Quote Of The Day

"Victory goes to the player who makes the next-to-last mistake - Chessmaster Savielly Grigorievitch Tartakower (1887-1956)"

Tuesday, January 04, 2005

Popbitch...
I'm a big fan of Popbitch. If you've not seen their all-the-gossip-that's-unfit-to-print site or newsletter then below is a tasteless taster.

WARNING: LEWD AND TASTELESS HUMOUR BELOW

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POPBITCH _ _ _
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|_| |_| 22.12.04 ISSUE 239
Free every week: to subscribe/unsubscribe go to http://www.popbitch.com

Popbitch delivered to you thanks to Pure http://www.pure360.com

* Special issue: What we liked in 2004
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>> MERRY CHRISTMAS <<
May all your otters be white

It's been another fun year for us so we've put
together a special festive edition of some of
our favourite stories and a selection of the
muckiest jokes that you sent us during 2004.

Popbitch is five years old next month, and we
will no doubt be celebrating with a butterdog or
two. Stay with us for the next five years, we'll
be back on 12th January 2005. Probably.

Happy New Year!


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Q: What's blue and fucks kids?
A: Me in my lucky blue suit.
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>> LOSERS OF THE YEAR
The virgin-hungry suicide bombers

Islamic suicide bombers wrap their penises
in white cotton before going on their missions.
Apparently, they believe that this will
protect their fundamentalist genitals from
the blast, and preserve them, clean and
intact, ready for the 70 virgins in heaven
that they are promised by their handlers.

Sadly, the bit in the Koran about the virgins
seems to be a mistranslation: it actually
states that Allah will reward martyrs with
a type of mildly-alcoholic drink.

But it's not all bad for the suicide bombers:
this year we discovered that many Islamic
suicide bombers are given Ecstasy before
blowing themselves up.


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Q: What do you get when cross a paedo and a pirate?
A: Arrrrrrr Kelly.
-----------------------------------------------------


>> UNHEALTHY HABIT OF THE YEAR <<
Lo-carbing your kidneys to death

Cedars Sinai hospital in Los Angeles is seeing
a huge increase in the numbers of people turning
up with reports of "back pain". The first thing
they check for is kidney problems, caused by
Atkins-style low carb diets.


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Q: Did you hear that David Beckham's voice will be
used for the announcements at the new Wembley?
A: Apparently he comes over the P.A. very well...
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>> SHAGGER OF THE YEAR <<
Ronaldo achieves octa-fuck

Gentleman footballer Ronaldo celebrated his
birthday party in Madrid by enjoying public
doggy-style sex with eight women, who were
lined up facing the wall, and not allowed
to look around at his face while he was
humping them.


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Q: What's black and sits at the top of the stairs?
A: Stephen Hawking in a house fire.
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>> BIG QUESTION OF THE YEAR <<
What people were asking this year

Which top British singer was once seen
getting a blow-job from his mum? She
said it was to try to stop him turning gay.


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Q: What's the difference between Paula
Radcliffe and Hitler?
A: At least Hitler tried to finish a race.
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>> DRINK OF THE YEAR <<
From Japan: the legendary Arse Shandy

Anon writes:
"I went to a gay club in Tokyo where the waiter
had a young male assistant who would stand on
his hands while the punter's drink of choice
was mixed in his arse. The customer was then
handed a straw..."

Honourable mention:
The Bucks Fizz that Victoria Beckham ordered in
Sketch, made with 1975 Krug, worth $1600 a bottle.


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Q: What's pink and smells of Holly?
A: Ian Huntley's knob.
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>> CAREER OF THE YEAR <<
Introducing... the Sex Witness

Following the Kobe Bryant case, male
celebrities (especially rappers) are
adding a Sex Witness to their entourage.
The witness watches them shag groupies,
to verify that sexual acts are performed
without coercion.
(FYI: Mike Tyson pioneered this trend)


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In a bid for good publicity, Michael Jackson's legal
team announced that when the singer dies he's agreed
to be melted down by undertakers to make plastic toys.
So, kids can play with him for a change...
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>> PROVERB OF THE YEAR <<
The mantra of the Brazilian bummers

From Brazil: "boozed arses have no owners".
One Brazilian man has been challenging this
idea in court. Luziano Costa tried to sue Jose
Roberto de Oliveira for fucking him in the
arse during an orgy. The court ruled there was
no crime because Luziano voluntarily joined
the orgy.

Honourable mention:
"Women for procreation, Goats for necessity, Young
boys for fun and a melon for ecstacy."


-----------------------------------------------------
Victoria Beckham claims she had an affair with Jacko
to get back at her husband. But Jacko's lawyers
denied it, saying Mr Jackson could not have been
with Posh as he was in Brooklyn at the time.
-----------------------------------------------------


>> SURGICAL PROCEDURE OF THE YEAR <<
Testicular rejuvenation: it's the bollocks

The in-demand plastic surgery for rich,
ageing Hollywood men is the testicle lift.
Happy owners of a pert new scrotum include
Robert Redford.

Honourable mention:
Juvaderm, the miracle substance behind
Kylie's cheekbones.


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Yasser Arafat is being flown back to Palestine wearing
a Newcastle shirt, Spurs shorts & Rangers socks.
He wanted to be buried in the Gazza Strip.
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>> ESCAPE OF THE YEAR <<
Bucky and Pancho's Great Adventure

Vanilla Ice owns a wallaroo (a kangaroo -
wallaby cross) called Bucky and a goat called
Pancho. This year, Bucky and Pancho ran away
from Ice's Florida home and caused havoc. Bucky
scratched a woman who tried to feed them, and
kicked in her car. The pair spent several days
roaming the streets before being captured.
"Bucky has very long nails", said Ice.

Honourable mention:
The kangaroo and the snake who escaped from
the zoo in Palestine.


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Q: What's the difference between Simply Red and a cow?
A: The cow's got the horns at the front...
and the arsehole at the back.
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>> RUMOUR OF THE YEAR <<
Is Yasser the new Freddie?

Yasser Arafat's mysterious illness and death
started some particularly lurid rumours. The one
with most currency was that he suffered the
same quick illness and sudden coma/brain-death
that claimed Rock Hudson and Liberace.


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Q: What’s Pink, Twelve inches Long, stiff, and
makes women Cry?
A: Cot Death.
-----------------------------------------------------


>> RECIPE OF THE YEAR <<
The Donatella Versace Side-Salad

Guests at Donatella Versace's dinner parties
have marvelled at the special dish she
always chooses. Here's the recipe.

1. Ingredients: 3 grammes of cocaine,
1 salad plate
2. Rack out lines the size of cigarettes
on the plate.
3. While the other dinner guests eat dinner,
snort lines.
4. Do not offer round.
5. Go to rehab.


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Toast like a Russian. With your first shot, toast the
host. With your second, the noble ancestors. With
the third, the children. With the fourth, the women.
Any toast thereafter is reserved for one-word aspects
of life like "honour", "pride", "gak" and "butterdog".
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>> Things to make you go hmmn <<
Ten things to stop you getting bored

1. Look at President Bush's knob:
http://www.popbitch.com/georgebush.jpg

2. Watch Brigitte Neilsen go nude and
fall in love with Flavor Flav on The
Surreal Life, on VH1, starting 27th December:
http://www.vh1.co.uk/surreallife/game

3. Update your drug knowledge with Soulwax's
video for new single E Talking:
http://www.7digital.com/downloads/soulwax/

4. Go and see the Krankies in panto -
Jack and the Beanstalk, Glasgow:
http://www.paviliontheatre.co.uk

5. Sharon and Ozzy shop here - get new
stuff for your mobile:
http://www.kissmekwik.co.uk/mobile/

6. Go to St John's Restaurant in London
and eat a squirrel:
http://www.stjohnrestaurant.co.uk/

7. Get a Vibi, which turns your Nokia phone
into a vibrator or just browse the latest
sex toys and DVDs:
http://www.blissbox.com/default.asp?AffiliateID=Black061

8. Send drugs to your friends:
http://www.virtualcrack.com

9. If you get twatted and injure your loved ones,
learn how to repair them:
http://www.healthy.net/scr/article.asp?id=1780

10. Laugh at some stupid people:
http://community-2.webtv.net/@HH!3B!01!109A6273ED6D/Babajani1/MurphysLaw/


>> End Bit <<
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Thanks this week to:

* www.tlctugger.com - for the circumcision sex aid
* dollymixture for the presents
* Steve O for the new dvd, released 27 December
* www.selfloversworld.com for the hand "cream"
* www.teemarto.com for the champagne
* Peekaboo for the pole dancing pole
* Ben Byram-Whigfield for his book, In Search Of Failure
* www.justhom.co.uk for the free pants
* Napster for the champagne
* Credo Group for everything

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Christmas Old Jokes Home:
Two snowmen are chatting...
First Snowman: "Can you smell carrots?"

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