:
We Are The Champions - Queen
Wuthering Heights - Kate Bush
Love Will Tear Us Apart - Joy Division
Angels - Robbie Williams
Leave Right Now - Will Young

2 Dudes...
"You're gay"
"No, you are"
"I think you'll find you are gay"
"You're gay"
"I'm sorry, did you say you're gay?"
"No, you are"

Mr and Mrs Wheatley's rather fabulous 2 Dudes is not be be missed.

And taking it to the next level 2 Dudes 2 takes it to the next level.

Very funny.

Celebrity Big Brother 3...
The 'celebrities' went into the Big Brother house last night for the start of their two week 'ordeal' at the hand of 'Evil' Big Brother (ok, enough with the quotation marks already - assume irony implied). No real surprises in the group. Just top notch class all the way.

The opening odds are:
Bez (from The Happy Mondays)) 2-1
Jeremy Edwards (from Holby City) 4-1
Kenzie (from Blazin' Squad) 5-1
Caprice (from her own little Barbie world) 7-1
Lisa I'Anson (ex-Radio 1) 7-1
John McCririck (from Channel Four racing) 8-1
Brigitte Nielsen (from Arnie and then Sylvester Stallone) 12-1
Germaine Greer (from the 60s) 16-1

OK. Let's be honest. What a bunch of attention seeking, D-list, wannabe, talentless, losers they all are!

Needless to say I'll be gripped.

BRITS 25...
The 25th BRIT Awards is coming soon and as part of it there'll be a special award - The Best British Song of the last 25 years. Sponsored by BBC Radio 2 you will be able to vote online, by text or by phone.

The 25 nominated songs are below. Which is your favourite?

Heroes - David Bowie
We Are The Champions - Queen
Wuthering Heights - Kate Bush
Night Fever - Bee Gees
London Calling - Clash
Love Will Tear Us Apart - Joy Division
That's Entertainment - The Jam
I Don't Want To Talk About It - Rod Stewart
Look of Love - ABC
Golden Brown - The Stranglers
True - Spandau Ballet
Careless Whisper - George Michael
Holding Back The Years - Simply Red
Sledgehammer - Peter Gabriel
Sacrifice - Elton John
Unfinished Sympathy - Massive Attack
Why - Annie Lennox
Fields of Gold - Sting
Kiss From A Rose - Seal
Wonderwall - Oasis
Angels - Robbie Williams
Yellow - Coldplay
Babylon - David Gray
Leave Right Now - Will Young
Dry Your Eyes - The Streets

Nintendo DS...
Look what Father Christmas got me... a Nintendo DS. Yippie!

Banned Aid...
Now Band Aid has been knocked off the number one stop in the UK charts it is perhaps not the best time to expose you to this... but... have a look anyway at Banned Aid (need speakers, not very work friendly).

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Singles Out This Week...
Atomic Kitten - 'Cradle'
Blue Ft. Lil Kim - 'Get Down On It'
Elvis Presley - 'All Shook Up'/'Jailhouse Rock'
Erasure - 'Breathe'
Interpol - 'Evil'
Iron Maiden - 'The Number Of The Beast'
Kasabian - 'Cutt Off'
Manic Street Preachers - 'Empty Souls'
Scissor Sisters - 'Filthy/Gorgeous'
Urban Cookie Collective - 'The Key, The Secret 2005'

I mention this in passing as you may want to pick up both Erasure and Scissor Sisters this week.

Happy 2005...
Wishing everyone a very fantastic New Year and all the health and happiness in the world for 2005.