overyourhead

Betrayal...
I had to take Oliver to the vet again last night. His backlegs are getting much worse though he still doesn't seem to be in any distress. Just a bit frustrated that his legs aren't doing what they should. The vet suggested taking an X-ray to see if it could help with the diagnosis so I starved him overnight and took him back again this morning. He's due to be given his general at about 10am and then the vet will call me about 10:30am if she finds anything that could be treated straight away i.e. something mechanical she can operate to fix. If it's something more serious such as a tumour the vet will call me and ask whether I want him to be put to sleep. The final option is give him palliative care. Put him on steroids to try and beef him up a bit and improve his quality of life.

How I'm feeling about it is some else again. I can't tell you how much this is upsetting me. I can't think of anything else. I'm not doing any work. I've had arguments with people at work, on the tube and at home (sorry Mark). Some friendships are deteriorating (sorry David). I've been having long conversations with people at work, my parents and Mark. I cried myself to sleep last night. I woke up at 5am this morning and lay in bed with a knot in my stomach. I thought it might be stress. It's true what they say about stress comes from things you can't control. But I do have some control over this. So it's not stress I'm feeling. I could control this. I could tell the vet to put Oliver to sleep. I think what I'm feeling is sad. Sad that my beloved cat is probably soon going to die. Ever since I first got him as a kitten, Oliver and I have been devoted to each other. He follows me around the flat. Sits on me at every opportunity. Puts his paws around me when I sleep and trusts me with his life. Ironic then that I feel as I am soon to betray that trust. Just writing this bringing me to tears again so I shall stop.